Ouch. I think we've both hurt each other :(

[lazyblue]

So for those of you who don't know my story: Me and my ex got together at the age of 18 and were together for 6 years. Everything was perfect but then out of the blue he suddenly left saying that he thinks he doesn't love me like he used to. That was just over a month ago.

A few days after we broke up i sent him an email, nothing nasty, just saying that i am sorry things didn't work out and that i hope he changes his mind because i really believe we could work things out. He didn't reply up until the other day. He apologised for taking so long to respond but wasn't ready to talk to me before. Anyway, amongst other things he mentioned that he is now seeing someone. He said sorry and that he didnt plan it to happen, it just came out of no where.

At this point i think i should mention something...i have started seeing someone too. Hes an old school friend who i have always liked, but we have only recently got back in contact after about 8 years of not talking (we just simply lost contact when we went ot different colleges). It seems like my ex, the relationship just came out of no where and was not planned.

I was really, really surprised that my ex told me he is seeing someone, and so is everyone else. I thought maybe part of the reason he left was because he wanted to be free and single for a while before settling down so i am surprised he wanted to be tied down again so soon (he didn't give this as a reason for leaving, but i thought maybe it contributed to him going). I guess i am also surprised because he is a bit of a gamer and used to say he didn't think he was that great at being in a relationship as he likes to spend a lot of time on his own, so i thought he would grabbing the opportunity to stay up until 5am playing his games with both hands.

I haven't cried over this news, which is a good thing, but i do feel a bit like ive been punched in the stomach. I cant tell you how shocked i am. I know i have no right to feel upset or anything because i am seeing someone as well...but i am really, really hurt. I guess no one likes to feel replaced so soon. I responded to his email that day (he was asking about our shared stuff which is all at my dads house). He hasn't responded (as he is a gamer he is always at his computer and emails go straight to his phone as well). Theres a chance he just hasn't had time to respond because he is busy or something but i think he is probably really hurt and shocked that i am in a relationship too. He said his reason for telling me about her is that he thought it would help just in case i am still holding out hope that he would come back. The more i think about it, the more unnecessary i think it was for me to tell me about her. He could have just asked how i was doing and then told me if it appeared that i wasn't moving on. He also said that if we become friends in the future (he wants to wait at least 6 months though) then i would find out anyway- but who is to say that they will be together in 6 months. Even if they were i wouldn't need to know how soon they got together.

So yeah, i sent a friendly email back and i said that it was ok because i was seeing someone too. But he hasn't replied. I want to be friends in the future with him (i know we will never be best friends but i would like to keep in contact even if its just via email) so i really don't want to hurt him, but i think maybe i have. It appears that we have both hurt and upset each other and i am willing to bet that he is just as surprised that i am seeing someone as i am- from the way he worded his email it seems like he was still expecting me to be sitting around crying for him. What shall i do now, shall i just leave it up to him to decide whether he wants to get back in contact?

Does the pain of knowing your ex is with someone else ever go way?

[donaldinlove]

First of all, I would like to consolate you about this break-up since you guys have been together for a really long time, 6 years is really a lot. I don't wanna say I am sorry cause me or someone else being sorry doesn't help you at all right now, so I will get to the point and try to give you my point of view in this and some advice.

1) Usually, when a relationship runs over some months ( let alone years ) things start to become random between the couple. You have pretty much talked lots of things with each other, have gotten to know each other's secrets and families maybe, so things start getting static, boring. This, in my opinion is one of the possible and most probable reasons he decided to break up.

2) The fact that he has already started seeing another girl, can mean to things. He is either feeling "free finally" and wants to try out something new with someone new, or he is totally mixed up and hopeless ( he doesn't seem so ) and wants to have someone there just to not feel alone.

3) It is normal to feel shocked after you spent 6 years in a relationship with someone and then it suddenly comes to an end. Feeling bad and being sad for some weeks after the break-up is normal.

