Help with an ex Girlfriend

[sandm]

So basically I had been seeing a girl for about 6-7 months, as per usual it started of being as special as I can remember the relationship to be. We then hit a bit of hurdle when after about 2-3 months I kept dodging meetin g her parents etc. In which she confronted me about and I told her I wasn’t ready for that yet. We then continued on seeing each other and we both kind of dodged that aspect and I found myself not making her my number 1 priority as I should have instead choosing to see other mates ahead of her. I was rather confused on wether I wanted to fully commit so I let it keep going in this matter. We then had another talk in which she ended with me due to many things. The fact she didn’t feel that I was making her feel special, etc. For the last 2-3 months we had no sexual relations as I thought at the time it wasn’t right to have sex with someone if you weren’t fully committed. These were her main reasons for ending it with me. However she was clear that we could still be friends. She had uni exams so let her get through them before I continued to pursue her by begging and pleading for another chance via texts, facebook etc her response was that she wanted all these things from the start and it was too late. Safe to say this didn’t work and resulted in me confronting her in person telling her basically the same things. She then told me the relationship was over for her 2 months ago and she had no feelings for me anymore and if we were to start seeing each other it wouldn’t work because of this? On that night however she told me without me even asking that in her words “she had not moved on with anyone else”. I asked her as well if I were to move on with someone else how she would feel. Her answer was then “ honestly I’m not sure”. She also said that she was a different person from when we first met. Bare in mind I know she was madly keen on me and had cried over me, (told me so when it first ended) and I could tell bu her body language etc. I sent her a drunk text a couple of weeks backs basically just asking to be friends at least. She replied saying that she appreciated what I was trying to say but begging her to be friends with didn’t make her want to be friends with her and that I should let her decide to contact me and that she didn’t want a repeat of last time. I haven’t contacted her since. I just need opinions on wether I can actually get her back or friends is the best thing I can hope for? I am going to respect her wishes and wait for her to contact me., her birthday is next month. Is it ok to text her wishing a happy birthday? What are my next steps after that?

To me it seems like she is trying to repress her feelings because I didn’t reciprocate initially and shes wary of being hurt again. I’m thinking of the no-contact method and then just gradually build up up to being able to catch up over a coffee , etc then just show her who I was at the start of the relationship. I think if I can remind her of that she may open up to me.

[MaidenMinx]

Why do people do this to themselves?

It's over. Move on.

[Mathias]

To me it seems like she is trying to repress her feelings because I didn’t reciprocate initially and shes wary of being hurt again.

To me, it seems like she's trying to move on while you're living in the past.

[devonbrown]

You didn't care enough about her or the relationship and basically acted a fool until she ended it. Now you are upset that she doesn't want to get back with someone who did that to her?

And then you are being very clingy and drama-filled with your begging and pleading. No one likes that. People like strength and confidence.

It is over. Move forward and find other possible romantic interests. This ship has sailed.

IF you insist on saying happy birthday to her, just send her a Happy Birthday message on fb or something. And let it just say happy birthday. Nothing else. And don't expect a response either. She's over it.

[tremolo]

Dude... what is it with douchebags who kills relationships and then send happy birthday messages? I've been through that enough times to tell you it's NOT a good idea. Don't do it.

[sandm]

I know i messed up, it was my first real relationship.

I think if i give her the time shes asked for to better myself and then just take things very slow. she might delevelope feelings for me.

Is there anything wrong with this?

[sandm]

I also should add this was my first ever sexual relationship and i was scared that i was in a greater situation that what i had ever had to deal with. I know these are just excuses but i had no experience in this siuation.

[pisces25]

she might delevelope feelings for me.

She might but no guarantees. Just work on bettering yourself like you say and don't even worry about anyone else at this point. You need to better you for you anyway. Then you will be ready for a serious relationship and not act like an idiot when it comes along.

[sandm]

she might delevelope feelings for me.

She might but no guarantees. Just work on bettering yourself like you say and don't even worry about anyone else at this point. You need to better you for you anyway. Then you will be ready for a serious relationship and not act like an idiot when it comes along.

I agree there are never guarentees, i can now see my recent behaviour of begging, etc was just inappropriate.

If i put myself in her shoes its probably the last thing i'd want someone to do..

Like i said i'm going to give her space, i will send her a birthday msg but wont be asking any question or expecting a reply. Just something short so she knows i still care about her and if she wants to contact me she will. Absolutely under no circumstances will i apply any pressure or suggest we "catch up" or any of that crap.

She has to be a willing party in this, i cant try and fix this on my own.

[pisces25]

Indeed. And don't worry you aren't the first to screw something up. It's our way of learning what not to do next time. We have numerous relationships throughout our life and each and every one will impact you differently.

[sandm]

Another quick question, if by 4-6 months down the track she hasn't contacted me.

Is it ok to do so?

[pisces25]

You probably won't want to. Besides there are way too many variables. What if she is with someone else by then? What if you are? What if she is abducted by aliens?etc..

[devonbrown]

Another quick question, if by 4-6 months down the track she hasn't contacted me.

Is it ok to do so?

I am not saying it isn't "ok" to do so, but if you are still obsessing over this 4-6 months from now, you need to really start looking into if your attempts to better yourself have actually worked.

Live for yourself. Not for her. Not for anyone else.

Take this as a learning experience and move forward. This is in the past now. The only thing the past can do positively for us is to act as material we can learn from. We can't relive it. You will take your experiences from this situation to make your next situation even better.

I understand she was your first and for that she will always remain a pleasant memory for you. But that is all she is now - a memory.

Remember, all relationships end until the one that doesn't. Just keep moving forward in your life. It is the only road that matters.

[MarkAPS]

I wouldn't contact her for awhile. You want her to make a change, but have you changed at all since you guys split?