Physical Intimacy after cheating

[koalaman]

My girlfriend is the love of my life and I was the love of hers until I cheated on her over a year ago.

We met while we were both studying abroad and were living together for a year. But the time came when we had to go back to our countries but we made plans for her to come to Australia on a working holiday visa as we wanted to be with each other. We didn't have enough money yet, so the plan was for us to work and save up together first for her to come. On her return, she started experiencing health problems so she could not work. I understood and supported her, so I worked her share. I was dying to see her again so that’s all I focused on the whole year. I went to uni and worked whenever I didn’t have class, I hardly went out at all. I finally managed to save up enough money for her tickets and for us to get a place together a few months before Christmas. I was so excited to be with her again. But when I told her she said that she wanted to spend a few months there to get her driving licence there first. I tried to tell her that she can get her license here too and it’d be recognized internationally, and that it’s a better time to come before Christmas anyway as many shops hire for the busy Christmas period but every time I brought it up she got angry and told me that it’s her decision and I should stop pressuring her. The fights were so terrible that I couldn’t bring it up anymore.

I wanted to be with her so much, and suddenly I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. She used to tell me everyday that she was really suffering in her country without me. She told me everyday that she wished she could be there in Australia with me right now… and then when she finally could she gets angry at me for even suggesting she come soon. I just didn’t understand why she wanted to insist on getting her license in her country when she can easily get one here… especially if she was suffering so much in her country and dying to see me so much. I just didn’t understand why she wouldn’t even discuss it with me.

I felt really terrible and unwanted… and started to feel attracted to a girl I worked with who I could tell had a crush on me. I found myself thinking more and more about her, and she was more and more exciting to talk to… but I still loved my girlfriend. I was so lost and confused. I felt excited by this girl but I loved my girlfriend and just wanted to be with her. I didn’t understand why I felt this way about this other girl… I never even used to look at another girl while I was with my girlfriend. I was so lost and confused and I just wanted it to stop. In the end I thought that it must have been because I hadn’t been having sex for a year and that this feeling would go away as soon as I have sex… and in my twisted logic I thought that I would stop thinking about this girl if I went to a brothel. I regretted it right away. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.

I didn’t want to hide this from my gf and I told her everything. I told her how I felt unwanted and felt like I couldn’t discuss it with her. I told her about the girl at work and how I didn’t understand it and was confused and wanted it all to just go away. And her world just collapsed. She was so depressed and angry but after a month or so she told me she still loved me and she still wanted to be with me. We were talking everyday on skype and it felt like things were getting better. We could talk and laugh and be happy with each other again.

A few months later she came to Australia. We had sex regularly when she first came back, and most of the time I could tell that she liked it… but at the same time it was like all the pain from the cheating came back to her… even after everything felt better on skype. For the next few months she was depressed and angry and wondered why she came. I told her how I hated myself for it, that I didn’t know what I was doing and that I’d never do it again… and she calmed down after a few months. We could spend time happily together again.

But she told me that she needed a break from being physically intimate with me. This included not just sex but also kissing. I respected that and for a period I just hugged her and held her hand and talked to her, as she wanted me to. Eventually she opened up to me physically again but she doesn’t like it. When she kisses me or when we have sex she seems unenthusiastic. Before our kisses were passionate, but now it feels like her mouth is just there. And it feels like she’s just doing it to please me. Most of the time even when I tried to kiss her she didn’t let me, saying that I had bad breath. But I tried to brush my teeth and use mouthwash and mint right before kissing her, but then she tells me I’m a bad kisser and it’s like I just shove my tongue in her mouth, even though she used to love kissing me so much. I’ve tried everything to make my kissing better. I do exactly what she tells me, I twirl my tongue exactly as she says she wants it and I try to do it as gently and as soft as possible but for her it feels the same.

Nowadays we have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. She always gives me an excuse, that she has a headache, backaches, that she’s tired from work, that we don’t have time, that I’d be ruining her makeup etc etc… And when we do end up having sex, even if at first she’s a bit reluctant, most of the time she loves it too. But she tells me that it feels good to her physically, but she feels like the emotional connection we have when we make love is gone.

My girlfriend has accepted what happened. She doesn’t find me that amazing as a person anymore and she finds me annoying a lot of the time but we’re able to be spend good time together and be happy most of the time. We hardly talk about what happened anymore but sometimes we still do when something reminds her of it and she feels terrible about it. When I asked her if she was still physically attracted to me she tells me yes, but she’s scared. She told me that before she thought that I was special, and she never thought that I would hurt her like that. She told me that nowadays she’s just always scared of me hurting her the same way again.

I honestly hate myself for what I’ve done and I don’t ever want to cheat on her again, but no matter how much I try to tell her this she tells me that she can’t make sure. When I try and try and get rejected over and over when I try to kiss her or make love with her, she just pushes me away and I don’t try to push her into it if she doesn’t feel like it. But it’s been over a year and I don’t feel that things would naturally get any better if nothing changes.

Has anybody been in this situation or know somebody who has experienced something similar? Does anybody have any advice on how I can make things better?

[tehwarlock]

Time, maybe? Perhaps you shouldn't have told her about it or never have visited a brothel in the first place. Yuck

[koalaman]

Yeah I thought that it'd take time too. It's been over a year now and some things are definitely much better. Most of the time she doesn't seem to think about it anymore and we can spend a great time together sometimes. But if she doesn't want to kiss me after a year I don't know if she'd ever feel like it again. I feel like if I don't do something special nothing's going to change. Do you think the best thing for me to do is just to wait a few more years before she'd feel like kissing me again??

[Wakeup]

I doubt its the cheating that's the problem.. she had a chance to be with you but she stalled coming to be with you. I don't think she ever really liked you much in the first place and the only reasaon she's there is because you gave her an excuse to bail on the relationship (the cheating). She expected you to remain celibate while she hummed and hawed and made excuses not the be there. To me expecting a man or woman to remain monogamous (in this case celibate) for a year or more is being dysfunctional at best. Any person who expects their partner to be physically faithful for that length of time is either delusional or frigid/impotent. It's unnatural.

She never loved you she didnt' jump at the chance to be with you she wouldn't come because of a stinking driving license. She was "sick" and couldn't earn the money to go so you did it all.

I'm sorry all this happened to you and you went to so much trouble to get her there. Leave her now and quit trying when she never cared much by the looks of things.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah, end it.