Says she's confused about her life (or ex or both)...

[UnluckyInLove1]

Hi all i'm looking for some advice on how to handle the situation I find myself in.

I went to meet a girl I know through friends and speaking to online about 4 weeks ago. We had been speaking quite frequently online for about 3 months before this. She suggested we should meet up because she thought I was a funny person and we got on well. She also said I looked nice from pictures she had seen of me etc so I was quite happy and it gave me a huge boost because I have been suffering with a bit of depression this year and I also suffer from anxiety and paranoia about things to do with my appearance. She's a very pretty girl and I haven't had much contact with the opposite sex for a while so you can imagine...

Just a bit of back story then...

I told her all these things about the way I feel etc and she sort of helped me through a bad patch were I was feeling low. Told me all the usual things, everyone's different and as long as you are a nice person you will find someone, that sort of stuff. After I told her some of the things about the way I feel she started to be a bit more open with me about being unhappy with her life also. Basically just saying she's always fed up and wants to move away from her hometown.

She told me back in May that she had just split up with her long term boyfriend and it didn't even register the fact that she could just be on the rebound or whatever. I did ask how long she had not been with him for and she said i'm not counting. I assumed at least 3 months back then and would say she hasn't been with him for 5-8 months now. She's mentioned him in conversations to me, saying hes ringing her house or whatever crying on the phone, trying to get back her. She told me she wishes he would go away and leave her alone, shes wants to move on with her life...

Anyway, a few weeks after she suggested it, we met up. I thought it went well. I wasn't as shy as I thought I was going to be, I was quite confident actually. Like when I was younger and didn't have a care in the world. I put my confidence down to the fact that this girl had made me feel better about myself. She however was a bit more reserved and it was me doing all the talking/acting silly. I didn't mind, she seemed interested in things I was saying and laughed at my stupidness lol

Anyway, I asked for a kiss before we went our seperate ways and she gave me one. When we were kissing though she broke off and sort of giggled. I said what and she says "oh I havent kissed anyone since my ex"
I didn't know what to make of it at the time, I mean she had told me it was dead between them so I didn't really think about it too much. I was just looking forward to seeing her again soon.

For the next week or so after we had met everything seemed ok, we were talking and she was saying you're nicer in person, I want to see you again soon and stuff. Then one day she mentions her ex has been sending her messages on facebook saying he wants to get back with her again. We have spoken about him before, shes told me all the bad things obviously and I told her I thought he was a bad person.

This time when she mentioned him though, she went a bit weird later on in the day. Said she couldn't explain something and just didn't contact me for a couple of days. Then when I did speak to her she said "i feel confused at the minute, i was with my ex for 4 years I guess im just starting to miss him". So I said theres nothing I can really say here, its out of my hands. If your heads not right then you need to work it out.

So as you can imagine I was a bit confused myself. I didn't expect her to turn around and say this after everything she has said to me about him and her saying she likes me an stuff. I have obviously been thinking that she is just using this as an excuse to break off contact with me but that could just be me over thinking things.

About a week after she told me about these unspent emotions she changed what she was "confused" about or at least added to the confusion by saying "i always pretend im happy to everyone and i need to sort it out". Since then we've spoken but not much. I'm trying not to come across as if i'm waiting for a definitive answer to the whole saga lol

It's really weird now between us I feel. I don't know what to do. Should I just keep being myself trying to make her laugh or is this her saying well actually there isn't anything there? :-/

I think that's all the info I need to put in for the question I want answered...

My main questions to anyone who has been kind enough to read this are,

Does it look like shes using the ex as an excuse or is it genuine?

Should I continue to try to date this girl even if I give her say 2 months to "think" or whatever?

Does it sound as though I have become a bit dependent on me and this girl talking because of her boosting my morale, I just feel a bit empty since she has been saying these things.

Just really confused myself at the minute

I will probably have some more questions and I definitely have more information for anyway who can offer their support, would just like to see what kind of response's I get.

Thank you

[searock]

I do think that you've developed some dependence on you and this girl talking, since it made you feel better about yourself. You need it in order to feel good about yourself. Try to work on this: you should be happy regardless of the fact that you're in touch with her (or anybody else) or not. Only then you will be able to realize whether what you feel for her (or anybody else) is genuine, or if it's just something that you need, rather than want.

It is possible that she found in you what you found in her, a way to boost her confidence and make her feel better. You were both experiencing negative periods in your life, and you found comfort in one another. So you don't really know whether you want to be with one another or not.

As for the ex. When she said she "wasn't counting", I think she might have been talking about weeks, rather than months. And she was definitely still having feelings for him back then. I think she has feelings for him still (she instinctively thought about him, while kissing you).

How old are you both? Have you seen her only once in person?

I suggest you try to forget about her and get on with your life. Stop depending on her so much. You don't need her in order to be happy.

[Andariel]

I think that she genuinely likes you as a person and enjoyed your company and that before the ex told her he wanted to get back together, she was considering dating you. However, based on the info in your post it does seem that she had lingering feelings for him.

