A bit confused

[cruisectrl]

Hey

So I need some advice and some direction here.

I just started dating this girl about 2 weeks ago and at the moment it's going really well. She's really pretty and nice and shy which I like because I'm pretty shy as well. But I'm a bit lost on what to do.

I'm not the most experienced person in the dating world. I'm actually pretty bad at it, hence why I'm lost. I had a "girlfriend" when I was 14 (6 years ago) which wasn't really a mature relationship. We went on two "dates" and after that just called each other and did the MSN thing. Then nothing at all happened for about 5 years. I finally moved to a different city after a year of college and then finally started asking girls out. Went on a few dates with one girl, then she broke it off with a text saying she wasn't looking for a relationship. I later realized it was because I was smothering her. I didn't really know what I was doing at all. Shortly after, I started dating one of my friends which kind of ended in the same way. The exact same way, actually. So then nothing happened for about 10 months and now I've found myself seeing someone again.

We've been on a couple dates. I still haven't kissed her because it hasn't felt right yet. I've been very careful about how much I call and text her as to not smother her like I had done previously. I'm going to call her Friday and hopefully go on another date this weekend. We have a mutual friend who asked her how it was going with me and she supposedly said that she's having a good time. Apparently she also mentioned that I seem very tense when I'm with her (Which, let's face it, it's true).

But I'm at a point where I've never really gotten past before (At least not very far past). I've done the first few dates thing a few times and I kind of know what I'm doing there now, but here I'm lost. It sounds weird but I am. This will be date number 3. My record is 3 =\

I don't know where to take her. I haven't lived here very long and really don't know the area too well. I don't want to do the same things we've already done at risk of coming off as boring and unoriginal. I'm also afraid that if I continue to come off as tense or shy or whatever, she'll just move on, which is in turn making me more nervous. A brutal cycle which I don't know how to break. I'm over thinking everything. My nightmare is freezing up and not having anything to talk about. Basically my problem is anxiety. I understand that all I need to do is relax, and that all my problems will be solved if I relax, but I have a horrible track record at this point in dating and I don't want to f*ck it up again. And not because I'm madly in love with her or anything clingy like that, but for ME. I want to know that I'm capable of doing this and it's really throwing off my self esteem. I want to have a relationship with this girl and this is probably the best I've ever done (seeing as she told our mutual friend who's a really good friend of hers that she actually likes me...) but for some reason I can't get past WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. What can I do? I don't even want to call her back until I get myself straightened out here...

[Cerby]

One quick tip - don't wait unitl Friday to plan a date for the weekend, call at least 3 days in advance.

Also, I know it sounds cliché, but you have to be yourself - if you just trying to be someone you're not to make a relationship work, it will eventually show. Plan to take her on a date once a week or so for while, then when you feel comfortable, start ramping it up a bit. If you're truly comfortage around someone you won't struggle to find things to talk about.

[cruisectrl]

Well I called on Sunday to see if she was available at all this week and she said no, so I figured I wouldn't bug her while she was busy.

(She said she was still interested though, just busy this week)

[bulrush]

I don't want to imply that a pill should be used to fix everything, but, let's face it, there's a lot of messed up people out there. And I want to cover all the bases. When I had low testosterone I had a lot of fatigue, and a lot of anxiety. Now my T levels are great, and I'm very confident. It's like liquid confidence.

The other thing is you may have anxiety due to some other factor.

And lastly, when I was younger I was just shy. So I did something about it. I became a body builder, which helped my confidence, and was required to take a speech class in college, which also helped my confidence. When you see a 230lb football player get up in front of a room full of people and start crying because he's so nervous, it really brings one closer to everyone else, and you realize, people really do have something in common: they get nervous giving speeches! lol.

I think you just need to practice small talk. Ask out random girls, where it doesn't matter if you fail. Then practice small talk with them. Keep a card in your car with a list of topics you can talk about. Then review that card just as you go pick them up. Hide the card. Here's some topics to get you started. Talk about the topic from your point of view, or hers.

• Good movies
• Bad movies
• Scary movies
• Hobbies
• Avoid politics and religion.
• Good restaurants or favorite foods
• Sports
• TV shows
• Funny things that happened to either of you, friends or family (my aunt is an artist)
• Odd things that happened to either of you, friends, or family (my grandpa was on the "Today" show (June 2008?) because he finally graduated high school at age 93.)
• Animals. Do you like them? Which are your favorites?
• Recent news.
• Do you like her hair?
• Pet peeves.
• Does Justin Beeber's hair have it's own name?
• Does Rihanna really like whips and chains?

