I need a male's take on what's going on...

[bclagirl]

I have been dating my bf for 8-1/2 months. We met online, I was very up front that I was overweight. I am a size 18. The smallest I have ever been is a size 12. We talked about that I'd like to be healthier, but due to a car wreck, it is hard for me to exercise, so due to pain I get discouraged. But it is something that I do want to do. When we met, the sparks flew! We were so very hot and heavy for the first few months. He told me how beautiful I was, that yes, I could lose some weight, but he thought I was absolute gorgeous and was very much attracted to me.

In April he got really sick, ended up having lung surgery. I moved in to help him with his care as the medicines he had to be on where pretty rough. He spent the summer healing. Over the summer, his two kids came to visit. I bonded with both children very quickly and I not only took care of him but I also took care of them as they were my children, which I do not have any. When his kids were here, his daughter talked about his last ex and how she was a really BIG girl, bigger than me. When she said that, it made me feel a little better and I thought he has a thing for bigger girls.

During the summer, we were not intimate. We went from sex 4x a week, daily touching, kissing and hugging to no sex, a hug in the AM and a few peck kisses. I understand that the recovery was hard on him because of what I have been through, so I have been very patient. Its been really hard to not have him touch me or give me a passionate kiss, but I have tried to respect that he is doing what he has to do to get better.

Now, the kids have gone back and he is back working and on the outside seems back to normal. He says he still hurts and the docs have said that he could hurt for up to 6-8 months after the surgery due to the severity of the procedure. We've had sex twice in the last 3 weeks, both times initiated by him. We still only hug once a day and he still only gives me peck kisses. Yesterday he had to dress up for work. I had never seen him dressed up like that, and I commented how hot and sexy he looked. He said his pants were tight, he needed to lose weight. I reassured him that he looked very good.

I texted him twice that day of how he was on my mind, how sexy he looked when he left for work. When I got home, I showered and waited for him. I was wearing a lace tank top that showed a lot of cleavage and boy short underwear. Instead of him showing any sexual desire to me, he wanted to play scrabble. The thought of him not being attracted to me anymore has been something that has weighed hard on me. He has assured me when I have brought it up before, that the distance he keeps from me is due to his pain and not me.

After our game of scrabble, changed into a t-shirt and pj pants. I got the courage to ask him if he was still attracted to me. I told him how bad I miss him, I miss the touches, the kisses, the everything we had before he got sick. He unconvincingly said he was attracted to me, that I was a beautiful woman, but then told me that my changing moods is what kills the moment. He brought up two instances this weekend when I was impatient and brash as his examples. Then he said he was overweight and needed to lose weight. Then it came to where I was overweight and I needed to lose weight. That he looks at pictures of me when i was in high school and thinks "she can get back to that size". We tried to talk more, but he kept going in weird circles, all ending up where I need to lose weight.

So I don't know how to take this. Is he staying away from me physically because he is not attracted to me because of my changing moods, or because I am overweight. Or is this him trying to cover up something else? I've not changed since we met, my weight has stayed the same.

I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss the man that made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world because he would just stare at me with a smile on his face. I miss being touched, kissed, hugged. Have I lost him for good?

[Wakeup]

Have I lost him for good?

Well, according to his very honest and open dialogue wherein you wanted to know what was up, I'd say you've not lost him for good if you lose weight and be more level in your moods. If you can do that then perhaps things will get back to the way they were. He barely knew you and when you moved in with him you were right dab in the middle of the Honey Moon period where people mistakenly think they can tolerate some things that they learn to find out that they can't or, they don't even notice them because of the infatuation.

Try not to let this offend you. It's healthier for you to be at a lighter weight and because he admits he could lose a few as well, it will give you a good reason for the two of you to do some activities that will help you both out.

I quit smoking 5 months ago and have put on 20 lbs that my hubby huggingly pointed out when he grabbed my rather fatter ass. Wherein I took a bit of offence then pointed out his budding tummy. The two of us are working out together now. This only has to be upsetting if you let it. Suggest you do some activities that you both can endure tonight. Walking, bike riding, etc.

[Ric]

He doesn't seem to feel comfortable in his own skin right now. He needs to lose weigh he says. (and losing weight together is easier, so might be why he is more forceful on you losing weight as well)
But, it comes down to, sexual desire can really diminish once one doesn't feel comfortable in their own skin.

[bclagirl]

I guess whats upsetting the most is from the start, we agreed to be completely up front and honest and we said we would not try to change each other. I asked him point blank 2 months ago if he still was attracted to me and I guess lied.

I am now really embarrassed and I feel really awkward around him. How long has he felt this way? Was the sex we shared recently out of feeling of obligation? Why would he be ok with my weight before but not now?

Then I start to really get in my own head where I start thinking is he still with me because of obligation? I gave up so much to take care of him, does he feel indebted to me an that's why he has continued to move forward with me, renting a house together mid summer.

I hate the way I feel and look now. For once in my life, I felt that I was beautiful and sexy...but that was just a lie? Self-esteem has been an issue of mine forever, I finally felt confident. Now, I feel even worse than I ever have.

[Wakeup]

I am now really embarrassed and I feel really awkward around him. How long has he felt this way? Was the sex we shared recently out of feeling of obligation? Why would he be ok with my weight before but not now?

Why would you choose to feel that way? Why instead wouldn't you choose to take it as a challenge to lose weight together and do some bonding things together like walking a mile or two together every night.

