Why he behaved like that? I need your help, please :( (quite long)

[AnnaLucia]

I need help in understanding my ex's behavior. It's a long story but I need to give as much important details as possible.

In June I split up with my boyfriend. He had many problems and he pushed me away, became distant and didn't want my support. It was mutual decision to split up, he wanted to deal with his problems alone and said he doesn't feel ready for relationship. He also said that he feels he can't give me what I need and that when he "grows up" he will try to do everything to deserve me. So I let him go, I told myself that if he really loves me he will come back. Summer break had started and we went back to our hometowns.

After two weeks he wrote to me and we started talking, first like friends and than it became more intense. He managed to deal with most of his problems so he was feeling better. We started flirting, talking like when we were together. He admitted that he miss me very much and we even planned the date when we are going to meet. We wanted to get back together. Last week he went on a trip with some of our friends for a few days. He wrote to me right after he came back (as he promised). He was behaving normally, he was flirting, sending kisses and told me that he missed me. The next day I checked Facebook and I noticed that he changed status to "in relationship". Well, it wasn't about me. I was terribly shocked. I asked him about it and he said that his friend was there and now she is his girlfriend.

First he said that it was because I'm so far away (I invited him multiple times to visit me and I even went to the city where we study for a few days to meet with him but in the end he couldn't come). However that other girl also lives in "far away" town and she doesn't even study in this same city as us!
Than he added that she made him change his status because she changed her first (when we were together we were talking how we are opposing showing our personal life on fb and he agreed completely).
What is more he told everyone that he is with that girl after spending only 4 days with her, and after being with me for few months he didn't want to show it or talk about it to anybody (only his brother and roommates known about us). I feel like he was ashamed of our relationship (I'm really not a girl which someone should be ashamed of) or maybe he didn't treat it seriously.
And finally he said that relationship with this girl want last anyway and when he will finish with her we can start dating again. No way!
I told him how I feel about it, but my answer wasn't harsh (I think I was to shocked) and in the end he said he want to be friends. But he hasn't written a word since our last talk. I know that maybe I should be grateful that he hasn't and I'm done with him but now I'm feeling even worse. I think he threw me away like old toy he doesn't need anymore.

I just want to know why he did it? Why he behave like this? I need some clues. It's like he has multiple personalities or something. When we split up before summer break he behaved so mature and sympathetic and now he did something like this in a worst possible way.

[Andariel]

The way I see it is that he is over you. All the things he was saying when you were breaking up sound like typical of a guy who is no longer in love and wants to break up but at the same time doesn't want to look like the bad guy for dumping you.A lot of guys in this situation will say things like I want to work on myself and sort things out and maybe in the future we could be together again- That's essentially his way of saying that this is over and he is just sugarcoating it for you.Also it's a good way of keeping you on the side just in case he decides that the grass is not greener elsewhere and decides to take you back when it would be convenient for him.

The fact that he essentially was keeping your relationship more or less a secret is a huge red flag that should have made you realise that something was not going well at all. When a guy (or a girl) is in love with the person they are in a relationship with they will talk about it to pretty much everyone. When someone is hiding their relationship then it is obvious that he is not taking it seriously.

Whether his new relationship lasts or not, it does not matter. You need to accept this is over and start moving on. You should go No Contact with him (no phone calls, no emails, no texts, no facebook communication even when he initiates the contact). If he contacts you again tell him you accept his decision and that you are not willing to wait around like some pathetic loser until he one day might consider you as an option! Explain that you now want to focus on yourself and your life and as such you do not want to have any contact with him and that perhaps in the future you could be firends (if this is something that you would like) and that if/when the time is right for that , you will contact him.

Don't waste your time on this loser.Move on and be happy with someone who will really appreciate you and will be proud and happy to walk down the street with you by his side! :-)

[AnnaLucia]

Thank you very much for you answer. :-)

About him keeping our relationship secret - it was also one of the reason we split up . I told him that I'm not okay with that but he said it's because he likes privacy (I don't know why I accepted that answer then). However I thought that because he knows I don't like it he will change it when we get back together. I guess I'm still young and naive.

I won't contact him, I'm too proud and too hurt right now to do this anyway.

[Andariel]

Good for you for respecting and valuing yourself enough to cut off ties with him. It will be hard at first but trust me it will be worth it in the long run. He sounds like an immature loser with no regard for your feelings so consider yourself lucky to have gotten rid of him!

Best of luck to you. :-)

[Yet another guy]

I just want to know why he did it? Why he behave like this?

My guess:
1. He broke up because he didn't feel ready for a relationship and felt that he needed to grow up.
2. He started talking again because he missed you.
3. He started dating a girl because well, why people choose to date in general. Maybe she has big tits, who knows.
4. He has stopped initiating contact with you because he suspects that you might have feelings for him but he's unavailable now.

His new gf probably has her own set of problems considering that she decided that they're in a relationship after 4 days and apparently made him tell it to everyone as well.
He's probably right in that it won't last, but the fact that he's still going for it shows that he was quite right about him being immature.

[AnnaLucia]

This is answer to Andariel's post:

Well, it will be hard because we study together and since October we are going to have many more classes together and what is worse some of them in small groups (about 8 people).
But you're right, I'm lucky I got rid of him (at least as a boyfriend). I think I'm glad all of this happened now before we officially got back together. I would get much more attached to him and I think it would hurt much more.

[AnnaLucia]

Yet another guy, thank you for your opinion.

