too haunted by the past

[andstuff]

hi all,

i've had a major problem for quite a while. i met my lover after i already moved to another country, but kept going back home, occasionally. so we'd meet less than frequently, but with every encounter it was more and more obsessive, he'd write love songs about me, we'd spend ages talking, all that kind of thing. then at some point i thought i might be going for good, and he sort of had no way of ever going to where i live, then for some reason i just stopped hearing from him altogether.

but this was where the whole thing actually started. because i couldn't figure out what was wrong, started getting drunk at every opportunity, would fell off bikes at night when stoned, nothing worth living through again. the funny bit is, i kept going back home but my presence was ignored.

after a while, i found out he actually married some salesgirl who can't spell, was kind of easy in the age of facebook and such. even so, nothing ended. this affair we had had was really the most touching and beautiful thing that had ever happened to me, so i was more than reluctant to admit it was over. i had a blog that i knew he kept reading, so i started posting all sorts of stuff, from pictures where i was provocatively dressed (nothing vulgar though) to poems or a story of how i went to see his favourite singer and how i kept thinking of him (nothing explicit, again, all very subtle). so i saw he kept reading and re-reading it.

then one day, after another (rather over-emotional) poem he sent me a message saying what had been going on between us was too beautiful for him, almost, like he wasn't good enough to be around me, was a very adorable declaration of dependence, to cut it short (well, he didn't mention there was anyone else in his life or anything, so he kept assuming i don't know)

basically, it all grows on me, i keep going over and over the little that we managed to share, no one has ever been closer to me, everyone else seems boring or pretentious or something else, it's super hard to imagine i will ever want anyone that bad, that i will ever want to transgress myself to enter someone else's body and soul to the same extent.

the most frustrating bit is that it looks like he's gone pretty much downhill since we met, so he's not the same person anymore, the spark has dwindled.

people's advice is most typically "there's lots of guys out there", but i just haven't seen anyone who'd get me hooked, everyone seems boring or trying too hard or willing to experience intense emotions but incapable thereof. not to mention i don't want to touch anyone, don't want to look good for anyone and dread any thought of having sex with someone even though this person who keeps haunting me was pretty much below average in what regards this aspect.

i feel like i'm that "difficult" girl everyone abhors and avoids who only attracts total freaks (people say it's not true, i'm just paranoid). on top of all, i met a psychic in the street by accident (she just stopped me and told me my whole story just by looking into my eyes) who said i'll have another relationship soon, even better than the previous one, but still i'm scared i might do something wrong and never be picked up by the right person (every time i go dancing, cool and charismatic guys never look my way, it's just the so called nice guys who try to advance and end up reminded what their position should be).

and i'm still haunted by this closeness i used to have with my lover, because we were both this over-emotional kind, so it kind of resonated too much. he kind of let me understand he still lives through the same kind of hell that i am. i also hate the idea of moving on, because it has always seemed humiliating, implying someone else won, even though obviously everybody lost.

i have no idea whatsoever what i should do under the circumstances, would be grateful for any advice, really. thanks in advance xx

[MerryH]

There's nothing to do now except move on. Moving on isn't humiliating, it's takes guts and initiative and sometimes hard work. It's ridiculous to feel that "someone else won." It's not a game. It would be more humiliating to keep pining over a married man, sending subtle messages to him through your blog, posting on internet forums about it, and staying single the rest of your life.

[andstuff]

but the point is that he loves me after all this time

besides, i just can't content myself with second best choices. humiliating is sharing the bed and time with rubbish boring people who walk around hungry for crazy love with that stamp of being unfulfilled all over their face. i want to throw up the moment someone looks at me with interest, because it all feels wrong. what's the point in not being single? even though i have become somewhat of a lovaholic, i need this intense stuff to live, without it there's no point. but the moment one of these so-called 'nice guys' looks my way i even dread the possibility of having feelings for someone like that. and i'm sort of good-looking and popular, by the way.

surely it's not this kind of hard work you were referring to, making myself have feelings for every random crap that comes my way???? - because this is kind of unmanageable