A player?

[rjwardlow]

Ladies:

I'm new and sincerely want your help. Am I a player? I've been described by two women that way within the last year, yet don't think of myself that way at all!

To me, a player is a guy that's primarily motivated by sex, and looks to have multiple or numerous partners. He does this by pretending that he's in love or seriously interested in an exclusive relationship with a woman, and does so with multiple women at once, while hiding his interest (or even entire relationships) with the others. He may tell each that they're the only one for him, all the while intentionally misleading them to get his jollies.

This is NOT what I'm seeking. What I want is a solid, committed relationship with one special woman. Granted, I'm, well, horny and want to have alot of sex -- but JUST with her. I have no desire in adding notches to my bedpost and see sex as an act of sharing, not as a conquest or some kind of sign of success. When taking an interest in a woman, it is legitimate, and is in no way falsified or intended to mislead. And, having alot of my own inner pain -- the last thing I want to do is inflict the same on another.

So, I ask: WHAT is a player? Am I one somehow?

Will provide background if needed. Thanks!

[Wakeup]

That is your definition of a player. Just because you didn't act the way you think players act, it doesn't mean you are'nt one.

Players don't need to lie for one thing. How you treated the women that called you a player is important knowing in order to give an opinion on whether or not you are one.

I don't think every player plays the same. If they did then more women would suss one out before she went to bed with him rather than after.

[rjwardlow]

Well I don't WANT to be. One has to know what they're doing wrong though in order to stop.

Any other definitions?

[Wakeup]

What behavior/actions took place with the two woman that thought you were a player. I think if you describe those behaviours it will pin-point whether or not you are one.

What's more important to you what we think a player is or whether or not we agree with the two ladies?

[rjwardlow]

Guess what it comes down to is, do women expect men to have NO female relationships (other than family) while dating or seeing them?

Perhaps I'm TOO interested in a relationship... while pondering how to reply, just realized I *am* a player and what makes me one: though no harm, slighting, or abuse is intended, I like to keep my foot in multiple doors at once, so to speak. To have multiple potential partners so that if one doesn't work, there's another to replace her. To increase my chances of a successful "hit" by having multiple targets in play.

Kinda thought that I wasn't since it wasn't about sex, I don't believe in intimacy with more than one at a time, and am firmly monogamous and dedicated to a partner once a relationship is established. The problem is in even TRYING with more than one at a time though, right?

These were over a year apart, btw. Didn't even meet the second until a month ago.

What gets me though is that both women were doing the same thing themselves. One was continuing to maintain a close relationship with an old boyfriend, and the other (a mutually agreed to NSA fling with a divorcee) maintained another NSA fling at the same time. Though both somehow felt I was the bad guy while their relationships were perfectly acceptable.

Guess it's easier for both men and women to see each others' faults than our own.

Comments? Philosophies? Ideas? Everyone be honest please.

[Wakeup]

Well if both women were having multiple relationships on the side (as you were) then that couldn't possibly be the reason why they thought you were a player.

I don't think there is anything wrong with multiple dating but if you keep multiply dating indefinately with the same women then it could very well be perceived as you just playing them. After a certain amount of time surely you should know who is and who is not going to work for you and you'd discard the one's that didn't fit. No? I don't know of too many woman that would caually date indifnately. Sooner or later they're going to want to move in or move on..

[IndiReloaded]

I think of a player as what we used to call a cad: a guy who lies to women and misrepresents himself to them in order to get sex. Once he gets sex he drops them.

There's a longer term variant of this, tho. What I call a serial monogamist. This is a guy who jumps from one relationship to the next in order to have a steady source of sex. These guys will bail once a commitment (marriage, children) is being pushed for by the woman. These guys have GFs for 1-2 years, or keep them at distance w/LTRs.

[rjwardlow]

Not me in either case -- but thanks for the input.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, don't worry about it then. Better to be concerned with being what you want to be, rather than what you are not.

[PainfulLonging]

No, you're not a player based on this definition.

[bloodtippedrose]

If its not motivated by sex I wouldn't say you're a player.
..But I would also be very sad if I was dating a guy that had other potential gfs lined up. My bf has a good friend that is female. And thats okay with me. But if he saw her as sexy or a potential gf, we'd have a problem and if he had many of those then I would not think of him as long-term material. Girls want a guy with eyes only on them. If you're in love with someone there shouldnt be a need for a few "just-in-case" girls on the side. It shows the girlfriend that losing her is no big deal.
Ill never understand why people do this unless theyre very insecure, Id just wait till I was single to find potentials.