Age Old Dilemma - Can Trust be Rebuilt?

[Nyack]

[Removed so my personal life is no longer on the web - thanks all for the advice.]

[Kyrina]

My partner cheated on me, i tried to trust him and couldnt, he said he didnt know why he did it then eventually it came out that it was because he couldnt deal with my illness.He couldnt face the fact i was going to die,well arent we all at sometime.Instead of facing it he talked to another woman telling her Things about me wishing i was out of the room and saying he wanted to wake up with her.I dont think i could i ever trust him again, i still love him but trust is important to me too i wasnt prepared to lose what little self respect i had for myself after he cheated.He is big on pc's so he has opportunity to do it i dont want to live the rest of my life afraid he's lying again i would rather not have to face that and asking him to get rid of the pc would only have him resent me.
The thing is she says its stopped and you want to trust her but also you say she met him at work does he work with her?You dont want to violate her trust in you and read her phone,I dont think that you should trust her without proof ok maybe she has quit but how can you tell.
Keeping her trapped will do nothing but make her more sneaky and do you really want to marry this woman who cheats before marriage and will probably do it again when married and then you have the big ugly divorce thing she gets half of everything yad yada.I would want proof if she seems hurt then she only has her to blame, i wouldnt risk a marriage with someone who sneaks behind my back its not about material possession's its about your own self respect.They dont say a cheater wont do it again because they do.Yeah its honourable to give her a chance to fix her screw up but you have awoman standing in front of you making vows to love and whatever, didnt she already make that commitment to you when you became exclusive?

[Nyack]

In answer to your two questions.
She is a Kitchen Designer and he's a kitchen fitter. So she goes out on surveys and measures kitchens, then creates plans and sells them to the customer. So they have some contact but don't work together all the time.

Yes, we were always exclusive, and although unspoken those vows of exclusivity were in place.
If you want me to reflect on that statement further, the essence becomes:
How can I trust her vows on the day of our marriage if she cannot keep her promises to be faithful whilst engaged?

I think the answer to that question will come in time, hopefully.

[Andariel]

If she wants to continue seeing him she can do so even during working hours.Cheaters have a way of findings ways to keep on cheating, if that is what they want. Has she explained why she cheated?Obviously something is not going well in your relationship if she felt the need to cheat. If things were OK between the two of you this wouldn't have happened. You both need to get to the bottom of this first and foremost so that you can fix whatever needs fixing together. She needs to be open and honest with you about what happened between them, how longs this went on for etc so that you don't spend your time torturing yourself by wondering how and when this happened. Next you need to decide what has to be done from now on to rebuild trust and set boundaries together. Just because she says it's over and she won't cheat again you can't believe it without seeing actions on her part: you may feel that one of the ways to rebuild trust is to ask her to stop working with him altogether-if she has feelings for him and is confused then obviously seeing him (albeit occassionally) is not going to help and sooner or later she will end up developing an affair with him.

I don't know if it is a good idea to continue planning for the wedding until all these issues have been resolved.Perhaps you need to put the wedding plans on hold until a) you feel you can trust her again and b) she feels happy enough in the relationship to remain committed to you.

At the moment, her efforts at a reconciliation with you seem to me to be really half-hearted, without any substantial basis, other than saying 'oh, it won't happen again, I love you but I have feelings for this guy'! You need to see actions before deicding that you still want to go ahead with the wedding. A quick fix without any substance won't get you anywhere. The problem needs to be identified and fixed, otherwise who is to say she won't do the same thing to you again in the future, when you will be married?Divorce is a really difficult and soul-draining process. Marriage should not be taken lightly. When you get married to someone you need to be at least be able to believe that they will uphold their vows to you.

[Nyack]

"Obviously something is not going well in your relationship if she felt the need to cheat."
Well we spoke about it, and although there are some underlying issues with how the relationship was none of them were serious enough to warrant this behaviour. (Her words.)
In essence her reason is that she got carried away and enjoyed the thrill of having two men want her...
"Who wouldn't want two men after her?"

The very real possibility of not resolving this and taking it into marriage does scare me, I will give you that. There are still many months between now and then, but it's not just until the day, it's whether we should continue planning it. It will be interesting if nothing else.

[Andariel]

Just to clarify that I was not in any way implying that her behaviour is justifiable. Even if there are problems within a relationship cheating is never the answer. She ought to have discussed whatever problems she had with you and either resolved them or left you to get on with your life. Lying to you, cheating on you shows utter disrespect for your feelings and the hurt she would be causing you.The only reason why I said you should try to get to the bottom of what made her cheat is because you said you wanted to work it out but if you don't establish why this has happened it is very likely it will happen again.

If her reasoning behind the cheating was that she liked the thrill of the chase etc then it sounds to me like this girl is not serious about getting married or her idea of marriage involves an open relationship with her husband and from what you have been saying in your post it does not seem that you would be happy with that. That why I said you also need to discuss boundaries if you are to stay together; both of you need to make it clear to one another what it is you expect out of your relationship.If you expect commitment (as the majority of people who decide to get married do) and she thinks that she can chase after other men then the marriage is not going to work.

In my opinion, going ahead with your wedding plans does not seem to be the best idea at the moment.There are other more pressing issues that you need to sort out and agree on before you can start thinking about that.

[Kyrina]

"Who wouldn't want two men after her?"
A woman that is committed entirely to her man will not in any circumstance betray him or herself with ego matters such as this,however this is my opinion and not all women are like me.
I may have given my guy a chance but i wasnt prepared to listen to every damn keystroke and think what if, i may be wrong but i dont see why i should subject myself to this torture when he already proved that his love for me wasnt strong enough to withstand temptation.
Can you say that everytime her phone rings or she gets a text that you dont remember her deceit and the pain comes back /or that you dont think is it him or another guy.
In time you may be in a place where you dont think about it i hope you both reach that place and she is faithful to you.Im sorry she has done this but i really would want to know if these things in the relationship that didnt really matter became important maybe subconciously for her to enter temptation.Shouldnt she have been talking to you and clarifying these problems not entertaining anything else.
To go to a motel/hotel room with a man pay for it meet him there isnt enticing only her and this guy why do it, i believe your town has coffee shops.I dont wish to seem flippant although my words appear it,i feel your pain and see you need to believe in her,we all want that love for as long as we can keep it but sometimes its not our choice we as a person and our emotions shrapnel in the web of deceit another chooses.
I hope it works for you but i would say i love you and want to marry you but i would like to wait rebuild my trust if she is sorry etc she will do as you ask but thats only what you can do if you are prepared to.
Good luck



Andariel get out of my head lol ..... Sorry OP if these are to same to read

[HeartIsAching]

As a rule, cheaters don't change. She'll do it again. Why would you want to rebuild trust with her?

My advice? Don't marry her. End the relationship and move on. It'll hurt less in the end that way.