I don't want to be the other woman... help

[theotherwoman]

*Just to clarify, I broke up with "Mike" years ago and have since dated a few other guys whose secrets have really hurt me so I am kind of jaded and totally single haha*

I met this boy "Jason" back in high school approximately six years ago...

I was shy, awkward, nerdy, a complete band geek who obsessed more about my perfect GPA than my frizzy curly hair and few extra pounds.

He was on the football team, tall, smart, shy, blue eyes, dark curly hair, and in with the "popular" crowd but different from the other shallow "popular" guys, he was quiet and easily embarrassed.

Somehow we ended up adding eachother on MSN and spent every day after class chatting. I used to rush home in hopes of seeing him pop online and he always did. We chatted and flirted but it was always online. I remember one day his friend came online and hinted that Jason liked me... me being insecure and immature assumed it was all a practical joke, to be played on the "nerd". I ran into him at school in the hallways and remember how he would go bright red and couldn't even speak, yet I still thought a guy like that wouldn't be interested in a girl like me.

One night he asked to come over or go for a walk with his friend. I remember seeing him outside the front of my house... I hid. It was late at night and I was sure he had been drinking and figured it was all a joke to be played on me.

Then I started talking to an ex boyfriend ("Mike") of mine at the time who also happened to be in this "popular" crowd. Things started heating up with Mike and Jason faded away... only to start dating the most popular, blonde, thin girl in our school - "Sarah". I had always been jealous of this girl, Mike once listed her as the "hottest" girl in our grade and always talked about how he wished he could have the chance to date and just talk to her.

So Jason and I went our separate ways.

I dated Mike, a guy I wasn't physically attracted to but being insecure I stayed with him because I didn't want to be alone. Jason dated Sarah. Yet sometimes Jason and I still chatted. He would compliment me and flirt with me despite dating Sarah... one night in my first year of university he went on webcam with me and talked about how he had never felt the same way about anyone else. We spoke every night until 5 or 6 in the morning for a couple of months. Then one day he just stopped coming online. I knew he felt guilty or was caught chatting with me and I continued on with my life trying to get over the dissappointment of him not coming online anymore... but he remained my "fantasy", the guy who "got away", the "what if".

Almost a year went by and I went to my friend's wedding. As I walked in with Mike... I looked towards a guy who instantly caught my eye. He looked back. I am not kidding... lighting flashed (it was an outdoors wedding) and thunder rumbled as our eyes met... it was Jason. Jason was still with Sarah and we spent the night seated at a table side by side. He refused to hold her hand, paid only attention to me, would laugh at my jokes, and almost completely ignored Sarah... making me feel bad for her but also giddy for myself. I knew it wasn't right to feel this way about another guy while dating Mike, I knew I would never physically cheat but the way I felt when Jason looked at me proved to me that Mike wasn't the one for me.

Jason and Sarah surprisingly attended my birthday party at a restaurant a few weeks after the wedding... that night my boyfriend Mike was mad at me (unrelated) and walked out of my house, leaving me alone sobbing at the computer. After almost a year of no contact, Jason popped online explaining that after seeing me at the wedding and my birthday he just had to talk to me and we spent the night of my birthday talking until 6 or 7am. I was exhausted but thrilled. We then continued to chat every night in my second year of university until he dissappeared after a couple of months... again. This time his Facebook status showed him as broken up with Sarah and I thought he had finally left her to be with me. I found out a year later that it was because my boyfriend Mike had found and read the conversation between us and went and told Sarah that Jason was hitting on me which resulted in them breaking up. The break up lasted a week and they were together again. Another year went by and I ran into them at another wedding, this time unaware that I was the cause of their brief breakup. He stared at me again... causing Sarah to get angry... I tried to play it cool but I just couldn't shake the feelings I had for him.

A week ago he came on msn for the first time in two years. I was visting my hometown and he was also visiting the same town. Me, having been through multiple failed relationships and newly single, decided to take a risk and just say "hi". He told me that he was living two hours away from the city I live in while going to school when normally he lived in a city a long ferry ride and trip away. After chatting for a little while he asked if he could accompany me on a walk. We walked and chatted for 3 hours... until the sun literally rose. We separated after the first hour and a half... only until he texted me and we decided to meet again and continue our walk. We sat down on a bench, he awkwardly took my hand into his, we held hands and he gently touched my knee with his other hand. I knew if I had looked up at him he would have kissed me so I stayed rigid on the bench. He walked me home, his arm around me, protectively holding me like a boyfriend. As he said goodbye he came in for a kiss but kissed my cheek and I kissed his cheek back... and we parted. All I can think about is that after all of these years he STILL wants me. I never want to be the "other woman" but I have never felt the way I do about him with anyone else. I have never found that person who makes me shake just thinking about meeting them, I could barely talk. It made me realize that I need to find that in my life, there is no point dating someone who does not make me feel that way, every other guy was worthless in my mind when compared to him.

Yet he is still dating Sarah... it's been five years. What I don't understand is how they aren't living together, how they only see eachother on weekends (he works and she goes to school), how they aren't engaged, how he has never once posted something romantic or sweet to her on the internet. I can't help it but I feel like he is too insecure to leave her and is stuck in a relationship... one much like the one I had with Mike... comfortable and familiar but not the right person. Or maybe they are really happy and he is just a cheater. I know it's a dangerous and hopeless romantic way of thinking but I feel like he is the one true person I am supposed to be with and even if he isn't, i'd give up so much just to try and see if it would work out.

Even just being his friend would be enough for me.

