Advice with Ex

[Wedge]

I jneed some advise on getting back with my ex but before you post, please read the wall of text below.

Me and my girlfriend broke up at the beginning of July. This hit me like a ton of bricks, I had stayed over that night and next morning as she was waiting for her bus, she said that she wanted to break up. Obviously I did not but we did anyway.

I decided there was no point in being an asshole about everything. I hoped that it would just be a temporary break. We continued to talk and went for a few lunches. She then asked me if I would like to go to the cinema with her, I said yes, hoping that she was going to ask to get back together. But alas, no.

Now we have continued to be frendly even now but as of last week she has decided to start "dating" another guy. Now say dating because, at her own addmission, it all seems a little hollow. To understand what I mean, I need to explain a little back story.

My ex has a "dark side" to her, she thinks about suicide occasionaly, she tried it once a few years ago and she has scars all up her wrist. I was however under the impresion that she had it, for the most part, under control. I knew she still had a few of those thought and i thoughts, as a generally happy person, that I was helping. Her shrink agreed and believed that I was good for her.

Now Me and my ex began dating around February and all was hunky dorry until a friend of hers broke up with his GF. A couple of days later he decided to tell her how much he loved her and that if she didn't date him, he would kill himself. Literally the night before, I told her I loved her and she said it to me. She managed to calm the situation and all seemed fine. Her friend hated me but I wasn't too bothered.

So we continued to date and eventually me and her friend buried the hatchet and began talking. All seemed to be getting better and better until she dumped me. I was upset but I kept it under control and as I said previously, I hoped we would get together again and that it was just a time apart kind of breakup.

Last week she got together with this friend of hers. All the feelings that I had kept under control came out and I was left with next to no hope of getting back with her and it breaks my heart. We had a talk about this and she said the following things:

i cant help wishing that i was happy enough to be properly comfortable in my own skin with you
genuinly i want that
and you think me and NAME REMOVED are happy
we both wish we were dead
do you have any idea of the problems that causes?
yeah. we care about each other
i can tell already that it's not always gonna seem worth it
putting up with that kind of mixed up painful emotion just to know you can be yourself with someone
especially when, even though they understand, it hurts that someone
i mean
i'm wondering how selfish it is to be with him and feel understood even though the thing he understands hurts him

She also said:

but i'm mostly only in a relationship with him, as opposed to being just friends, because of the novelty of feeling a little more at ease than i do with most people
i dont have to be embarrassed or feel pressured to make myself better for him
or to make myself happier for him
oh god
you and me were a great pair!

I then asked her if we had a chance to get back together which she replied with:

idk
cant say i dont think about it
maybe if i fix myself
but thats gonna be a while
i dont even know where to start

I REALLY want some advice here, do I have a chance, I miss her soooooo much and would really appreciate some advice from anyone who's been through something like this before.

I know she sound a crazy, but she is one of the nicest people I've ever met and I am so in love with her, I can't get her out of my head and I feel like crying everytime I think of her without me.

Thank you.

[Andariel]

You didn't say why she broke up with you but from the rest of your post I gather that a)she may have had feelings for that friend of hers all along and after he broke up they bonded even further and things took off from there and b) she realises she has a problem and she doesn't feel comfortabe enough around you (ie. although she feels down she tries to put on a happy face to keep you happy etc).

How have you felt during the relationship? Did you usually feel worried about her? Did you work too hard to keep her happy? It kind of sounds like your relationship had a parent (you)-child (her) dynamic,

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in someone, we end up giving them too much of ourselves and trying too hard but we don't get that much in return. If you were doing all the hard work to please her and you weren't getting much back then I think that you really put yourself in a tough spot there. Sometimes it is best to walk away despite our feelings so that we can keep our sanity in the longrun and not find ourselves mentally and emotionally exhausted a few years down the line.

She seems happier with the other guy-she mentioned she feels like she can be herself around him. They both have their issues so they have found common ground.

You sound like a compassionate and caring person. Why not accept this is just too hard and emotionally draining and you need to look after yourself for a change? In order to do that you need to move on and find a lady who is ready for a healthy relationship.

[Wedge]

Good questions. Sorry, my post was a bit unorganised.

She broke up with me because she said she wasn't ready to be in a "Proper relationship" and that she felt guilty being with me even after I told her to be completely herself.

