Completely confused and want your opinions.

[daffodil11]

Hi there,

I don't normally post on forums so I'm pretty new to this. But I know from experience of helping other people in my life, problems seem so much more clearer and black and white to outsiders than to yourself. I think your advice is what I need.

I'm completely confused as to what to do and my brain is so muddled I can't think straight to make the right choice...

I met my partner 3 years ago... he became my best friend in every way. He's loving, loyal, trustworthy, knows what i'm thinking, take me out all the time, makes me laugh. Something I'd never had with anyone else before. A really good friend.

Our relationship though was never perfect so I'm not going to paint that picture. On the other hand, we're not compatible in some sense... We could argue for britain over the simplist of things. And to add to those arguements he was extrememly firery and would shout the house down and would ignore me for days, and I on the other hand am just so sensitive, and would cry and make the arguements worse because of that. The arguements would be over a tin of tuna or milk or something rediculous, or money. Rarely something worth argueing about. They'd happen about once or twice a month. We'd make up and the love and affection would return. But we always said if we don't learn it would turn the milk sour and I think for me in the last 4-5 months it did just that. Even though I would never ever do anything, I have felt attracted to other people which I've always been like a horse with blinkers before and couldn't see past him.

I started to just not give a damn so much, found myself a little bit more distant and I think my feelings started to change a little. I stilll loved him, but i just wasn't so bothered. On the plus side due to the distancing the argueing stopped.... stupidly.

Just a year after we met he started putting on loads of weight. he worked from home and would just sit, eat and work to the point of putting on around 6 stone. It didn't matter to me, I still loved him and saw past it but when my feelings started to change I started to see it. His breathing was hard due to being so big and that would get to me if we sat on the sofa, I started to not fancy him, he'd wear the same old holey jogging bottoms day in day out and sit watching the tv with this hands down his pants. And his snoring started to drive me crazy as it started getting worse with the weight. It never bothered me before, but shamely and horribly i started to see it. And I feel so so horrible for it. I'm not a nasty person. And i'd sit and cry because what i was seeing wasn't what i wanted to. I felt turned off.

He tried to lose weight so many times and i'd always encourage him and always hoping 'this time'. but then i'd find stuffed packets of chocolate in the car and cakes etc. He's got a problem and i tried to approach it but he got cagey and another arguement occured.

I can't talk to him about the non-attraction i have. As terrible as it sounds, I just can't. I know he'll snap. Also maybe I'm a coward.

I've asked for a short break last week for time to myself to think. He knows we have problems but the reason i gave is due to our past arguing has tarnished the way I feel. Not about the attraction thing. I do miss him so much but I'm not sure if it's what we 'used' to have is what I'm confusing myself with. Ive been sat here on my own just thinking so much....

I think about all the fun we had, what a nice person he is, how much of a friend he is, and I do feel lonely right now... so lonely without him. I also love him, but I think more of the best friend he is. I don't know.

But then i try and imagine him back on the sofa, just led there asleep in the middle of the day, snoring his head off and I think, 'but i dont' want that either'.

Im just very confused about what it is that I'm actually missing, or what should I do, I've got so much guilt about what he must be thinking and how he feels, guilt about how i'm feeling about him when he doesn't deserve it, and its totally clouding my head and i can't think straight.

Sorry it was so long winded.... it just sort of came out.

Katy

[BackUpOrGetStng]

First off, he does deserve the way you feel about him, so you should have feel no guilt due to your emotions. What you should feel guilt for is telling him you need a break, when what you really want to do is break up with him. He's not the same person you fell in love with, period.

Break up with him, and be honest. Let him know everything, that the arguments in addition to him letting himself go have led you to not want to continue the relationship with him. Do it soon, as breaks are silly and it's not right to keep him confused and in limbo as to what's going to happen, only a bitch would do that...

[daffodil11]

You're right.

Since then I've split up with him yesterday and I've never felt so much pain in my life. I don't know what to do and I dont know if i can carry on feeling like this. Half of me is now missing and I've never felt so lonely in my life.

My problem started when I lost some attraction to him and suddenly the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. I started looking at other men, fancying them too. I started talking and become friends with another guy too - nothing happened, i just felt attracted. I've not cheated in any way whatsoever, I need to tell you that. But thinking things is bad enough for me. As my attentions were elsewhere suddenly some of the bad points about him which I loved so much became annoying. How much weight he'd put on, sleeping in the middle of the day, snoring, even his heavy breathing. My love for him didn't deminish, just my attraction. I was questioning my attraction to him because i was looking elsewhere and probably even talked myself into not fancying him. I never told him this.... it seems so insulting.

Anyway, I thought i was doing the right thing splitting up with him but I dont know. I'm so confused. I still love him so much. I feel completely torn and have cried non stop all day and all night. On the other hand if we did by chance reconcile, I dont want him the way he is.... and that's not fair on him. As a person, i can't fault him though, he's an amazing man, and amazing partner. I feel so shallow and horrid and evil. I'm not sure I can carry on without him either.

katy
xxx