Is her career more important than my happiness?

[lorne guyland]

Hi,

I've got a problem that has been mounting for quite a long time, brace yourself: Three years mid-2008, I moved with my girlfriend (we'd been dating 3 years at that point) to the UK so she could pursue her postgraduate degree. I left a permanent job in my field to do so. At the time I had wanted to do something else professionally but she said she wasn't into trying a long-distance relationship, so I followed her there because I wanted to make the relationship work and didn't want to lose her. We lived in the UK for 14 months--I worked, she studied.

When she finished her degree, we returned to the states--in late 2009. We both started looking for jobs and she found one first, in NYC, so we moved so she could take it. Although I also have a Masters degree (international relations) and (at that point) had more work experience than her, it turned out to be very difficult for me to find a job in my field, because the recession was in full swing. I was in NY for four months before I could find a job, and that was a temp job--not in my field. That turned into a permanent job, which I've now had for almost one year. I have continued to look for a job in my field but with no luck. To give you context: I have applied for about 150 jobs since being here, drafting a new cover letter for each one, and have had only ONE interview (outside of the temp job). On the other hand, she had little trouble finding her job, which has turned out to be her dream job, giving her amazing experience in her field and paving the path for her next step: a PhD.

My real goal in obtaining my degree was to get a job in international relations that would allow me to travel internationally often, and hopefully allow me to live abroad for a while (in a developing country). I get immense fulfillment from experiencing other cultures and have longed to live in a non-English speaking country--it would give me international work experience (in a developing country) and allow me to learn another language, which are both needed to get the jobs I have been applying for--unfortunately, I currently have neither, which explains my absolute failure to get one of those jobs.

I have gotten to the point now that I am jaded with the whole thing and have been thinking very seriously about teaching English somewhere in Asia (China, Vietnam, etc.). There is ample opportunity for me to do this. This would allow me to have that experience living in a developing country (which I desperately want and know will help me grow as a person), and allow me to learn another language. My rationale is that this would allow me to either return after a few years and get those jobs I have been rejected from, or allow me to continue a career as a school teacher in the US, which also appeals to me!

She has told me that she doesn't respect my desire to teach English--she needs "to be able to respect what I do professionally" and doesn't respect this. She sees it as something people do when they are young and don't want to work--not something you do after you have been working for a while. Yet I see it as potentially opening lots of doors for me, especially since I have a Masters in international relations and various work experience. She says people don't respect it--I could care less what people would think, and am confident that it would fulfill me.

My girlfriend's next step will be to pursue a PhD next fall (one year from now), but she doesn't know where that will be yet and won't until spring of next year when acceptance letters are sent out. My options, if I don't go teach English, would be to either 1) follow her again as she moves to the next step in her career, while I keep mine on hold; or 2) to continue trying to get that job that I want so bad but clearly cannot get with my current experience. She has no desire to work with me so that I can pursue my career goals, if it has anything to do with me moving abroad to teach English.

I understand how difficult it would be for us to work through me going to do that. Plus, I am 31, she is 28 and she constantly talks about us having kids and settling down. I try to explain that I have this desire (to live abroad) that is unfulfilled and it is hard for me to settle down when I am unfulfilled professionally and do not have a job I enjoy. Meanwhile, she has everything she wants professionally, so it is easier for her to imagine settling down--it would be the logical next step for her and I see that. I am afraid if I do settle now, I will always regret not going abroad when I had the chance.

Every part of me tells me to go for it, but I know it would probably mean losing her, and we've been together for nearly 6 years now, so that's a heavy loss to imagine. I feel trapped and not in control of my life. She questions my commitment to her, but I remind her that i have followed her while she has pursued her career (twice: UK and NYC), meanwhile putting my career on hold, so how could she question my commitment? I understand how important getting her PhD is to her and wouldn't ask her to put her life on hold to follow me while I teach (even though I do believe it would be the adventure of a lifetime, and one that we would always remember!!!).

What in the %#@$# should I do?!?!?!?!?!?!

[I know it's a long post--thanks for reading and for your advice!!!]

[HeartIsAching]

You're both very selfish, and clearly moving in different directions. It's probably best if you split. Then you can go teach English abroad, and she can take her shallow, narrow-minded judgmental ass to wherever she want for her doctorate.

[Vanity]

You should never have to give up your dreams/ambitions for the sake of a bf/gf. She should you respect your choice. I agree with HeartIsAching, breaking up would probably be in your best interest.

[IndiReloaded]

she needs "to be able to respect what I do professionally"

Wow, lol. She sounds full of herself. I'd break up w/her just for this^ comment. I mean, can you imagine if you were a gal posting here about a guy saying this??

She is right about the teaching english thing, it is kind of what young ppl used to do when they didn't know what they wanted to do w/life. Plus, I know ppl who have taught abroad--its not like it used to be. But, if you can't find a job (and it is hard these days) then why not?

You two are on different paths. I don't think there is anything wrong w/her focussing on her career, btw, just being a bitch about how she interacts w/you. My advice would be to cast your net wider on the job thing, tho. Apply to places outside of the US (try Canada) and don't worry about whether she comes with you or not.

[sadie_genie]

Apply to Korea, they are very open to hiring foreign teachers right now. You have to do whatever gives you self-fulfilment and you are not going to fulfil that by following her around like a puppy. It is okay to think for yourself because people are naturally selfish to the core. We are all really alone in that aspect. Even when you followed her around before, it was for the selfish interest of not losing the relationship, right? Now, you can't have both; you have to either choose your career or the relationship. It is tough losing a 6 year relationship and it would take some getting used to in the single life but you will survive. If you do choose to go for the career path, I wish you the best of luck and life changing experience in a foreign country. I have friends who are teaching abroad as well and they seem to be having a lot of fun.

[pisces25]

I can relate to your post as your ambitions seem scarily similar to mine !!

I am very aware at this point that if I fall into a relationship that could be jeopordised. So I do hope if/when I next meet someone they will be on a similar wavelength regarding the travel/work thing. My ex was very much ready to settle down and stay in the same place for the next 20 years raising kids but I knew that wasn't where I was at in life and whilst that wasn't the sole reason we broke up it played a small part.

Your resentment over the situation will probably continue to grow so you can either stick it out with what you are doing and try to contain this or end the relationship and pursue your own goals. Make sure you are making your decisions for YOU though and not her coz at the end of the day it is your journey and you could regret not following your own path.

[bluesummer]

She sounds like she expects you just to fit into the role she expects of you in HER life plan. What about you? It sounds like you've given up a lot for her already, don't put the nail in the coffin by 'settling down'. You'll hate yourself for the rest of your life for not pursuing YOUR dreams. Go and and do what you want to do, you don't get another shot. If she doesn't want to join you on the ride, consider her excess baggage to be dropped.

[vashti]

I suppose I am the only one who would be unimpressed by a grown man dropping a regular job in this economy to go teach English to foreigners.

Sure, you should do what you want - it's your life. I just wouldn't expect her to be impressed.

Also, I don't think you should blame her for your lack of career movement. You made your choices, and you are responsible for the outcome. It's not like she dragged you off to the middle of nowhere.

[Wakeup]

You should just do what your instinct tells you to do and quit even thinking about controlling her and her decisions. It's all about HER in her world by the sounds of things. Start thinking the same way. What is it you REALLY want?

[steviej]

I could care less what people would think!

Op, if you're going to teach english, it's very important you watch this 3min video.
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om7O0MFkmpw]Dear America... | David Mitchell's SoapBox - YouTube[/url]