Shy and geeky guys, please help

[TheSingleGuy]

I think there are way too many women who try to "be pursued" and eventually realize they can be complete bitches and get away with it. I admit, it works. When a woman I pursue shows lack of interest (flaking on dates at the last minute, saying she's gotta go but she'll call back & then never does...shit like that) it does cause me to feel rejected. Right after the divorce, there was something inside me that couldn't accept that and I'd continue to pursue. Usually, they were in fact playing hard to get because most of them ended up going out with me and even sleeping with me.

That does, of course, make me feel good about myself. But now days, when a woman plays that shit, I still don't know if they are uninterested or wanting me to pursue them harder, but I send them a text "**** off" and end it there. If she wanted something, she can claw her way out of the shit house she created ifvshe wants to. But these butches never do. I can't stand that shit. If a woman digs me, she digs me and allows my "comfortable side" to shine and I'm way better around women like that. The ones that want to play power games and head games aren't gonna get me.

In my opinion, this whole "going hiking" bullshit was a power play move and shame on that guy for allowing you to get away with it.

[smackie9]

Lindalinda, girl it's the 21st century and it's ok to ask a guy out on a date, make a decision on where you are going on the date, open door for a man, ask a guy for his number, etc. It's a mature step for women everywhere to take. Maybe its time for you and other women to put those rights of equality that women hard work so hard for, put to use, don't you think?

[lindalinda]

The problem is
I do not have a problem being chased, pursued and asked out by guys. The relationships were perfect in the beginning. Once I am nice and sincere to them, they are not nice to me, it happened a lot in the past and wasted many of my years.
What I am trying to do is getting THE nice and sincere one like myself. I only need one of them.

[lindalinda]

"Any other guy (maybe one not so "shy") would have dumped you after you asked if he was still interested and then when he said yes, you said you'd made other plans. I don't know too many that would give you another look after that. "
Wakeup,
this is exactly what I want. I need those not so sincere guys leave me ASAP so they wont mess up with my life later. ^_^
if I dont do this, how could I know the 'shy" guy is not one of them!

Nope.

he didn't know how to get you but he still got the date. He's a push over and I will be surprised if your relationship progresses. (I hope I'm wrong) Any other guy (maybe one not so "shy") would have dumped you after you asked if he was still interested and then when he said yes, you said you'd made other plans. I don't know too many that would give you another look after that. Throw them away and buy ones that teach you how to communicate ..

*snipped*

[Wakeup]

Wakeup,
this is exactly what I want. I need those not so sincere guys leave me ASAP so they wont mess up with my life later. ^_^

so you be the not so sincere one instead? Okay, if that's your "game" then have fun. As I said good luck, I hope you get the man you want.

[Mathias]

Boy genius, singular subject focus, lacking social skills, but with manners, leadership and integrity. You are describing someone with possible borderline autism. This does not mean the person is mentally unstable, far from it. What it often does mean is that they have the ability to focus at genius level and often to the exclusion of everything else. They often don't have a naturally frivolous aspect and may appear awkward in social settings. This is their cross, because they are sincere and care deeply about their surroundings and the people in them. Familiarity is the answer. Give it time. They need to feel relaxed enough to feel valued as part of a group or relationship and then they shine in often quite amazing ways. Problem solving is their forte, and reliability, honesty, to a fault, they cannot cope with duplicity in others and would consider subterfuge a pure waste of time. And trust me, if you have diverted his attention from his work, then you are special to him. If you are attracted to him and want to deepen your relationship, then just be upfront and tell him you would like to share phone numbers, Maybe ask him to call you at a specific time, better still if you have a specific reason. This removes social uncertainty on his part and gives clear purpose. If he does not want to, he will likely tell you outright. Once he says he will do something he will. If you want to be part of his world then you need to take an interest in his work and also find other mutual interests. Once you have history together, he'll be fine. He may be a clam at casual social affairs, but get him on familiar ground and he'll shine. It can be a bit of a roe to hoe, but infinitely rewarding. Be prepared, when all that focus levels on you, it is likely to be totally and for keeps. Don't play games with this man. I wish you well.

This is the kind of troll I can get behind.

[lindalinda]

Thank you Gypsybell.
That is why I told him I would like to start as friends first, no pressure. He is much less nervous and relieved today.

