Emotional Affair?

[Gasteria]

That's how HE sees it; it's the fruit of HIS labor. And he's willing to jettison half of it.

Aw, well.

===============

You know, this was the choice we had.

He gives her up and is utterly miserable with me.
He doesn't give her up and I'm utterly miserable.

There is no exit strategy.

[vashti]

That's how HE sees it; it's the fruit of HIS labor.

Well, if you live in a community property area, he is about to be reeducated.

You know, this was the choice we had.

He gives her up and is utterly miserable with me.
He doesn't give her up and I'm utterly miserable.

There is no exit strategy.

Why should you be any more miserable NOW than when you knew he was in love with someone else? At least NOW you will have the opportunity to quit playing second fiddle to another woman, whether or not you find someone else.

[oldskool83]

before id even do anything with account funds i spend $100 on a lawyer for 1 hour of time to give insight on what you should do. i did this in 2008. also if you can work out the details out of the laywers office it will be alot cheaper. as far as your husband being dumb....sure sounds like it. a un married woman at age 50 is a big red flag with out knowing anymore. damn them free spirts!!!!!!!!!

[Wakeup]

Why he didn't marry her? He's very short, and not particularly physically attractive, so she wasn't interested. Also, according to my future ex-husband, a psychologist ended a professional relationship with her because he thought her issues with relationships with men were too profound for him to help. She is 50, and never married.

It's demoralizing to work on the marriage when he's been refusing to give up on the "friendship" for nearly a couple of years.

He sees her as his eternal soulmate.

I was the practical, more workable choice. Not first choice.

*looks in crystal ball* After she's ripped his heart out through his asshole with her (possible) boarderline personality, he'll likely come back to you begging for forgiveness.
You, having come to your senses and one half of the marital assets, tell him to go stuff himself as you head out the door to a cab awaiting to wisk you away to Jamaica. (bring rubbers).

First though.. you get some advice from a lawyer before doing anything.

[Gasteria]

I will get a lawyer, the prospect of alimony makes my heart warm and fuzzy.

He knows what he's getting into, with her. He's literally leaving me for a platonic friendship.

How's THAT for an emotional affair.

The worst is that for the past couple of years, he made it sound like my concerns were in my imagination.

[Leona77]

No disrispect to anyone, but I think there is a more helpful/specialized forum for your problem. I know it because a friend was in a similar situation.Good luck!

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi]Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums[/url]

[imissher]

If you can determine what you want with regards to the material items and spousal support per month, write it down and submit it to him as a proposal. He has to keep up your standard of living at a minimum. If he agrees, you can save $$$$$ on legal fees by using an online service like completecase.com or similar if allowed in your country.

[elny1]

I will get a lawyer, the prospect of alimony makes my heart warm and fuzzy.

He knows what he's getting into, with her. He's literally leaving me for a platonic friendship.

How's THAT for an emotional affair.

The worst is that for the past couple of years, he made it sound like my concerns were in my imagination.

You need to get a grip woman. MOVE ON. You're going to waste all of this stupid energy on hatred and vengeance getting alimony instead of focusing on getting back on track in life, and you know what!? No guy will EVER be interested in long-term dating a woman who has alimony on another man. You want to know why?! BECAUSE ITS RIDICULOUS TO THINK YOU DESERVE SUCH A VICE ON AN EX-S BALLS AND EVERY MAN AND HIS SON KNOW THIS. Your emotions are getting the best of you and you need to take time, RELAX, and calmly sort out a separation. My mom and my grandmom both did the alimony route, and my grandmom is unmarried and very very alone right now. She saw a guy for a long time but he never married her and eventually broke up with her. My mom is in a long-term relationship right now with a guy who REFUSES to marry her, and she lives in doubt every day of her relationship.

People grow apart. Such is life. Don't let the rest of your life revolve around making your ex's life miserable for naturally growing apart. You might be mad that his life changed and he's happier right now and then makes you super mad and emotionally sad, but you WILL get through this and YOU WILL be MUCH happier. This is your chance to see how much you've changed in life and for you to meet new people that are more on the same page as you in life now.