I want to ask him to meet me and hang out with me, go to the pub, go for coffee, go for a walk, play pool, anything with me now that I have moved back to the city I live in while attending school and he is now living a two hour drive away.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't heard from him since (it's been a week). He knows I was still living in my hometown (until tomorrow) and he had went back to the town he is working in (near my university). I want to contact him, to text him, to initiate conversation but everyone says that if a guy really likes you, he will contact you. I do know that he's shy... and that I rejected his advances to kiss me. Is there a chance he thinks I'm not interested? Perhaps he feels guilty? I just want to message him and tell him to take a risk on me, to get out of his relationship and to just try. But I know that even if it happens he will miss her and I don't want to be the rebound. Should I message him? Suggest meeting for coffee as friends? Should I just not say anything at all? I wouldn't normally do this, I would never want to be "the other woman" but part of me feels like I will regret not taking this opportunity later in life. Perhaps a fantasy is meant to stay a fantasy... perhaps he cheats on her all of the time and is actually a really creepy guy. Something inside tells me that I'm different though. Maybe that's just hope.

*I'm single now, I broke up with "Mike" years ago and have dated other guys since, just to clarify haha*

[searock]

[edit] Sorry, I thought you were still in a relationship. My bad .

Then yes I do think you should contact him. It doesn't matter whether he's in a relationship or not, I mean it does, but it's up to him to decide what to do with it. It might be that he feels like he's "stuck", and is one of those indecisive guys who need a "strong" woman to "push" them in the right direction in order to take life-changing decisions. If you really think there's something deep between you, you should definitely talk to him. He might never make the move, it's up to you. Good luck!

[IndiReloaded]

My personal philosophy is if they aren't married, getting married or have kids then 'all's fair', etc. As you said, you have no idea what their relationship is like.

But you don't want to be a skank either, stealing other people's partners. That's not cool for men or women. So, what you need to do is find a chance to tell him that, were he to ever breakup with his GF, that you'd be interested in getting together. Then back way off. That's it. After all, the way he treats her is the way he will treat you, if you manage to get him.

Meantime, try to find a single guy.

And yes, it would be decent of you to breakup with your current BF first since you obviously aren't that into him.

[theotherwoman]

I am single, I broke up with "Mike" years ago because I knew the feelings weren't right and have since dated a few other guys who I have also broken up with for the same reason.

[theotherwoman]

Thank you! I'm just not sure what to say or how to word it without sounding super aggressive!

[bluesummer]

Everything Indy said.

You can throw it out there..."I'm still interested....." and leave it in his hands (as in, he must break up with gf first). Normally I don't advocate going after other people's partners, but the history here seems to suggest you guys have had feelings for years, his gf knows this even. The scenario doesn't strike me as him being a sleazebag that cheats on his girl. He's probably unhappy, been stuck for a long time and doesn't know how to get out (he probably does love her too, but it doesn't mean they're happy). If they've been together 5 years and there's no ring on her finger and he still has feelings for you, I think the only way they'll end up married is if you write him off. Just throw your cards on the table.

[moosegal]

My personal philosophy is if they aren't married, getting married or have kids then 'all's fair', etc. As you said, you have no idea what their relationship is like.

But you don't want to be a skank either, stealing other people's partners. That's not cool for men or women. So, what you need to do is find a chance to tell him that, were he to ever breakup with his GF, that you'd be interested in getting together. Then back way off. That's it. After all, the way he treats her is the way he will treat you, if you manage to get him.

Meantime, try to find a single guy.

And yes, it would be decent of you to breakup with your current BF first since you obviously aren't that into him.

Excellent advice. theotherwoman, you really aren't the other woman until you actually date ... chatting with him on occasion is nothing more than just that. Take the advice of IndiReloaded ... that advice is dead on for this situation.

[Andariel]

Why not suggest to him to meet for a coffee? If he agrees and you meet up then that will be your chance to tell him how you feel about him and to make it clear that you would be interested in a relationship with him if he was single.

If he is interested you will need to be patient and not let your emotions take hold of you and end up sleeping with him while he still has a gf. The minute you start sleeping with him whilst he is still attached then that is when you will become the other woman and the chances of him ever leaving her will be practically zero.

Also, be careful about signs that he is a serial cheater-if he is willing to pursue an affair with you but still wants to keep his gf around until he supposedly feels safe with you, you will know the guy is a player. You also need to keep in mind that he may be a completely deifferent person now compared to what he was like all those years ago so don't think that because you knew him back then you still know him know.

People change as they grow up, their habbits, their way of thinking, their attitude towards life in general evolves. You will still need to date him before going to bed with him to ensure that you are compatible and you are still happy with the person he is today (and vice versa), otherwise you might be setting yourself up for more heartache in the future. Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress!

[IndiReloaded]

People change as they grow up, their habbits, their way of thinking, their attitude towards life in general evolves. You will still need to date him before going to bed with him to ensure that you are compatible and you are still happy with the person he is today (and vice versa), otherwise you might be setting yourself up for more heartache in the future. Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress!

Excellent point. Keep in mind you don't really know anything about Jason as a partner or BF. Whatever you think you know is based on outdated information and a couple of brief interactions. There are a lot of gaps in your knowledge about this guy. And in situations like this people tend to fill gaps in knowledge with their own fantasies. What you think you know about this guy is quite likely nothing like the reality of him. Same for his thoughts about you, whatever they are.

So, invite him to lunch or coffee, make your point and then back way off. No hanging around as 'friends', no long phone calls or cute emails. Whatever happens you'll still have your self-respect.