Boy genius, singular subject focus, lacking social skills, but with manners, leadership and integrity. You are describing someone with possible borderline autism. This does not mean the person is mentally unstable, far from it. What it often does mean is that they have the ability to focus at genius level and often to the exclusion of everything else. They often don't have a naturally frivolous aspect and may appear awkward in social settings. This is their cross, because they are sincere and care deeply about their surroundings and the people in them. Familiarity is the answer. Give it time. They need to feel relaxed enough to feel valued as part of a group or relationship and then they shine in often quite amazing ways. Problem solving is their forte, and reliability, honesty, to a fault, they cannot cope with duplicity in others and would consider subterfuge a pure waste of time. And trust me, if you have diverted his attention from his work, then you are special to him. If you are attracted to him and want to deepen your relationship, then just be upfront and tell him you would like to share phone numbers, Maybe ask him to call you at a specific time, better still if you have a specific reason. This removes social uncertainty on his part and gives clear purpose. If he does not want to, he will likely tell you outright. Once he says he will do something he will. If you want to be part of his world then you need to take an interest in his work and also find other mutual interests. Once you have history together, he'll be fine. He may be a clam at casual social affairs, but get him on familiar ground and he'll shine. It can be a bit of a roe to hoe, but infinitely rewarding. Be prepared, when all that focus levels on you, it is likely to be totally and for keeps. Don't play games with this man. I wish you well.

[bulrush]

Wakeup, if you are a guy,

there are a million dating advices and books in the U.S. that tell "A woman should never initiate a call, never initiate a date never ...."

So how have those books worked out for you? Are you married yet?

I am learning from those books. If a guy has a keen interested in me, he knows whatever way to get me.

Then don't expect to get quality guys. You can expect to get guys that also play games, just like you. Games you got out of some arbitrary book.

That is what I recently learned from all those books. Plus, I have been very nice and sincere to guys in the past and they all took me for granted and treated me with no respect after a few months of dating. I am braking my own pattern from now on.

I'm sorry to hear that. You cannot change how they act, but you can change how you act, and which guys you choose to date. And which games you choose to play.

If there anything that you guys wonder, why girls behave like bitches. Well, we were trained to be like this by our previous relationships.
i am reading "why men marry bitches" now, a great book and learned a lot about male psychology.

Wrong. Women choose to be "bitchy" because they choose to date poor quality men that make them angry and frustrated. Again, you cannot change the men, so change WHO YOU DATE. Stop being so passive and stuck in the 1950s. No wonder you sound a bit angry in this post.

For $1 you can by my short book on dating and relationships. It will probably save you $1000s in therapy and avoid decades of bad relationships. Can you afford NOT to get it? For Kindle only, but there is free software to read Kindle ebooks for the Mac and Window.

-----

$.99: Dating and Relationship Basics [url]http://www.amazon.com/Dating-and-Relationship-Basics-ebook/dp/B005H3ZRE4/[/url]

If you are absolutely happy in your current relationship, and couldn't find a more perfect mate, stop here. You don't need this book. This book is for the rest of you.

This is not a "get laid" guide. It is for men and women seeking serious, long-term, fulfilling relationships. Use this guide to find your perfect match identifying and implementing basic elements of a relationship.

This will help you develop the skills necessary to find that "perfect match" for your best relationship. It covers skills such as communication, trust, and how to identify emotional baggage. It also talks about "core issues" that every couple should talk about in-depth before marriage, like money, sex, kids, religion, and children. It will show elements of healthy (and therefore, happy) relationships, and unhealthy relationships. If you are having trouble with relationships, read this, implement the changes, and discover how good couplehood can be.

[Gypsybell]

This is the kind of troll I can get behind.

Mathias, What is a Troll in cyber terms? Do you find me upsetting? I do not mean to be a negative contributor. I would value specific objections rather than blanket typing if I transgress. I hope to be friends with you all and help, rather than aggravate. Truce?

[Mathias]

Mathias, What is a Troll in cyber terms? Do you find me upsetting? I do not mean to be a negative contributor. I would value specific objections rather than blanket typing if I transgress. I hope to be friends with you all and help, rather than aggravate. Truce?

I don't find you upsetting at all.

