Do I give her a second chance although she makes no effort?

[WalkOverMe]

Hello there,

About 2 months ago I posted my entire story here: loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/57149-girlfriend-has-crush-bisexual-guy-kissed-him-but-doesnt-regret.html#post738847

Please read the above story real quickly.


To sum up, in a few words. I basically got weird vibes from my girlfriend through out the summer that something is up with her and a guy that works in the same shopping centre as her. I confronte her 3 times over the summer and asked her each time if there is something going on between her and a guy. I had several reasons to confront her (read link above). Mainly about her getting naked photos from a guy, sending flirty txts, she never wanting to go out at weekends together, she stopped wanting to have sex (from 3 times a day down to once a week). She telling her co-workers that she's single and we broke up.... etc. so yeah, she messed up big time with just those things, but every single time I confronted her about that guy, she looked me deep in the eyes and told me I should trust her.
3 Times I confronted her over the summer and each time she told me I should trust her and that guy is in fact a gay friend and nothing else!
One night then I told her that I think she's lying so she told me that they only kissed once real quick, but since he's gay anyways, it shouldn't matter.

Anyways, that's what has been going on through out the summer.

Now it's september and about a week ago, I couldn't hold back because I felt something was going on so I invaded her privacy. I considered it several weeks if I should really lower myself to that level of mis-trust and go through her computer. One night it just got to me, so I look up her entire browser history.
What I found out was... well it made me sick and sad.

Thanks to Google Chrome, the browser history is nicely laid out by date and time.
The very very very very very first thing she does every single morning according to her history, is to go on to facebook and go straight on to that guys profile page to look at his pictures which she has seen over and over already.
If it would be one day in a week where she checks out that guys facebook profile, okay. But the VERY VERY VERY first thing when she gets up in the morning, is to go on her laptop, and even before checking her emails or reading the news or visiting any other website, she goes to that guys profile.
And not just once a week, but EVERY SINGLE DAY through out the past 3 months.
Plus, she does the same thing first thing she comes back from work straight to facebook to his profile, and then once again before she goes to bed.
I know, I might sound like a control freak but come on, the one guy I feel really insecure about... and she has to look at his photos every single day the first thing in the morning when she gets out of bed with me.

I then found out from some messages, that that guy is not gay, not even bisexual but 100% straight! And here I was, believing all those storys my girlfriend told me about him being gay and him being in a gay relationship and he just adopted a baby, and their just good friends that hang out. I felt so betrayed! She put so much work into all those lies about him being gay and how hard it was for him to adopt a child as a gay couple blablabla.... just makes me sick!

I continued looking through her history, and then I saw that she googled several times for "cheating on boyfriend", "cheating on boyfriend but not feeling guilty". - So yeah, big hint here that she's cheating!

I continued looking. I saw that she googled for that guys name, and city where he's from and his email address, and his usernames/nicknames he uses on the internet. Like she did a real check up on him. But according to the history, she did that on a regular basis.

I also found something weird, about a month ago, she googled for "how to get over a guy".

So with everything that happened through out the summer, and we the stuff I found on her computer, my guess was that she started having a crush on that guy. But at some stage it got out of control and she actually had sex with him. While at first she did not regret it, I am sure she tried to stop it and tried to get over him.


With all that knowledge I took my chances a few nights ago and told her that I know what happened.... she was all scared and looked at me, asking what I mean. Although I didn't have hard evidence that she actually cheated on me, I told her that I found out that she cheated.... her first reaction was being angry, asking how I would know that. So I simply said, "oh, you really think the "how" is the important part right now? All that matters right now is that I found out what you did."

And although to that second I was still somehow hoping deep down that she didn't cheat but maybe something else happened that would explain everything, she got up from the table and started crying and walked towards me and said that she is sorry about everything. She didn't know how to tell me, but she really regrets it.

We had a long talk and she did confess everything. About him not being gay, about she kinda liking him.
She told me that one night in June, she got drunk and then decided to call him to go to his place. She went there and they had sex. And then 2 weeks later she did it again.
Apparently they had sex 2 times. Each time on a weekend, when she told me that it's a girls night out. Each time she would call him up and take a taxi to his place. Have sex and then come back home to me. She said they continued texting for another month afterwards, but she told the guy she wants to break it off. The other guy never even knew that she is in a relationship (and still doesn't).
She asked me what she could do to work on the relationship. I told her a start would be if she would stop looking at that guys profile picture very first thing in the morning, even better to just delete him off her friends list.
And since she is so obsessed with facebook in the first place, she could upload a photo of the two of us, and maybe remove her relationship status from saying single to just not display, or even better to "in a relationship", or even better to say that she's in a relationship with me. After all, we've been together for a year!
She said she will do those things of course.