Also, talk to random strangers on the street. You will find that most will like to talk, if only for a minute. Don't get discouraged, some are busy and do not have time to talk. And some will talk your arm off! lol.

[cruisectrl]

The problem I have isn't social anxiety, it's just anxiety when it comes to relationships. People usually compliment my ability to talk to girls and strangers and I don't feel nervous about it. It's when I get into these "relationships" and I start to worry about every little thing I say and do and I make all these assumptions. Every day I don't call her and she doesn't call me I get this impression that she's moving on. When I do call, and she says she's busy, I assume she just broke it off, and it's not until our mutual friend tells me otherwise that I assume that. I don't get why I do it. We'll have a really great date or a really great phone conversation and not even the next day I'm worrying about things again. I'm sure she likes me, but I don't even believe myself when I say that, even though it's true. That doesn't even make sense for God sakes. But I'm very sociable so that's where I'm lost. Whenever my friends are too shy to go talk to girls, I'm the first one to do it for them. It's insanity, and you would think just based on the fact that I understand it's absurd, I would realize it's absurd. But I don't. I still think that when I call her tomorrow to ask her out, she'll flat out tell me she's not interested. So I'm dreading it. But at the same time, I know she won't. But I don't believe myself when I say that. In a logical world that doesn't even make sense.

I've started taking some natural anxiety pills which I hope start to work soon. I hate to be the neurotic guy, because generally I have more narcissistic qualities (Which I like).

Also, I've pretty much exhausted that list of conversation topics already.

[Mathias]

I don't want to imply that a pill should be used to fix everything, but, let's face it, there's a lot of messed up people out there. And I want to cover all the bases. When I had low testosterone I had a lot of fatigue, and a lot of anxiety. Now my T levels are great, and I'm very confident. It's like liquid confidence.

The other thing is you may have anxiety due to some other factor.

And lastly, when I was younger I was just shy. So I did something about it. I became a body builder, which helped my confidence, and was required to take a speech class in college, which also helped my confidence. When you see a 230lb football player get up in front of a room full of people and start crying because he's so nervous, it really brings one closer to everyone else, and you realize, people really do have something in common: they get nervous giving speeches! lol.

I think you just need to practice small talk. Ask out random girls, where it doesn't matter if you fail. Then practice small talk with them. Keep a card in your car with a list of topics you can talk about. Then review that card just as you go pick them up. Hide the card. Here's some topics to get you started. Talk about the topic from your point of view, or hers.

• Good movies
• Bad movies
• Scary movies
• Hobbies
• Avoid politics and religion.
• Good restaurants or favorite foods
• Sports
• TV shows
• Funny things that happened to either of you, friends or family (my aunt is an artist)
• Odd things that happened to either of you, friends, or family (my grandpa was on the "Today" show (June 2008?) because he finally graduated high school at age 93.)
• Animals. Do you like them? Which are your favorites?
• Recent news.
• Do you like her hair?
• Pet peeves.
• Does Justin Beeber's hair have it's own name?
• Does Rihanna really like whips and chains?

Also, talk to random strangers on the street. You will find that most will like to talk, if only for a minute. Don't get discouraged, some are busy and do not have time to talk. And some will talk your arm off! lol.

Meh. I like the approach better of listening to what she has to say, then asking followup questions.

Works like a charm. They actually think you're interested in them, because you actually are.

[Cerby]

The problem I have isn't social anxiety, it's just anxiety when it comes to relationships. People usually compliment my ability to talk to girls and strangers and I don't feel nervous about it. It's when I get into these "relationships" and I start to worry about every little thing I say and do and I make all these assumptions. Every day I don't call her and she doesn't call me I get this impression that she's moving on. When I do call, and she says she's busy, I assume she just broke it off, and it's not until our mutual friend tells me otherwise that I assume that. I don't get why I do it. We'll have a really great date or a really great phone conversation and not even the next day I'm worrying about things again. I'm sure she likes me, but I don't even believe myself when I say that, even though it's true. That doesn't even make sense for God sakes. But I'm very sociable so that's where I'm lost. Whenever my friends are too shy to go talk to girls, I'm the first one to do it for them. It's insanity, and you would think just based on the fact that I understand it's absurd, I would realize it's absurd. But I don't. I still think that when I call her tomorrow to ask her out, she'll flat out tell me she's not interested. So I'm dreading it. But at the same time, I know she won't. But I don't believe myself when I say that. In a logical world that doesn't even make sense.

