What did she wait so long to tell me, and what do I do now?

[JTL5000]

So met this girl last May. College had just ended so I came home to stay at my fathers for the summer. He had just rented the apartment behind our house to this new guy and we became friends. We started going to this local diner in the mornings for coffee and thats where I met her. She was a waitress cute, funny, personable. I was hooked, so I finally asked her for #. We started texting each other a lot. She tells me thats she's not really interested in dating anyone right now and I was fine with that at the time. Some more time goes one hanging out talking everyday just being friends. Well then things intensified or at least they did for me. She asked me to stay over one night and we wound up cuddling on the couch. So more time goes on and she flirts with me a lot tells me Im the perfect guy makes a lot of sexual references. Well one night she tells me she had a fight with her best friend and want me to come over. So I did and I held her all night we spent the next 4 days together not one second out of each others sight. Finally a couple days ago she tells me that her best friend is actually her girlfriend and that she never intended to hurt me. She told me she really liked me but she was in a relationship. I just dont understand one she wouldn't have told me sooner I think I'm a pretty nice guy and I wouldn't have judged her in anyway. Now I just dont know what to do I cant just be her friend but I cant take being without her.

Any advice/comments/personal experiences will be most appreciated, thanks for listening

[Leona77]

are you saying she is a lesbian? I am not sure I understand this. Because if she is, that is your answer- no matter how nice a guy you are, she just prefers women!!! I also don't like the way she led you to believe you had a chance when all she needed was a shoulder to cry on!!! Will you really miss THAT so much? She doesn't sond like a nice person you believe her to be, according to what you wrote...

[JTL5000]

Well she told me that this is the first girl thats shes ever been with and that if they ever broke up she would not want to date other women so I really dont know what that means. As far as missing her I really do shes amazing. I want to belive she had some good reason for waiting so long to tell me and she said she never ment to hurt me so I dont really no what to think I'm just heartbroken I guess.

[Wakeup]

Your thread title is incorrect. She did not wait so long to tell you... she told you immediately that she did not want a relationship which you ignored and let yourself become vulnerable to her and thus made you feel like you have feelings for her. You can't ignore statelments like: "I don't want a relationship" and then expect one from that person. No person who would like to have a relationship with you would tell you that. EVER!

Stay away from her until your feelings change to indifference and then perhaps you'll be able to maintain a platonic friendship with her. (I think you won't even want to be her friend once you accept that you're not going to be having any sex with her) Don't cuddle on a couch with a girl that tells you I don't want a relationship either... You're just being her stuffed live teddy bear and her male-girlffriend when you do sappy shit like that with a PLATONIC friend who doesn't want a relationship with you.

Learn from this so it doesn't happen to you again.

[Vanity]

Your thread title is incorrect. She did not wait so long to tell you... she told you immediately that she did not want a relationship which you ignored

She was not completely honest though either, if she had said she was in a relationship instead of saying she is not interested in dating I'm sure OP would have backed off fast.

[JTL5000]

yea Vanity I would have backed off a hundred percent if she had told me she was in a relationship. From a male stand point I think even if a girl says she's not interested in dating and she never tells me she's with someone else. If I really like someone I'm going to pursue her. How many times do friends turn into partners, a lot!! so after showing me what I thought was anti-platonic affection she told me about the other girl.

[Wakeup]

it doesn't matter. You've missed the point thanks to Vanity's excuse she/he? gives you. When someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you take that as enough information for you not to let yourself get anymore involved with them PARTICULARILY if you are wanting something with them should you stay clear. It doesn't matter whether they are in a relationship or not... THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. That is the point, because they didn't disclose to you has nothing to do with ignoring the words "I don't want a relationship."

How many times do friends turn into partners, a lot!!

... Puleeeeze. Just take a look in these and other forums. It will tell you how many times friends DO NOT turn into romantic relationships. Even if friends turn into romantic partners, rarely (if ever) has one or the other said to the friend "I don't want a relationship" which basical means WITH 'YOU'... there are thousands of posts from sad and disillusioned men and woman like you who didn't listen to those words "I don't want a relationship."

You would do well to google "The Ladder Theory" and read up about being placed on the "friends ladder."

[JTL5000]

I really dont think her saying she didn't want to date anybody was a personal attack on me I know she likes me as more than a friend because she's told me she does even with her girlfriend and as far as this ladder crap yea I read up on it really really stupid stuff women wanting guys with money for the most part I understand that but im loaded so that really doesn't affect me an as far as everything else it said just makes women sound like shit haha I dont believe thats the way the real world works and if it is I guess Im better off celibate haha seriously though

[Wakeup]

^^ Whatever.. However: What? Woman wanting guys for their money? No! That's not what it's about AT ALL. Try taking a look at this site if you're interested in learning not to make the same mistake again. Otherwise.. *shrugs* [url=http://www.laddertheory.com/]The Ladder Theory[/url]

if it's easier for you to be celibate than celibate away because it's no skin off anyone's nose but your own.

[JTL5000]

Hey I dont know if you remember aswering my post its has been almost a year. I was wondering if you could give me some advice because last time though tough lol you were very helpful. Since my last post this same girl and I became quite distant for about 6 months or so and then in about March we began hanging out again. I was fine with us being friends at that point and had become pretty comfortable with being single since my social life has sort of picked up. Anyway last week was her birthday and she asked me to hangout with her and that night after a few drinks she made a move on me and we wound up having sex. Since then it doesn't really feel like much has changed since before we did. Could you please give me your opinion on my situation?

[IndiReloaded]

A lot of women do look for money from men. Sorry, but the term 'golddigger' wasn't made up for no reason. Of course, there are many men out there doing the same thing these days.

[Wakeup]

^^^ I don't think this was about "golddigging" The Op apparently read The Ladder Theory and misunderstood that it was about women going after men's money?????


Well Op: at least you've progressed the relationship and not just being her cuddle bunny now. Proceed with things if that's what you want. I'd ask her to be sexually exclusive with you (unless of course you don't want exclusivity for yourself either and don't mind sharing) because she sounds like she won't be unless you define it straight out. Has she broken up with the girl she was with or are you now the other guy while she's still in her lesbian relationship? If she's still with the chick, well then no wonder you're confused.

Oye vey!

[IndiReloaded]

Instead of Ladder Theory, he should be reading Monkey Theory. That sounds more applicable.

[dshfj457]

agree