What is this? What should I do?

[Salakish]

Hey all, I'll just start out by saying that I'd prefer keep everything here anonymous besides relevant information. This may seem stupid, or pathetic to some of you but I just want to solve what this is. I've never had this feeling before, and I'm not sure if this is a crush, a strong feeling, love, or whatever else it could be.

I'm 15, and I recently met someone on YouTube who has hardly any subscribers, and they made a video about why killing yourself isn't the right answer, and shared her story of it. I couldn't help but sending her a message telling her about my story, and I hardly even felt worried, or ashamed to tell her like I normally would to other people. She replied, and said that she was greatful for me sharing my story, and that it was very touching. This is basically the only time we've chatted sofar, but when I got her message I was somehow comforted. I noticed that she was from the same Country, and also the same State. I've watched a couple of her videos atleast 20 times, she's nice, beatiful (not model type, but to me she's beautiful), caring for others, inspirational and lots more things. In my eyes, she's perfect.

Whenever I feel down, I watch one of her videos and feel cheered up. Whenever I'm not watching one of her videos, I feel empty and feel as if I have to go watch one again. She's inspired me, just by watching how much life, and how much kindness even though all she'd been through (as she said in her video I talked about) to begin getting my life back in order. I've been going to school more often, focusing harder on work, and finally started leaving all of the bad things that have happened in my life behind and begun moving on. I go on with my day, and keep focusing just by thinking about her, I honestly can't stop thinking about her. I don't just want her because she's beautiful or anything like that, I'm not the type of person that likes someone for only their body. I just want to get to know her, and talk to her.

I'm confused, I feel like it could be love, as theres all that talk about 'love at first sight', but then it could just be a crush. It also makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, because I've hardly even talked to her, and I've never even met her and I'm already having feelings like these. I have a crush before, but this is just so much stronger than a usual crush.

What should I do? How can I start talking to her? Should I tell her how I feel? Is this love, or just a crush? I don't know, but I need to solve this and get it off my chest. I can't stop thinking about her.

Thanks.

[devonbrown]

First, let me say that it is great that you are taking steps to be positive and do good things with your life. But there are a few things to think about here. And I do not mean any of these to be judgmental or negative, just things to think about -

- You probably don't love her. You don't know her at all. So you are attracted to her only. That is a crush.
- You are 15 years old, so almost all emotions are going to be confusing for the next few years. Just realize that as they hit you. It will help a lot.
- You watch her on YouTube. You are a fan of hers. The same way you would be a fan of someone on TV.
- You admire her philosophies and thoughts.

The combination of your crush, teenage emotional confusion, fandom, and admiration is causing you to question if this is something more than it is. You may wind up having MANY of these kind of thoughts about other people as the years go on. Just please understand them for what they are and keep from focusing on them. You don't want to become obsessed with the thought of things that aren't real. Look around you in day to day life at the people you see. I have a feeling that if you keep taking positive steps yourself, your entire world view will allow you to open up and discover lots of other potential romantic possibilities.

Good luck.

[bulrush]

I'm not sure if this is a crush, a strong feeling, love, or whatever else it could be.

I'm 15,

It's a crush. Here's why I think so.

You probably found someone that you have something in common with. Maybe a suicide attempt is what you have in common. Maybe you both want loving people in your lives. I don't know. But hormones are high at your age and they affect your emotions. Be careful not to let your emotions make big decisions for you. Things can turn out badly if you do.

That said, enjoy the crush if you want. I think you might eventually find you didn't have enough in common to have more of a relationship.

[smackie9]

You are just using her to fill in that empty void you have. What you are starting to do is slip into a fantasy to escape your loneliness. You need to divert your attention to doing real, and more positive things in your life instead of clinging onto her. Yes it's not healthy for you to be watching her videos over and over....it's becoming addictive. Maybe seek out a family member or a close trusted friend to talk to and spend sometime with. Social interaction is the first step to healing. From there you could join a club or a support group and meet more people......maybe do some charity or volunteer work. Sometimes giving your time to somebody else who needs it can be rewarding. Keep busy, keep positive, find new things to do. Even this site you can maybe offer some advice and be a part of this community.

[Salakish]

Thanks for the response, I agree with what you're saying, but I feel that this is something that could actually lead somewhere and I'd like to take the risks and chances and see where it goes.

- You probably don't love her. You don't know her at all. So you are attracted to her only. That is a crush.
- You are 15 years old, so almost all emotions are going to be confusing for the next few years. Just realize that as they hit you. It will help a lot.
- You watch her on YouTube. You are a fan of hers. The same way you would be a fan of someone on TV.
- You admire her philosophies and thoughts.

- I agree with this. I feel a bit stupid considering that it was love, but it's clearly just quite a big crush.
- I've thought about this, and I understand what you mean by it.
- With this one, I don't so much agree - she has a little under 20 Subscribers, and I watch her videos because her videos are vlogs, just things about her life and what's going on etc. But then again, I could be seeing this the wrong way, and you may be right.
- I admire everything about her, including the things you mentioned.

As I said though, I'd probably like to get to know her and see how it goes - even if it doesn't end up leading to a relationship, it'd still be out of the way. If I do decide to do this, do you have any ideas on how I can get to know her, and hopefully move from step to step to get to know her more.

Thanks again for your response.