Even if she mentioned to you all the bad stuff he did, I'm sure they also had some good times together as is the case with any relationship. She wasn't completely over him and maybe she didn't even want to admit that to herself at the time.When he told her he wanted to get back together, he probably made all kinds of promises about changing the things that bothered her and she fell for it.

As far as you are concerned, you seem to got too attached to her possibly because ,as you said, you have been having low-confidence issues lately. This of course does not mean that you don't actually genuinely like her.But you wouldn't have become so attached if you were feeling more confident, because let's face it, you only met her once. The online stuff doesn't really count. It is when you see a person and spend time with them that you start sharing life experiences together and bonding with each other.

I think that whilst she is with her ex, you need to take a big step back. Let her be with him and maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. If they breakup she will need time to heal and if she jumps into a relationship with you, you could well end up being the rebound guy. No one can tell the future though, so if she does break up with him and you are still interested then you can gauge whether she is over him or not and decide whether you still want to pursue her.

What is really important now, however, is to focus on yourself. Dig deep inside you and find the reasons why you don't feel as confident as you used to. Then you can start doing things that can help boost your self-esteem.For instance, say someone used to be really fit and that made them feel really confident around girls. Then they went through something that made them lose all interest in exercising and taking care of themselves.As a result, they put on weight and now they don't feel as attractive as they used to. This person is still the person they used to be but because they now have a different physical image of themselves, they may feel less confident.What could they do so that they can start feeling more physically attractive?Start exercising and taking care of themselves again or accept that this is who they are now and people will just have to accept them for it.Either solution is fine as long as it makes them happy! :-)

[UnluckyInLove1]

I do think that you've developed some dependence on you and this girl talking, since it made you feel better about yourself. You need it in order to feel good about yourself. Try to work on this: you should be happy regardless of the fact that you're in touch with her (or anybody else) or not. Only then you will be able to realize whether what you feel for her (or anybody else) is genuine, or if it's just something that you need, rather than want.

It is possible that she found in you what you found in her, a way to boost her confidence and make her feel better. You were both experiencing negative periods in your life, and you found comfort in one another. So you don't really know whether you want to be with one another or not.

As for the ex. When she said she "wasn't counting", I think she might have been talking about weeks, rather than months. And she was definitely still having feelings for him back then. I think she has feelings for him still (she instinctively thought about him, while kissing you).

How old are you both? Have you seen her only once in person?

I suggest you try to forget about her and get on with your life. Stop depending on her so much. You don't need her in order to be happy.

I'm 24 shes 19.

I think its a little longer myself since they split up. Still, the feelings would still be there right?

From some of what you are saying I feel as though I have let my get self get too ... can't think of a word ... emotionally involved? As Andariel has said, I shouldn't becoming attached when its just over the net. Suppose its just my current situation thats let it esculate. Reality becoming blurred :-/

Thanks for your advice

[UnluckyInLove1]

I think that she genuinely likes you as a person and enjoyed your company and that before the ex told her he wanted to get back together, she was considering dating you. However, based on the info in your post it does seem that she had lingering feelings for him.

Even if she mentioned to you all the bad stuff he did, I'm sure they also had some good times together as is the case with any relationship. She wasn't completely over him and maybe she didn't even want to admit that to herself at the time.When he told her he wanted to get back together, he probably made all kinds of promises about changing the things that bothered her and she fell for it.

As far as you are concerned, you seem to got too attached to her possibly because ,as you said, you have been having low-confidence issues lately. This of course does not mean that you don't actually genuinely like her.But you wouldn't have become so attached if you were feeling more confident, because let's face it, you only met her once. The online stuff doesn't really count. It is when you see a person and spend time with them that you start sharing life experiences together and bonding with each other.

I think that whilst she is with her ex, you need to take a big step back. Let her be with him and maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. If they breakup she will need time to heal and if she jumps into a relationship with you, you could well end up being the rebound guy. No one can tell the future though, so if she does break up with him and you are still interested then you can gauge whether she is over him or not and decide whether you still want to pursue her.

What is really important now, however, is to focus on yourself. Dig deep inside you and find the reasons why you don't feel as confident as you used to. Then you can start doing things that can help boost your self-esteem.For instance, say someone used to be really fit and that made them feel really confident around girls. Then they went through something that made them lose all interest in exercising and taking care of themselves.As a result, they put on weight and now they don't feel as attractive as they used to. This person is still the person they used to be but because they now have a different physical image of themselves, they may feel less confident.What could they do so that they can start feeling more physically attractive?Start exercising and taking care of themselves again or accept that this is who they are now and people will just have to accept them for it.Either solution is fine as long as it makes them happy! :-)

Thanks for your advice Andariel. This is just what i've been needing, a few different opinions and you and Searock have helped me greatly

I don't think shes actually back with him yet but its probably looking that way. Just gotta pick myself up like you have said, thank you

[Andariel]

Good luck, mate! :-)