Confused

[munky2012]

Hi all ,

My name is Gareth, I've just joined you all today , hoping that I can un-confuse myself for the best.


Sorry for the long read

I've been with my fiancée(Helen) for almost 6 years in Jan 2012 , we have gone through 3 miscarriage, & then I went through a major knee op which took me out of work for just under a year in 2010.

Since my knee operation I still have trouble squatting/kneeling so my work performance isn’t as good as it used to be (I work in retail) & also big changes with hours at work has left me not allowing to see Helen that often (about 24hrs a week) & she works as a cook at a nursing home & has been diagnosed with stress 2 weeks ago. This atm has seem to have passed , but her work boss is an idiot.

We both currently live with her parents (parents house) I moved in around 2yrs ago. Her parents are very friendly and inviting. & they don't charge me rent either. The reason being is that we are planning on getting married in may next year.


The only issue they have is my spending on items as I enjoy playing the computer/ xbox / & doing photography. As this stands atm is my only method of doing something for myself that I enjoy doing. But what they don't see is half of my wages going in to my savings account each month & then I have to pay for my car (yearly for tax/insurance/service) Then around £100 every 2 weeks on petrol.


We are off work together this week and ofc the weather hasn't been that great (Rain/Windy)

We went to see lee evans on monday which was very good and recommended.
Tuesday we didnt do much as it was raining all day , so made some cup cakes together and watched House on dvd.
Wednesday un expected my father came down from wales so we went to see him. He comes down every 6 months

^ Helen can't really stand my father as he is extremely selfish and is always on the go.
& then Helen says oh now he's down we wont do anything together.

I keep asking her where she wants to go/do etc but she has no idea and either do I im quite happy to do nothing. Stay in watch DVD's etc. N when I do give her ideas she says no we have been their etc.


The past year i find myself doubting about the relationship with Helen. We hardly have anything in common apart from dvd's and some xbox games. She doesn't have many friends or hobbies. Either do i apart from my photography. Sexual side has faded a lot since miscarriages and my knee.

[Kyrina]

So set up a sheet tent in your bedroom sounds childish but here me out,
Do a picinic set it up in the tent, get her ready, eyes closed and lead her there,make the food finger food something you enjoy feeding each other, still seeming childish well it depends on you the weather is crap, you have had a load of stuff to go through, when was the last time you shut the world out and just had fun and a laugh.
Just because we are adults doesnt mean the fun things have to be adult orientated all the time.
Get her close her eyes as you feed her gently stroke a strawberry against her neck dont squash it and feed her so she takes small bites, lean in and gently lick the juice from her lips.I hope your getting the idea, dont let her help prepare anything say its a suprise etc if she is lolling around the house the whole day its depressing and your mind goes back to sad times.I hope you try this it sounds out there but doing it right brings smiles laugh's even cuddles a laugh is often all you need to chase the worries away for a short time.
If she asks why you did this tell you wanted the world to go away and for her to remember how important she is to you.
Doing this with your dad there is also a great indicator of her being important special to you

[Andariel]

Hi Gareth,

I appreciate you are trying to save to buy a house of your own but my view is that any couple living with either partner's parents will always start having problems, especially in the bedroom. The truth is you (as the guest) can never feel comfortable enough in their house and she (as the daugter) can never feel 100% comfortable to be having sex in her parents' house. This will negatively affect your sex life as you'll both be more self-conscious in the bedroom. Living with the parents also in a sense makes them feel that they are allowed to have an opinion about things both of you do or don't do and eventually they will start interfering in your relationship and trust me that is always bad.

I would recommend you guys start looking for a flat and live there until you are able to afford your own place. Living with the parents will only damage your reltionship in the longrun.

I don't know which city you are living in but I am guessing there must be a Time Out magazine (or similar) you could buy to find out what's going on and then plan activities together. You can try lots of things, some of them are for free (like going to a park or a museum). You could try going cycling over the weekend, go to the zoo (if there is one near by), try horse-riding, tennis etc. It is important to plan these activities in advance because if she is feeling tired and you suggest something to her right there and then chances are she will say no. So for instance, instead of waking up on a Saturday and asking her what she wants to do, ask her on Friday evening instead. I would also suggest that you take the intiative (as this will take the pressure of her) and say 'I heard about this (insert activity/place) here and I was thinking it would be fun to give it a try tomorrow. Would you like that?'.

You could do fun stuff indoors as well: you can play cards, or buy board games or buy an x-box game together that she will also enjoy (how about Final Fintasy?It's the sort of game that could appeal to girls as well.Personally, I love it!).If you had your own place, you could have friends over for dinner and that's a really fun way to spend an evening every now and then or you could even suggest to go to a friend's place.

[munky2012]

Thanks Kyrina & Andariel,

I live in the UK , and nowhere near a city (we live in a town) And atm are saving for a wedding&honeymoon so renting/buying a flat is out of the question at this given time.

As for sex at parents house , its not stopped us for the past 4+ years lol but yeah its awkward now and again.

I've asked her about going to castles or observatory but she just says nope. £12+ each & then petrol money on top etc.

As for physical activity its very very awkward for my to do so due to my knee. Cycling ive thought of but then im not allowed to buy a bike :/ and she wont buy one either.

We both work odd hours.

She does 8am - 2pm - Monday to Sunday with random 1 day off whenever

i do Tuesday to Saturday

1pm - 9pm Tues to Thurs

Fri-sat 10am-7pm

[bulrush]

The past year i find myself doubting about the relationship with Helen. We hardly have anything in common apart from dvd's and some xbox games.

What attracted you to her in the first place?
Do you even want to work things out?
Even if the passion is not there now, do you still "like" each other? I mean, can you stand being around each other? Do you both add something to each others' lives besides chasing away lonliness?

Even though I may be in a "routine" or "rut" with my gf (in general), I still know in my head that she is the best person for me. Not because I don't want to be alone (I am fine being alone) but because she adds something good to my life, even when life gets boring.

[munky2012]

I've always fallen in to relationships ive never gone out and explored as such.

What attracted you to her in the first place?

Helen was in my life even before i got with her , she was a friends GF whom them both split up and i was their for her. Since then things fell in place and we grew

Do you even want to work things out?

I do want to work things out , but then will they become any better after we are married? I don't know. We will still be living with her parents even after the wedding.


I keep asking myself is the grass any greener on the other side etc. Is she the right person for me etc

[munky2012]

This may sound odd but is their a pros and cons list which i can then pick what i feel etc, atm i can't think of any.