She told me she was freaking out because she is only 25 (me 27) and all in all her other relationships she always freaked out and broke up with the guy. But with me she said, it feels like a nice mature relationship, something strong and with a nice future, like we could have a family together one day etc, but she is scared at the same time to be in such a serious relationship, because she's never been in any serious relationship.

Okay I understand that. But does it justify cheating? Definitely not in my eyes. But shit happens, and I am willing to move on and work on our issues.
I told her I do still love her and nothing can change that, unfortunately my trust in her is broken. More than broken. On a scale from 1-10, it's currently below zero And love without trust is very difficult.

I am having a really hard time for the past week. I am keep picturing her with the other guy and it rips me apart on the inside. Plus now that I realized that every time I confronted her in the past, she looked me in the eyes and told me that I should trust her... now I know she was lying and having sex with him while she said those things.
It's honestly killing me, and sometimes I have to leave the room to just calm myself and get those pictures out of my head.
I'm having a very hard time coping with this situation, and at the same time I want her to see that I am moving on as well. I don't want to rub it in her face. What's done is done, and she has to make it up in her ways.

She has been really nice for the past week. She txts me several times through out the day, while normally she would never reply to any of my txts during her work, nor ever txt me first. She also gives me a giant hug when she goes to work, which I've never seen before. So that's good.

However, when I logged into facebook today, I noticed that the few little things that I asked her to do, such as, maybe delete him of facebook, or maybe get rid of her single status by just not saying anything, or upload a photo of us.... nothing has changed although she spends about 3 hours a day on facebook.

I couldn't help it tonight.... because apart from the nice txts and the hug in the morning I have not seen that she put any effort into the relationship at all. And because my trust is still broken.... I did it again... I looked up her history.... and what I saw was that the day we had the talk and the day after, she did not visit that guys profile, but the other 5 days including this morning, was the same as usual. First thing in the morning before checking emails or visiting anything else, is go on to his profile and look at all the picture of him. She did it for the 5 past days continuously.

And why does it bother me so much? It's facebook.... which I am not a big fan of in the first place. But in my eyes, if you get up on the morning and very first thing you do is do look at the guy photos that you betrayed your boyfriend with.... not the best thing to do, especially not if you say you will want to work on the relationship.


So what do I do? Wait another few weeks? See if she still does it? I am sick of turning into a control freak. I dont want to check up on her. I want to simply be able to trust her again.

Is it okay that she still checks his photos out first thing each morning?

Anyone any advice on what I should do? I decided to give her a second chance, but now just 7 days after the big talk, I see almost no efforts and all the things I asked for have not been done, and I think those were minor things, or even things which should have been in the obvious.
I really hope it's not too much to ask, if I dont want her to check out his photos first thing in the morning.

[James Banes]

This chick is playing you big time. She didn't merely betray your trust, she smashed it with a sledgehammer. All the signs that she's a terrible girlfriend are there. She's already cheated on you and treats you like crap. And you even named yourself "Walkonmen". This relationship will never go anywhere positive. That's a fact. Break up with her.

[searock]

I can't believe this - you're actually asking if it's bad of you to ask her to stop looking at that guy's pictures, after all she's done (and keeps doing) to you?!! Break up with her!!!!!

[WalkOverMe]

I forgot to mention that we planned about 3 months back to fly to her country and visit her parents. It would be the first time I meet her parents. That's definitely a big plus that she wants me to meet her parents. And I know she has never introduced any of her boyfriends to her parents.

So yes, big plus, but at the same time I feel like she's in love with that other guy.

[searock]

I'm starting to think you must be a troll o_o...

[WalkOverMe]

Im dead serious, which I guess is sad.

I just don't want to become a control freak, but the way it currently is, I'm really heading for it, and it is really painful to see that towards me she is all happy and nice, and then when I look on her laptop what she's actually up to, it's.... hurtful.

Maybe it's just a phase... I was kind of hoping that a woman here could give me some advice and explain why she is so obsessed with that other guy and yet still sticks around with me and talk about a future with me.
I do have to be honest, I know what it's like to be in your first serious relationship, it can be scary. I just hope this was a one time slip up because she freak out, in something that will turn into a beautiful relationship.