[Wakeup]

You need to get a grip woman. MOVE ON. You're going to waste all of this stupid energy on hatred and vengeance getting alimony instead of focusing on getting back on track in life, and you know what!? No guy will EVER be interested in long-term dating a woman who has alimony on another man. You want to know why?! BECAUSE ITS RIDICULOUS TO THINK YOU DESERVE SUCH A VICE ON AN EX-S BALLS AND EVERY MAN AND HIS SON KNOW THIS. Your emotions are getting the best of you and you need to take time, RELAX, and calmly sort out a separation. My mom and my grandmom both did the alimony route, and my grandmom is unmarried and very very alone right now. She saw a guy for a long time but he never married her and eventually broke up with her. My mom is in a long-term relationship right now with a guy who REFUSES to marry her, and she lives in doubt every day of her relationship.

People grow apart. Such is life. Don't let the rest of your life revolve around making your ex's life miserable for naturally growing apart. You might be mad that his life changed and he's happier right now and then makes you super mad and emotionally sad, but you WILL get through this and YOU WILL be MUCH happier. This is your chance to see how much you've changed in life and for you to meet new people that are more on the same page as you in life now.

*sniffs* I smell the stank of a bitter man that cheated and had to pay huge alimony payments for his indiscretion or, someone who is projecting. This particular settlement can be as stress and drama free as her husband makes it.

[vashti]

No guy will EVER be interested in long-term dating a woman who has alimony on another man. You want to know why?! BECAUSE ITS RIDICULOUS TO THINK YOU DESERVE SUCH A VICE ON AN EX-S BALLS AND EVERY MAN AND HIS SON KNOW THIS. Your emotions are getting the best of you

Haha! All the men *I* know are encouraging me to take alimony when I think about waving it.

Another thought: after such a long-term marriage, has it occurred to you that perhaps the original poster (and your mom and grandmother) isn't especially interested in getting married again? I know *I'm* not, at least not at this time. In my opinion, getting married is beneficial for having children. Otherwise, eh... I've had my babies. I see no real benefit anymore, or at least the advantages don't seem to outweigh the disadvantages (though of course, I am aware my feelings about this may change over time).

The reasons women aren't getting remarried are vastly more complex than whether or not she is receiving alimony.

[elny1]

*sniffs* I smell the stank of a bitter man that cheated and had to pay huge alimony payments for his indiscretion or, someone who is projecting. This particular settlement can be as stress and drama free as her husband makes it.

lol I'm 24, and no. The bitter one is the OP.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with splitting possessions that were acquired while the two were together, but alimony makes me want to vomit. Why should someone be continually obligated share the 'fruits of their labor' to maintain the standard of living of someone they no longer have a connection to?

As Vashti said, "He may have made the cash, but (usually) the wife raises the kids and keeps the home up, arranges the family social life, maintains family connections, etc.. Each person is contributing in a different way..", and I agree, but he was footing the bill during that time. Now he's footing her bills and she's not doing anything; she should have to keep cleaning his house and doing his laundry to keep things fair shouldn't she?

OP, no amount of money is going to make you feel better about you not being good enough for your husband. Do you really want a monthly reminder that you're not good enough? Do you really want to stay dependent on him? Get a job, if you don't have one and start taking care of yourself.

[Gasteria]

I do have a job interview for tomorrow. I am moving on. I am not bitter at all.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with splitting possessions that were acquired while the two were together, but alimony makes me want to vomit. Why should someone be continually obligated share the 'fruits of their labor' to maintain the standard of living of someone they no longer have a connection to?

As Vashti said, "He may have made the cash, but (usually) the wife raises the kids and keeps the home up, arranges the family social life, maintains family connections, etc.. Each person is contributing in a different way..", and I agree, but he was footing the bill during that time. Now he's footing her bills and she's not doing anything; she should have to keep cleaning his house and doing his laundry to keep things fair shouldn't she?

Because its not just about raising kids, cooking and cleaning. What if the partner who stayed home to do this gave up all those years of career investment to do so? You seriously expect that partner to simply go out and take a minimum wage job to pay the bills when their spouse is making 6-figures and was supported at home to do so? Do you really think an MD, MBA, PhD or JD just gets to walk into a high-income position after being at home for a decade or so?

It really depends on the couple. If a guy with a professional degree stays home while his high-powered lawyer wife brings home the bacon, and then dumps Mr. Mom at some point, he is certainly entitled to her alimony. And vice-versa.

BTW, this issue is one of the reasons guys are now finding it so hard to find a 'traditional' woman to stay home and raise kids.

[cathy22]

sounds like he'll be the loser in the end. She's probably played lots of men over the years. And it sounds like he's pulled enough rope out to hang himself with. Hey, the grass is always greener, uh?