Where am I going wrong, and where do I go from here....

[Azz]

Hi everyone. Just need some support and advice. I'll try and keep my story as short as poss! Back in 2005 I met who I thought was the girl of my dreams, we were together for 5 years and through that time our relationship got worse and worse, this was mostly my fault but not all. I just got into a position where I was very selfish, not loving, and our sex life was terrible. I'm talking about once a month if she was lucky. This, I admit, was my fault. In our time together I suffered bad from depression, and we had money worries etc. Plus there was issues between me and her family, she wasn't perfect either tho. Suffice to say, she got fed up of this and left me last year. It wasn't until after she left that I realised what I had lost and even now there is not a day go by without me thinking about her. I then spent some time on my own, and eventually got myself back onto some dating websites, and in November last year met who I thought was the girl for me. It all started great, I fancied the pants off her, sex was great, everything seemed right. She moved in in march this year as she was faced with having to move out of her shared house. And since then things have just gone downhill, and I feel I'm In a mirror image of my former relationship, there's no spark, no sex, no intimacy and I do feel most of it is my fault. I look at her and just don't fancy her or have that urge, and I'm always looking at other women. I'm no player tho and really all I want is happiness. Marriage and kids! I just don't know what to do. Is it me? Do I have a problem? Why do I always think the grass is greener? Or maybe it's a sign that things ain't right?! HELP ME!!!!

Azz

[girl68]

How old are you?

[Azz]

Hi! I'm 27

Azz

[girl68]

It's because you don't keep the effort up! You do realize romance, spark is all a 2 way street.

You need to want to make her to want you, and you need to make yourself want to be someone she wants. Sounds like you just get lazy.

[Azz]

Yeah I think u are right. But all I keep thinking is what if she ain't "the one" and that's why I get lazy, maybe when I find the right one I wouldn't be lazy, I'd be the opposite?

Azz

[girl68]

I think you have unrealistic expectations. You can't possibly think that the rest of your life is going to be rainbows and butterflies right? You seem to think that you will without fail think that your gf is THE most gorgeous person on the face of the earth every single living day of the rest of your life... not gonna happen.

You believe that no matter what happens in the rest of your life you will wake up with the sole purpose of wanting to woo the pants right off your girl? Yeah right.

Relationships require work, lots of it, conscious, hard work. Yes, it should be natural and not forced but there will be enough times that you'll have to think about doing something extra ordinary, something special- you have to know that these moments may not always come naturally you may have to tell yourself to get your lazy ass up and do something about it.

Do I always want to wear sexy lacy lingerie (that itches the bejesus out of me) to bed every night? God no, do I do it sometimes to entice him? Well of course. I do it because I care deeply about him enough to put my dis comfort away for a while to make it well known that I'm doing my part to keep it fun, exciting and him happy. Is it the first thing on my mind when I get home? Hell no. But I do it because it needs to be done. And I don't despise the act in anyway.

[Azz]

Thank you very much for your honest views, I appreciate it!

Azz

[bulrush]

If you don't work at it, your relationship will die out. That's true no matter how closely matched a couple is. You have to take ACTION to make things better. Find out what makes her feel loved (her "love language") and do it. Does she like surprise notes she can find around the house? Does she like surprise flowers and a card every other week? How about small gifts, like a box of her favorite food, or a tub of her favorite ice cream? Does she just like alone time with you where the two of you talk?

Ask her, and if she won't tell you, or gives you some lame excuse like "You should know me by now", dump her. It will never work with a bad communicator.

If you want more advice, give me specific circumstances where you messed up. Or where you think she did not make enough effort.