You can change your mind-set and be excited about this. There are wonderful weight management gigs out there now. Herbal Magic is a great one I know two people who have done wonderful on that and their self-esteem is through the roof now. Don't let this get you down. Take a possitive approch and ask him to help you while you help him. As you get those feel good endorphines from exercise working... you'll both be wanting more of each other as well

Giving up and becoming depressed won't help him to be attractive nor will it help you to feel attractive. Not to mention health concerns that are caused from excess weight. It's mind over matter, doll.

[Evo1114]

Perhaps after his near-death experience he has decided he needs to take better care of himself and maybe is discouraged that you aren't doing the same? He may still love you, but perhaps he is worried about your health but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so? I dunno. I don't mean to pile on here, but perhaps you can rekindle things by making a serious effot together to lose weight and live healthy lifestyles. Working out sucks the first few times, but it is SO freaking worth it. Cures physical ailments as well as any self-esteem issues. If you are ready to take that step, tell him so and just start with long walks together. Eventually get a gym membership together and start going there to work out together.

[bclagirl]

In the beginning of the summer, I joined a gym and I go at lunch 3-4 days a week for 30 minutes. I am about to renew my membership because I enjoy going up and doing a quick cardio class or work out on the elliptical machine. It helps relieve the stress I have from work and also handling the stress of my personal life recently. Plus, when the kids were here, he catered to them in what he cooked for dinner, so it was not healthy and I was afraid I'd gain weight if I did not do something to offset the bad food.

He will not exercise with me because he still has pain from his surgery. He uses that as his excuse for everything. I live in pain daily. In my wreck, my right knee and ankle were broken, my left hip dislocated and now is eaten up with arthritis along with my lower back. I will take over the counter pain relief medicine here and there, but mostly I just deal with it.

I still don't get how I was fine before, and now, he loves me, but I need to lose weight for him to want to have sex with me?

[Wakeup]

Just so you don't make any more excuses for why you don't want to lose weight (or perhaps so you shouldn't have to) I'll just say that you don't need to do anything too strenuous if you are on a good and healthy eating lifestyle. Look into Herbal Magic for instance so that you'll get the support you need while you're on your journey to being the best you that you can be. See your doctor for a referral to a therapist to help you with your self-esteem in general or read self help books that will keep you on track.

I suspect that once your self-esteem has grown through feeling better and looking better you won't be feeling so disillusioned. When you are at your best, then you will have the strength to leave him if HE doesn't improve on his attitude and his own health regimine. You shouldn't have to be his full time nurse either.

Frankly I give him credit for not enabling you to be unhealthy. Change your mind-set so that you are motivated to be healthy in body and spirit.

I wish you good luck in your journey... Let us know your progress and we'll be happy to cheer you on and encourage you along the way.

[bclagirl]

We had talked about both of us exercising together when we were early in the relationship. I don't have a problem with losing some weight. That is not the issue and I got side tracked.

My issue is, why is the now an issue? Why now, after 8 months is he not attracted to me because of this? Like I said, I have not changed my weight since we've met. I'm the same size as I was when he could not keep his hands off of me. The same size when he would undress me with his eyes in the morning before he went to work.

I don't get it, that's why I'd like a guys opinion on this. Can physical attraction be there and then be gone with no change when it comes to the object you are attracted to?

[Wakeup]

My issue is, why is the now an issue? Why now, after 8 months is he not attracted to me because of this? Like I said, I have not changed my weight since we've met. I'm the same size as I was when he could not keep his hands off of me. The same size when he would undress me with his eyes in the morning before he went to work.

I already gave you my take on that in my first post.

You moved in with him while you were both in the honeymoon period and during that period people overlook things and they think they can accept things that they eventually learn that they cannot. You barely knew one another before you jumped in there to be his caretaker as well. Perhaps now he views you like he would his mother or his nurse even? This is all conjecture and likely NOT what you want to hear so why don't you sit down with him and discuss it calmly and rationally with him after which you can decide if, by his answers, you can live with him feeling the way you do now.

No one here can tell you with 100% accuracy his reasons for his current feelings compared to "why now" after 8 months.

Good luck, I hope you can work past this to last the test of time together.

[HeartIsAching]

Well, according to his very honest and open dialogue wherein you wanted to know what was up, I'd say you've not lost him for good if you lose weight and be more level in your moods. If you can do that then perhaps things will get back to the way they were. He barely knew you and when you moved in with him you were right dab in the middle of the Honey Moon period where people mistakenly think they can tolerate some things that they learn to find out that they can't or, they don't even notice them because of the infatuation.

Try not to let this offend you. It's healthier for you to be at a lighter weight and because he admits he could lose a few as well, it will give you a good reason for the two of you to do some activities that will help you both out.

I quit smoking 5 months ago and have put on 20 lbs that my hubby huggingly pointed out when he grabbed my rather fatter ass. Wherein I took a bit of offence then pointed out his budding tummy. The two of us are working out together now. This only has to be upsetting if you let it. Suggest you do some activities that you both can endure tonight. Walking, bike riding, etc.

This is absolutely true. He honestly told you what was wrong. Yeah, it's kind of a shitty thing to do if he's changed his mind about how you look, but at least he was honest with you about it.

Personally I don't really care one way or the other, but if he does then you have to decide whether or not it's worth it to you to put the effort into it, and whether or not you feel comfortable doing something like that just to please him. If the answer is yes, I have some suggestions if you'd like.

Depending on how tall you are, size 18 isn't all that big, BTW.

[tonghaoo]

He doesn't seem to feel comfortable in his own skin right now. He needs to lose weigh he says.