Ex-GF always turns my world upside down

[bpem]

The Intro
I met this girl through a friend and we went out for maybe 2 months. Unfortunately it was before I could drive and we lived pretty far away, thus our relationship consisted of a lot of video calls and texting. Eventually she told me that she didn't feel the same as when we first met and I understood, because we couldn't really progress at the rate that we were seeing each other. However, the breakup still hit me pretty hard, and I tried very hard to avoid her so that I wouldn't think of her anymore.

Post Breakup
Yet over the past 2 years, there's been several times where we did meet up and talk. After each encounter however, I end up feeling weird. I get mixed feelings and I start getting slightly lovesick I guess.

• We went to junior prom together about 4 months after we broke up. I ended up leaving afterprom early without saying a word to her because I was feeling weird.

• We met in church on several occasions.

• Sometime maybe 6 months after our breakup she is in a relationship with a different guy.

• Around 12 months later, I go out with friends including a different girl that I was practically dating, my ex was there too. We talked a bit and caught up.

• A month later I break up with the new girl without explanation. I wasn't up for a new relationship.

• 6 months later, I go to college.

Recent Event
Now most recently, I am in college and so is she. We go to different colleges though. Recently, her friend was having a birthday party so she was coming down. I heard this from her bestfriend that goes to the same college as me. Her bestfriend and I are actually very close and she tries to keep me and my ex away from each other because I always get weird every time I see her. I was also invited, but I said I didn't want to go (I didn't want to see her). But around 3 hours later she calls me, I assumed she was drunk.

"Hiiiiiiii. I'm at your college! Why didn't you go to the party??"
"I was tired so I just went back to my dorm. How is it?"
"It's fun. So where do you live?"
"------- Hall."
"Ohhh okay I'll visit you later. Don't go to sleep!"
"Oh. Wait really?"
"Yeaaa I'll call you, put your phone on loud."
"Haha okay."
So basically I assume she doesn't know what she's saying. Also, I was almost certain that she was still in a relationship with the other guy. I forget about it and watch a movie with friends in my dorm. About 3am she calls and says "I'm outside! Open the door."

She runs down the path to the door that I'm holding open and hugs me.

She says "I missed you!"

Then i see that her bestfriend and another friend tagged along and were walking slowly up. I feel weird because it's almost like I was caught doing something bad. We play pool, pingpong, etc. and waste time. She constantly pokes fun at me in a flirty way, which is how she usually acts. Eventually though, everyone gets tired and she asks to borrow my keys and goes into my dorm where my roommate is sleeping. Also, another friend is sleeping over with my roommate haha. Her friend and bestfriend say they'll wake her up when they leave. At 5 they get up to leave but they don't bother waking her up. They just tell me that she needs to get home at 10 so I should wake her up then. I see them out and I walk back to my room and see everyone asleep. She is in my bed and my friends are asleep in the other bed. I just grab extra sheets and a pillow and sleep on the ground.
In the morning I wake everyone up. My friend goes out, the other guy goes home and my ex says let's go to breakfast. She changes to comfortable clothes and we walk to the dining hall together. We eat and catch up. It's extremely comfortable and we have a good conversation. I walk her back to her car and we hug and she goes home.

But this time I do say "I missed you too."

Feelings Now
It's been a few days and I've been feeling very lovesick again. I feel stupid for letting her come over. At the same time I'm glad she did, because I missed her. I know she's still in a relationship so it was extremely inappropriate for her to sleep over my dorm. But I would never get in the same bed as her unless I was still going out with her, so nothing happened and nothing would have ever happened. I think her bestfriend knew that too. But now I'm back to my miserable state. I don't know why but it seems like I've never gotten over her. People have told me that the only way to fix it is to find someone else, but I have no inclination as of yet.
So I guess I'm here to understand exactly why she came that day? And has anyone ever experienced similar feelings as I have? Also, any advice on how to move on?
Thanks a lot for reading.

[skyliner33]

you should have been more upfront with her in to begin with. it sounds like you've never really told her how you really feel. it seems like it was b/c of your tacit consent to let her come over and see you that this situation arose in the first place. it sounds like she's basically messing with your emotions, and you can't let her do that, whether she's doing it intentionally or not. also if you both don't attend the same school then imo its a completely lost cause to consider her a possibility. start going out more, you're in college, meet more people and try to channel that energy you feel towards someone new. i know its hard, and easier said than done, but i've been there before, not in your exact situation, and when you have lingering unresolved feelings for someone it can be hard to "just move on," but its something you're going to have to do.

[bpem]

You're right; I do tend to keep my feelings away from others. I bottle em up and try to forget them but they just sit there.
And yea I definitely should have been more adamant about the situation. I guess I was 50% hoping she wouldn't carry through with the promise but also hopeful that she would.
Now that I think about it, I feel like there's a way to end it, but I'm not sure I have the guts to do it: I could call her up and tell her exactly what I'm feeling and be straight with it. What do you think about that?
Also, she is transferring to my college next year, not that it's very relevant to the immediate situation.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

[skyliner33]

yeah man no problem i'm going through some shit right now too so i know it helps just to have someone who listens and understands.

what exactly are you feeling as it pertains to her anyways? to me it sounds like you aren't even sure yourself. tell me that and then i'll opine on what i think you should do

[bpem]

I regret that we didn't meet a little later on, when both of us would have been more mature and actually capable of driving.
I'm happy she still thinks of me. I feel dirty for meeting her while she's still in a relationship.
I definitely still have feelings for her, but my conscience is telling me it's wishful thinking. I definitely wouldn't want to do anything to mess her and her boyfriend up.
So maybe I need to find absolute closure.

[HeartIsAching]

You need to find a way to communicate - and I don't just mean with her. The thing that leaped out at me while reading your post is that you don't communicate. The surest way to ensure that you don't get what you want in a relationship is to not talk to the person you're in a relationship with. Guaranteed.

If you're at school, it's likely there's counseling services available to you - see them, tell them you need to learn some communication skills. It'll change your life.

[bpem]

Yes, I guess I do need to work on communication skills but I also think that it'll come with experience, as opposed to going to counseling.
For some reason going to counseling makes it seem like it's a huge problem but I feel as though it's something that I have to learn on my own.

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, I guess I do need to work on communication skills but I also think that it'll come with experience, as opposed to going to counseling.
For some reason going to counseling makes it seem like it's a huge problem but I feel as though it's something that I have to learn on my own.

Think what you want... but you're wrong. Experience will teach you to do the same thing over and over again, and wonder why you can't have a successful relationship. Hear me now, believe me later.