My love life as it stands

[LostinTranslati]

Before I begin going into the different parts of what has happened to me in my love life, I want to preface stating that if you have convictions about escorts/please do not leave posts which would be hateful or spiteful, I really am genuinely looking for insight, not to help feel enabled.

I was in love with several girlfriends, most spanning at least two years or one year time spans. In contrast I have had encounters and relationships with escorts and sex workers as well.

In each relationship the one factor that caused a lot of issue/jealousy was money. It always was a force in the relationship that either made them feel inferior to the 'cause' of our love since they could never put their fair share in with what we had together or made them feel entitled to my kindness and giving nature and a person to be taken advantage of. In total I had spent roughly 120k on these women when it came to dates, rent, food, and entertainment. With it was also heartbreak, spirit shattering events (like one trying to kill herself in front of me for example) that really was totally unnecessary and would leave any man running for the hills to find a better solution to loneliness.

After that last incident I completely gave up on the traditional relationship and placed me into a depression that required hospitalization eventually to come back to living again (wasn't eating, isolating heavily, got really scary really fast). At that point I figured if its going to cost this much time, effort, heartache and money on my part, let me just go pay a girl to be a girlfriend. I mean it costs roughly the same as it would to take a girl out on a date. This really made things an internal struggle when I was able to have a wonderful time with a girl that had no front, no jealousy and came at a lower price that I would have worked for with a stable bonded relationship without costing me my sanity and life.

What bothers me at this point is that in either case, you pay for the company of the opposite sex, be it your mental state of mind or your pocket book. The sex really isn't a driving force at all in my world, its being with someone for them and you in the present without bullshit suspicions or empty promises. It really feels awkward now when I do genuinely have a girl who is interested in being with me because I just flash back to all the pain that lead me to the brink of suicide and self-destruction. People might say by having relationships with escorts is also self-destructive but to be honest from my point of view, beats the living hell out of the suffering involved with a traditional relationship that can lead to suicide.

Maybe if I had kids with anyone of my past girlfriends I would feel indifferent about all of this, but really it comes down to being a used wad of cash rather than something that can make me feel alive, in love, and hopeful again. Really how am I supposed to come back to maybe considering someone for a wife. Keep in mind this is just a personal experience, not meant to be taken as an anecdote or reinforcement for any behavior on my part. Would love some insight on how to move on from this point in my life into something more meaningful, how to care for another person that can make both of us benefit without the complication that financial security can bring to the table. I am at least blessed to have skills that pay the bills. For the record, my proclivity of being with escorts has cost me only 30k in cash for the same amount of time span as my previous "real" relationships.

I don't really like where I am but it is millions better than where I was. Each time I ask about this from friends they always say "Puts my problems into perspective" and leaves me to deal with the situation. Help from anyone at this point is well received and appreciated by this lone wolf.

- Thomas

[fella]

it sounds like you have a taste for ladies with expensive taste. maybe that's not the case but could you find yourself interested in someone into 'cheaper' thrills? the outdoors, quieter more intellectual pursuits...? do you feel capable of having a relationship that doesn't cost you as much so as to mitigate it as a factor. if so... try and find new communities in those areas... or maybe just try new, maybe weird to you, free fun. can you take an escort camping etc.? does it work like that? i imagine you found your 'real' relationships starting by your own generosity, which you can't be faulted for, but if you could start more evenly perhaps you;d find yourself in different situations?

[ballerina22]

Hey "Lone Wolf"
Tip: Maybe you should stop spending so much money on these girls. If you don't want money to play apart in your relationships, don't allow it in. Yes, if you spend lots of money on a woman (or a friend, or a family member, or a co-worker or anyone for that matter) they will take advantage of that and sooner or later they will feel entitled to a lifestyle that's not conducive to a healthy relationship. Have you heard the old saying? "There are no victims only volunteers", ya, this applies to your situation. As far as the "internal conflict" goes about having fun with this girl for little money, I believe, speaks volumes. Why was there a conflict? Why can't you have fun with a girl for little to no money? Is she not enough, just as she is? Are you not enough, just as you are?

Again, If you don't want money to play apart in your relationships, don't allow it in. You deserve better!! I loved my ex with my whole heart and he didn't make much money at all! We ate at cheap restaurants and went to the drive-in movies every weekend to save money and I was so very happy!! Love has nothing to do with money so don't bring it into your relationships. Your salary isn't who you are, it's only a very small part. By the way, how is it even possible that a date cost the same as an escort? Dinner $60, walk in the park FREE, there ya go, That's a date!

And by the way, no woman is EVER worth taking your own life for. There is someone out there who will love you if you're rich, poor, sick, healthy, fat, skinny, whatever. You just need to look in the right places (hint: you will not find it in an escorts panties). haha
I hope you'll find someone who can take care of you, not with her pocket but with her heart. Love liberates.