I've started taking some natural anxiety pills which I hope start to work soon. I hate to be the neurotic guy, because generally I have more narcissistic qualities (Which I like).

Also, I've pretty much exhausted that list of conversation topics already.

What you have is a complete lack of confidence in yourself to maintain a relationship. You expect that every meeting should be new and exciting and that you should always be trying to impress her. The reality of it is that after this first initial period, it becomes more about just being yourself and being accepted for that. If you feel that every time you go out you need to put on a full show with song and dance, and that she needs to do nothing other than join your conversation, you're set up for failure.

Also, if at this point you find yourself still struggling for conversation topics, then you might simply not be clicking. Usually the 3rd date is where things should really start to take off. You also need to kiss her soon.

[James Banes]

OP, I know what it's like to chase after Canadian chicks. They seem closed-off and distant when you're getting into the relationship, but when they fall in love with you they'll fall in love with you to the end of the Earth. Don't know what it is but Canadian broads can stick by their men better than broads in other English speaking countries. So don't worry about her closed-off behavior; she's just acting that way to see if the man she's after is worth it.

As far as conversation goes, be honest. Canadian chicks like honesty from dudes more than U.S. chicks and English chicks. Tell her you are scared you'll say something bad. That's why you're tense. She'll understand and even help you loosen the tension.

Meh. I like the approach better of listening to what she has to say, then asking followup questions.

Works like a charm. They actually think you're interested in them, because you actually are.

Look at this guy. He scorns me for generalizing then does the same himself.

[Mathias]

Look at this guy. He scorns me for generalizing then does the same himself.

That's not generalizing. Sorry, bro.

My statement was "they actually think you're interested, because you actually are".

You show interest in anyone, they're going to think you're showing interest in them. Nice try, though. Keep at it, maybe you'll find something that makes yourself feel better about judging Asian people and Connecticut women and midwestern women and shy guys.

[bulrush]

The problem I have isn't social anxiety, it's just anxiety when it comes to relationships.

Then it sounds like you need more practice dealing with girls in the context of a possible relationship.

Just be yourself, but not too goofy or lovey dovey. Don't come on too strong, otherwise talk about what interests you. The point of dating is not to impress someone by being someone else. Just act yourself, and if they like you, then it often works out. So the point becomes, finding someone who likes you for you.

And so start practicing by dating girls you don't like that much, so the risk perceived by you is lower. Use that to build your confidence. And you might find that special girl along the way too.

This is why I talk to girls online and on the phone for 6-8 hours (over several conversations) before I meet them in person. I want to know if, when they hear my personality, if they still are interested. Usually they are. So then I set up a first date. It takes some willpower to not rush into things but it works better in the long run.

[James Banes]

That's not generalizing. Sorry, bro.

My statement was "they actually think you're interested, because you actually are".

You show interest in anyone, they're going to think you're showing interest in them. Nice try, though. Keep at it, maybe you'll find something that makes yourself feel better about judging Asian people and Connecticut women and midwestern women and shy guys.

I never judged these people. I merely pointed out their traits. You need to figure that out.

[cruisectrl]

I don't think I need to date multiple women to solve my problem. I just need to be able to get past the first few dates mark with one woman.

And so start practicing by dating girls you don't like that much, so the risk perceived by you is lower.

That's absurd. No offense, but I'm not practicing for a marathon here. I don't need to build myself up to dating girls I like. That's essentially using girls for my own personal benefit. I don't even think of dating when I'm not extremely interested in someone. I'm not like my roommate who is desperate for a relationship and will date anyone just to be in one. I'm not going to go down the street and pick victims like I'm Jeffery Dahmer or something.
I did start taking anxiety medicine which seems to be helping and I stopped drinking caffeine. That helps too.

[Mathias]

I never judged these people. I merely pointed out their traits. You need to figure that out.

Whatever you say, man.