My advice would be this:

He was your boyfriend for 6 years and it is impossible as you say for him to be a good friend of yours now, but he can definitely be a via email friend. About the "should I leave it to him to decide if we keep in touch or should I tell him" part, I think it depends on the way you feel. If you really wanna talk to him and feel the need, you ask him or he feels it, then it is vice-versa. The pain goes away much faster than you think, especially if you start seeing someone else and try not to stay and home a lot. Staying at home, sitting around and doing nothing is the worst thing you can do in these situations cause since you don't have what to do, you start thinking about him. Being with friends may not be a sure thing to take ur pain away, but it will for sure keep your mind busy with other things and your heart quiet. I advise you anyways, if you want the pain to go away, as hard as it may seem, start cuting contacts with him slowly, not directly. Talking to him as less as possible with help heal ur heart and mind.

Cheers and I hope you get better as soon as possible

[lazyblue]

Many thanks for your reply.

Its interesting what you said about things getting static/boring rather than jumping on the "he cheated" bandwagon because i don't think for a second he cheated on me- i think you are exactly right. That makes things worse in a way because i think its something which we could have fixed quite easily. I wont bore you with the whole story but neither of us are working at the moment which meant we couldn't afford to do things. We used to live together but had to live apart when he got made redundant. He is just about to start a new, very well paid job, in the city i am living in (about a 40 min drive from where he was living) and my health is at a point where i think i can work a bit. So both of us will be having some money coming in soon and we will both be living near each other again in a big city where there is loads to do and we will probably have more to talk about once we are both working etc. So yeah, i think things did become boring due to circumstances beyond our control, be he didn't stick around to see how things would turn out just as everything was looking more positive for us.

I dont really know what he is thinking/feeling as this is the first bit of contact we have had since we broke up. He said that he took the break up very, very hard (more so than me it seems). A part of me thinks maybe he is still a bit messed up so i having a rebound relationship, but a bigger part of me thinks that that isn't fair because i am doing ok and i dont think the person i am seeing is just a rebound. You're right, he probably is feeling finally free. If i am honest, i am gutted if thats what he is thinking. I like to think that i completed him as a person, not held him back. I want him to be sad that we are over- not happy.

I have been trying to keep myself busy as you said but have had a few days on my own with no one to talk to as everyone seems to be off on their holidays, so maybe this is affecting me a bit more than normal as i dont have any distractions.

As we have both seemingly moved on so quickly ( i haven't completely moved on but i am at a point where i think i wouldn't take him back) i think maybe we didn't have this deep love for each other that we both thought we did. Dont get me wrong, i was definitely in love with him, but he is my first serious relationship and i am his, so maybe we were both too young and inexperienced to know what love is. Maybe we thought what we has was love because that is all we have ever known. I mean, how else can we both moving on and seeing other people already other wise? Its only been a month and 10 days. I sort of feel like i have lost my best friend rather than the love of my life. I guess only time will tell on this one.

[donaldinlove]

The pleasure is mine, please.

Usually, as I wrote in my first answer, in a long relationship, things get boring. If there is love, real love between the couple, they manage to get over this boredom and fight it by trying to find new ways, spend quality time together, do something crazy maybe just to find out something more about the partners character, etc. When love is not strong, then this is the phase that kills the relationship. You ask why didn't he wait and sit around and look how things would develop, but as soon as this feeling starts taking place into him ( this "I wanna try something new with someone new" feeling ) he constantly doubts himself and thinks about acting, rather than wait and see.

I have no doubt the break-up was hard for both of you. I personally think he is a bit of both and it's normal.

I have been going through the same situation with my girlfriend as she left me yesterday, and although the reason is different, I am going through the same path as you. I am unfortunately having nothing interesting to do or a distraction, and it hurts, I know how you feel

Most of the time love starts "stinking" from one side, either from the head of from the feet. One of the partners will feel insecurities at a chosen point of the relationship and this is mainly where the break-up is created.