[Twisted_Juliet]

She is still with you not because you are his first serious relationship but because you have become her safety blanket, she knows you'll believe anything and everything no matter how many times she messes up and sadly that's your fault and your fault alone. Think about it for a minute, two weeks ago she wouldn't take 3 seconds of her time to text or check on you but with this guy she goes out of her way taking cabs and making up stories and for what? And even if it's weird that she obsesses so much over his Facebook pictures I think you are not seeing your biggest problem here, she is a cronic liar, maybe q good one at that but it doesn't matter what her profile says if you can't trust her, she's taken you for granted over and over so do yourself a favor and break up with her, spend time with other people and remember you can never love anybody unless you love yourself first

[Andariel]

I think if she genuinely regretted what she did to you and not just said those things because she got caught, she would have herself suggested ways of making you feel more comfortable again int he relationship in order to rebuild trust, rather than you having to say do this or that.Also, even when you said those things you were saying 'maybe' remove him from FB or 'maybe' you should stop looking a tthis pics etc. You did not stand up for yourself to say: this is what I am comfortable with, these are the boundaries of our relationship as far as I am concerned, what do you plan on doing to rebuild the trust that YOU broke? It is almsot like you are too araid to ask for what you want and need because you are afraid she might say no or she might think less of you.

News flash: it is you who ought to be thinking less of her not only because she lied and cheated, but because even after she has seen all the hurt she has caused you and supposedly said she wants to make amends, she has not taken a single step towards rebuilding trust and working on your relationship. A few texts and a hug and words/empty promises here and there will not make you trust her again.Her half-hearted attempts at reconcilation are disrespectful towards someone who is willing to forgive her betrayal and give her another chance.What does that say about her and the depth of her feelings for you?

Also, her checking his profile so often shows she is obsessed with him and possibly has feelings for him.You said she was searching for articles on how to 'get over a guy' so tha tis a huge hint.I think she lied to you about why things ended with the other guy.I think he only saw her as a booty call whereas she fell for him and once he got bored of her, he told her it's over. That is IMO why she was searching for articles on how to get over him and why she is obsessed with him to this day.

It is up to you to decide whether you feel that trust can or should be rebuild. Just make sure you take everything into consideration instead of just letting your heart rule your decision-making process because I fear you are in for more heartache in the future because to me she does not seem serious about your relationship.

[WalkOverMe]

Thank you Andariel.
I am really struggling on what I should do. Just a few months back I had pictured a lovely future together, now I am heart broken, upset, sad, angry and worst of all, no matter how much I would love to trust her again... it doesn't seem to be happening.
I still have feelings for her and I am hoping for a miracle, but when I'm being honest to myself, I don't want to be with a woman that even 5 years down the road at the back of my head I am wondering if she pulled something similar off again without me knowing.

And when I think about breaking up with her, it makes me sad cause obviously I still have feelings for her and I put so much work into our relationship, starting with moving to her country! I never broke up with a woman and still loving her.
I am just wondering what is more painful, to break up with her now and get it over with, being in real bad pain for weeks/months to get over the break up, or to sit around, to see her still checking up on that guy each and every day and hoping that one day she will stop it and return the love that I was giving her.

[Hth]

Oh my god, are you serious? Do you know that once a cheater, always a cheater? Wake up and break up with her before she smash your heart into pieces by her manipulate.

[WalkOverMe]

I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". People cheat for different reasons, she told me she cheated because she was freaking out on how serious the relationship got.
However I am honestly considering breaking up with her because I can't handle the pain much longer.

[Andariel]

[QUOTE=WalkOverMe;763418 I am just wondering what is more painful, to break up with her now and get it over with, being in real bad pain for weeks/months to get over the break up, or to sit around, to see her still checking up on that guy each and every day and hoping that one day she will stop it and return the love that I was giving her.[/QUOTE]

There is another very real possibility as well: you stay with her, she continues to pull the same s**t, you start detesting her and slowly but surely you may want nothing to do with her anymore. This is possible even if she were to completely change and remain faithful to you forever-if betrayal is something you think you can't get over then I don't see how this would work.It is very possible that your sadness and confusion will turn to anger and you will start blaming her, especially if she doesn't take any serious steps to make amends

If you do decide to stay with her, she ought to respect you though and make the changes required to help you start trusting her again.So far,based on your post,I don't see any such thing on her part. If she wants to be forgiven she needs to work for it and not expect that she will just throw you a bone every now and then and you should be happy with that but in order for that to happen you need to stand up for yourself and make it clear to her that you are not willing to put up with any more deceit and lies.