I don't think she ever had feeling for him, we discussed it and she was ademant that they were just friends and I didn't get any vibes or anything on any nights out and such, they literaly bonded this last weekend at Reading festival and from the way she talks (we had lunch today) it sounds more like she's with him just cos he's got the same depresing and dark thoughts as her.

I also did ask her if I was at all to do with it: The question was asking if she felt she had to TRY and be happier for me:

yes
i did
it's not you
honestly!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't try to smother her or do anything. I justwas myself and it seemed to work for 4 months but then boom.

[Andariel]

I don't think you tried to smother her either. You were yourself and quite rightly so. She, however, clearly felt that she could not be herself around you. This is not your fault, it has to do with her and so it is not something you can fix.

If I was in her shoes, I would rather be on my own for a while and work through my issues. She has inner demons and she needs to find a solution to her problems. She needs to focus on herself and whilst she is feeling this way it is normal not to be able to be very giving and that is why she said she can't be in a proper relationship. I am sure she also felt guilty about not being able to be a 'better' girlfriend for you especially as you were trying so hard to be there for her. This probably made her feel even worse.

She has found some common ground with the other guy and they try to support each other whilst keeping things relatively casual from what I gather. She doesn't feel guilty with him and doesn't need to fake happiness. It's not going to work out as they both have serious issues and they probably will end up feeding each other's misery.

You, however, need to put some distance between yourself and her so that you can gain a little perspective on the whole situation. I do believe that in the long run you will be better off being with someone who is in a more healthy state of mind.

[Wedge]

I know, but I can't help that I really love her and from the talks we've had, it's mutual. She just seems to need time. I'm just wondering if you all think it could be possible in a few months (probably longer) for us to be back together.

I really don't think it's a good idea for her to be with at all. he tried to emotionaly Blackmail her whilst we were dating by saying he was going to kill himself if she didn't date him! And she doesn't need a new source of misery such as him!

I know, but it's hard. I'm still trying to be there for her and I don't want her out of my life, even if thatmeans "just friends". I just really want to know if there's a chance for the future.

[Wedge]

Also, you seem to be a very wise person so shall ask this.

Do you have any tips for dealing with breakups? I've never had a girlfriend I have actually felt that I love. And this feeling I've got at the moment is killing me. And I can't stop thinking about the two of them together and it breaks my heart.

[Wedge]

Oh and putting distance between us is near impossible, I have to travel on an hour long bus ever night and evening with her and we tend to talk alot so, not much chance of that.

[Andariel]

I don't see myself as wise(!) but I have seen these types of relationships before and know that they can be really draining. You said 'she doesn't need a new source of misery such as him'-you see here how you are still thinking as a 'parent'? This is not what your role is though, nor should it be. Of course if our significant other is going through a tough time we will be there for them to provide love and support but there is a huge difference between being supportive and with restructuring and focusing our lives on trying to make them happy when we don't get much in return. This is soul-draining.

I think that your ex is right in letting you go (at least for now). I honestly cannot tell you if there is a chance you will be back together. At least I would have hoped that before both of you can even consider this she would need to first address her issues and you also need to reflect on why you are attracted to someone that you feel that, in a sense, you need to fix.

It is normal to be feeling really down in the dumps right now and you will also eventually start experiencing anger as well as well as lots of other emotions and you will be feeling very confused. You cannot heal unless you accept it is over. For now at least, you have to accept that for all the reasons mentioned in this post, you need to spend time apart. If you don't find a way to put distance between you, it is going to be impossible to start structuring your life based on your new situation-that is being single because this is what you are right now. You have to find a way to do this.

Also, try talking to your friends/family and avoid keeping things bottled up.Let other people support YOU for a change.It will feel good!

Try to keep as busy as possible: volunteer, get a new hobby, get a pet if you like animals, go to the gym(exercise is really helpful because, among other things ,it helps the body produce endorphins which are what actually makes us feel good!), go out as much as possible, read books on codependency which I think you will find very helpful.

Try to enjoy being on your own. Focus all your energy on yourself instead of someone else for a change. You might be surprised by how good it will feel!

[Wedge]

Well thank you for all of the advice there but I REALLLY diagree with you saying it was a Parent/Child thing going on. Not once have I told her these things and whilst we were dating I never once tried to control or tell her what to do. I'm simply stating my opinion.

But yeah, I've gone through a hell of a lot of emotions when I was dumped in July but they all cam flooding back out when she got with him.

Thank you for the advice though, I think it will be really helpful over the next few weeks. I appreciate it.

[Andariel]

No problem. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.