If it's all about his immaturity then he will have to deal with this by himself.

3. He started dating a girl because well, why people choose to date in general. Maybe she has big tits, who knows.

I don't think spending 4 days in the forest is dating. That's all they spent together. I would even understand if it was an amazing love at first sight but he said he doesn't think about it seriously (I even feel sorry for that girl if he treats her like that). But I think you may be right about big tits... this plus liters of alcohol they drank in that forest.

[Yet another guy]

If it's all about his immaturity then he will have to deal with this by himself.

That's the spirit

[xiaapiee]

with him but now I'm feeling even worse.

[inexistent_love]

Have one question here, why girls say the the whole story about a relationship but never say the vital word? If it was a guy, first thing, he would say, i love her, but i read girls who speak about everything except she loves the guy or not, that i end with the impression all she cares about is to be in relationship with whomever available and love is not part of the equation. Like your story for example, how can i understand the situation in order for me to offer my perspective on his behavior when in the end i don't understand your position and where you're coming from. The most important question do you love him or not? how important is him for you? When you're ready to clarify your position, only then I may be able to give my perspective on his attitude by reading you, however after reading your story, i am not going to say he is a loser or sympathize with you since your own narration and side of the story lead me to believe that you don't love him and his reason for not taking you serious is he doesn't seem to feel it as i myself didn't by reading you. Sorry to say it but seems strange to me the way girls talk about a relationship without saying what makes it as such.

[AnnaLucia]

I love him. Even now. I told him how important he is to me. Now I'm feeling completely heartbroken because the person I trusted more than anyone in my life and to whom I opened my heart betrayed me in such way. I feel a mix of anger and horrible sadness. First I'm glad we are not together anymore and next I cry and hope that he will say he is sorry and want me back.

And no, I don't what a relationship with whoever is available just to be in relationship. I don't want to advertise it on facebook and tell everybody "look it's my boyfriend!".

And he wrote to me two days ago to tell me that he had slept with that girl a few weeks ago so it turns out he was writing to me how badly he miss me and that he wants to hug me, kiss me etc. and then he was spending night with her. Well, I have no idea why he felt need to inform me about it. To devastated me even more?

[Andariel]

This should bring it home that the guy is a prick who is not worth your time or love. One minute he is telling you he is supposedly missing you and the next he is enjoying the single life and is later essentially bragging to you about sleeping with another woman. He is no good.

My recommendation is this: unfriend and block him from FB and any other social network you are using, block his email address so that you no longer receive emails from him, block his number on your phone so he can't call you. Essentially stop all contact with/from him. You cannot start the healing process if you allow him to get in touch with you. Every time he contacts you , it will make you feel worse and make you wonder why he said this, why he did that etc. It does not matter why he said or did something; this is over. He is just using you now and you are allowing him to do that to you by not cutting off all contact.

It is time to move on. No Contact is the only way to move on and maintain your sanity.

[AnnaLucia]

Thank you. I will do this...
But still I don't know how I will react when I see him. In two weeks we have exam so we are going to meet at the university for sure. I know that in two weeks my feelings will still be fresh (I very emotional person and I can't forget so quickly).

And as I said before we study together and since October we are going to have many more classes together and some of them in small groups. Shit...

[Andariel]

It sucks that you have to see his sorry arse! However, don't let him get to you. If you run into each other and he comes over to talk just be polite but end any conversation firmly and as quiickly as possible with a 'sorry, gotta run.I am meeting some friends/have an exam etc'

.Don't let yourself get into a conversation with him, don't agree to go for a coffee with him to catch up or anything like that. If he insists just say I am focusing on myself right now and as such I don't want to be in contact with you. If in the future I feel like being friends with you I will be in touch and leave it at that.

Chances are he won't talk to you unless you talk to him first so if I were you I would just ignore him and move on with my life. No point in trying to pretend you can be friends because as long as you are not over him this is not going to happen.

[inexistent_love]

All i can say if you love him as you say, then give him a chance not for his sake, rather for the sake if your own heart. I don't know the particulars of the relationship and very unfair to judge his attitude without listening to him first, however as i say for the sake of your own heart, no harm to give one or more chance to a person your heart loved and trusted. This time perhaps you can be firm by assuring him it's going to be the last you would tolerate what he does, tell him how much you love him and for that alone you're going to give it a shot, he has to acknowledge you as his one and only girl in any arena if willing to accept the given opportunity. Let me be honest with you, if you ever think you're going to find much more trustworthy and loyal man, the highest probability he is inexistent. Some guys begin their love life as loyal and end many years later as betrayers and some begin disloyal and end with the conviction to be the most trustworthy, so it's a call for you to make based on all you alone know about the relationship, and how much love you hold for him that allows you to tolerate his attitude. Since you're the one feeling the stronger love, then it's your task to bring him closer to you by showing the care and love you're able to extend. The question will be: are you going to succeed in having him believe it's better for him to be with a girl greatly loves and cares for him, rather than being with a girl he loves great while she is not able to feel the same for him. Would be very difficult to say now what is going to happen because people are different, however the chance to try and test is always there, isn't it? Are you going to break your heart by trying, it's already broken, isn't it? What make it worth the try are his attempts to come back to you, perhaps by telling you about other girls, just trying to make you jealous and have you show more feelings, or maybe he is a bit confused due to the many available girls out there and still need time to decide. Remember you're doing it for the sake of your own heart and not his, this is very important notion for you to remember while doing all of this.