[James Banes]

The problem is
I do not have a problem being chased, pursued and asked out by guys. The relationships were perfect in the beginning. Once I am nice and sincere to them, they are not nice to me, it happened a lot in the past and wasted many of my years.
What I am trying to do is getting THE nice and sincere one like myself. I only need one of them.

But Linda, I'm nice and sincere. Why haven't you noticed me?

[h6giga]

Linda, the way you handled the situation with the "Other plans" and cancelling like that was rather ungraceful, but you did have valid concerns that could have been taken care of with just a phone call. What is done is done though, focus now on what is to come.

The description Gypsybell posted of the character of the guy you are seeing is startlingly accurate, I believe. Attaching a stigmatic term like "Borderline Autism" is going a bit far, but I'm a very similar person. I have supreme confidence in myself, I'm extremely intelligent and talented. I'm a Medical student who is third in my class. I'm not necessarily awkward or shy around women specifically, but just people in general. There is just some innate difference in the way I think from other people, and I believe this man you're seeing is similar. Obvious social courtesies aren't quite as obvious, some people see my demeanor as "aloof" or "eccentric" and therefore rude or indifferent. That isn't the case at all and I've worked for years trying to bridge an empathetic gap between myself and other people.

Oh it can be done, for sure, but it is very difficult. I can say I have loved before with ferocious intensity. I didn't make a single move in the beginning stages of the relationship though because I never knew what the "next step" was and in fear of doing something incorrectly or wrong or too quickly resolved to simply be in the passenger seat. My advice - Keep going! Open up more, show him that you can place trust in him and he will do the same. I didn't initiate the first kiss or the first time being intimate but after I was able to bring this girl closer than being at a figurative arm's length I had no problems asserting myself or any concern with being shy. To elaborate more; it's very possible for this person you are seeing to love, but it is something that must be proven to this guy before he can give it to you. If you can prove you are worth it to him he will put himself out there regardless of consequence, regardless of what anyone in the world other than you thinks.

I can say it was an ecstatic and crystallizing moment when I first uttered the words "I love you" and knew what it meant, with all the connotations attached. He will be loyal, devoted, and will put his entirety into the relationship in every sense. As genius as he may be at his work, he can apply that drive, focus, intellect, and talent anywhere. Find out if he has any odd hobbies or skills, chances are he'll be proficient or even a master of many arts, some of which that take hours or even years of practice to hone. If something draws his attention and focus that object (or person) will get his full attention. I for one practiced just one magic trick until I was so flawless at its execution I used it at bars to get over my initial awkwardness - I wasn't necessarily confident that I would succeed in my endeavor to meet someone, but I was confident in my magic trick so I let myself shine through that. Really, find out his hobbies, I can almost promise you haven't heard of some of them, have seen most of them, and at least one will astound you. I took that drive, that almost insatiable hunger for improvement and mastery and applied it to my relationships once they got off the ground. What makes a "Geek" a "Geek?" Usually it's just a wide scope of uncommon abilities (things like being smart, or dexterous, or being experienced in real swordplay). Don't discount a person for being great at what they love to do, discount the person who loves to do what other people find great.

I took pilates and yoga classes so I could teach my girlfriend at the time exercises because she was initially too self-conscious to go to the gym herself. After she shed fifteen pounds through exercising with me and a diet I worked with her to construct she felt good about herself to where she would go to the gym herself. I put everything I had to give into that relationship, would have invented a way to move mountains if needed. The only pitfall was that she wasn't ready for that, she wasn't ready to be with someone who would give her the moon if she asked. She wanted something less serious and casual and so she did some very selfish and hurtful things which have haunted me for years now.

No matter what you do from here on out know this, you have a very powerful ally, friend, and potential lover vying for your affection in the best way he knows how. Don't let your lack of understanding ruin what could be exactly what you've always wanted. Get closer to this person, at least give it a try.

I feel for this person you're seeing, and I feel for you; extend yourself and ask him to do the same. Don't waste your time with any games, he either won't understand your intentions and misinterpret you or see through the veil of your deception and no longer want a person who is not genuine.

[lindalinda]

Thanks h6giga. After the initial difficulties. The communications are great so far. We are on the 5th date now.
Again, I am not playing games. I am looking for someone to settle.

[James Banes]

Thanks h6giga. After the initial difficulties. The communications are great so far. We are on the 5th date now.
Again, I am not playing games. I am looking for someone to settle.

Wow. You sound desperate.