[LostinTranslati]

it sounds like you have a taste for ladies with expensive taste. maybe that's not the case but could you find yourself interested in someone into 'cheaper' thrills? the outdoors, quieter more intellectual pursuits...? do you feel capable of having a relationship that doesn't cost you as much so as to mitigate it as a factor. if so... try and find new communities in those areas... or maybe just try new, maybe weird to you, free fun. can you take an escort camping etc.? does it work like that? i imagine you found your 'real' relationships starting by your own generosity, which you can't be faulted for, but if you could start more evenly perhaps you;d find yourself in different situations?

The free fun thing is something I do love to do, cost of camping though, food etc for two can be 35-40 bucks these days, then you have entrance fees and maybe if you want to take a shower thats another 12, see what I mean? I agree it does mitigate the overall cost, in general though from what the woman I'm with starts to see is, well that got comped and now I don't need to help with it I guess, later turns into, this is great, I get treated like a lady and I feel entitled to that; good times for me. Then I bring it up and she flips her lid. Pursuits of any kind still cost and still plant the seed. On the bright side I am dating a woman who has her own money and does see things differently, but good god the first one in my 26 years of dating, that says something.

Hey "Lone Wolf"
Tip: Maybe you should stop spending so much money on these girls. If you don't want money to play apart in your relationships, don't allow it in. Yes, if you spend lots of money on a woman (or a friend, or a family member, or a co-worker or anyone for that matter) they will take advantage of that and sooner or later they will feel entitled to a lifestyle that's not conducive to a healthy relationship. Have you heard the old saying? "There are no victims only volunteers", ya, this applies to your situation. As far as the "internal conflict" goes about having fun with this girl for little money, I believe, speaks volumes. Why was there a conflict? Why can't you have fun with a girl for little to no money? Is she not enough, just as she is? Are you not enough, just as you are?

Again, If you don't want money to play apart in your relationships, don't allow it in. You deserve better!! I loved my ex with my whole heart and he didn't make much money at all! We ate at cheap restaurants and went to the drive-in movies every weekend to save money and I was so very happy!! Love has nothing to do with money so don't bring it into your relationships. Your salary isn't who you are, it's only a very small part. By the way, how is it even possible that a date cost the same as an escort? Dinner $60, walk in the park FREE, there ya go, That's a date!

And by the way, no woman is EVER worth taking your own life for. There is someone out there who will love you if you're rich, poor, sick, healthy, fat, skinny, whatever. You just need to look in the right places (hint: you will not find it in an escorts panties). haha
I hope you'll find someone who can take care of you, not with her pocket but with her heart. Love liberates.

I appreciate your sentiment and for the most part I do agree, especially with the taking your life part. But it wasn't because of her, it was seeing someone else you cared for regardless of who it was try to kill themselves in front of me because of something I said. Imagine seeing your parent do it because of you, the guilt that is associated with that is not fun at all... just wanted to make that clear.

However, I'd like to review the consequences of not "volunteering": being called a cheapskate, making things awkward and nothing happens between us (which in hindsight might have been the better option, **** Shakespeare in this day and age; the quote should be "Better to have paid and lost then never to have paid at all"). She can be her and I can be me, but to do anything in reality, does cost something as poopy as it is (be it the gas that takes you places even). From that begins the downward spiral of feeling enabled then entitled which not all women do (my cousins are happily married), just have to find a girl with her shit together (makes her own, etc.). One time a friend of mine and I were out picking a girl at a brothel and the conversation went like this

"Man I pay my child-support to my baby mama, 400 bucks a month and non of it goes to the kid just to her, if you ever want to get serious with a girl, look for someone cute with her shit together and a job rather than settle for really hot and a money pit" which is followed by "I guess if you are gonna pay might as well play". In a way it's like taking a vacation when it comes to escorts, and you really don't want it to end, which can be seen as a problem lol. Feel me?

[ballerina22]

"Man I pay my child-support to my baby mama, 400 bucks a month and non of it goes to the kid just to her, if you ever want to get serious with a girl, look for someone cute with her shit together and a job rather than settle for really hot and a money pit" which is followed by "I guess if you are gonna pay might as well play". In a way it's like taking a vacation when it comes to escorts, and you really don't want it to end, which can be seen as a problem lol. Feel me?

I guess I feel you, it does seem like it could be a problem. It can become an addiction if you're not careful. I'm glad you found someone that you connect to in a real way. Maybe you were just dating the wrong women because to be honest I really don't know anyone who gives money that much power, either that or you have some serious shit to work through. It sounds like you may have a bit of a chip on your sholder, which is understandable, but you need to check to make sure you're not looking at the world in a negative way. I obviously don't know you but by the way you talk about women is seem like you view them more as a necessary evil rather than a beautiful accessory to your life. And why do you need a money pit if you make your own money? I get the impression you have a skewed view of reality. Have you ever heard how women who were abused tend to attract more abusers? Well, it applies to make areas of your life. You say you want to find the right person but does your behavior and attitude refect that of a man who is ready to be in a committed relationship? It seems that you may have some things to sort out first. That's just my opinion, of course.