why did she act the way she did? your opinion

[thunderheart]

Back in 1990 I met a beautiful young lady, I was 34 years old and she was 28. we saw each other frequently for about 2 years because we belonged to a 12 step program which required constant attendance. So we saw each other up to 5 times a week. I did not intentionally allow myself to have romantic thoughts about her because she seemed so far out of my league. She seemed unreachable and yet she seemed to find her way to where I stood frequently. So frequently, that one day I realized we were gravitating towards each other all the time and I also realized that I had fallen in love with her. I made the decision to tell her how I felt and her reply to me was that she could only offer her friendship at that time. Since then I found out that her " Sponsor " had given her strong direction to stay away from relationships. My response to her romantic rejection was that I would have to back away even from the friendship. I stopped going to the places I knew she attended and moved away from the area. We ran into each other in very odd situations and I understood that she had rejected me because she had no feelings for me.
I got married to a wonderful woman and raised a family ( I am now divorced) and life went on. In 2005 however I had a very odd encounter with her ( Tracy). We ran into each other at a big social event and when she saw me, she ran towards me and gave me a great hug which I returned. She looked very happy to see me. We pulled away from the crowd and spoke only to each other for about 45 minutes.Never mentioned husband or wife which I thought was very odd. Before going our separate ways I decided to apologize for pulling away from our friendship back in 1991-92. I said to her " I want to apologize for allowing my feelings for you to interfere with our friendship. She reacted instantly by turning around and almost running away from where we were. I called out to her but she kept walking away leaving me very confused and hurt. I wanted to put closure on any feelings I still had for her. Since then she refuses to speak to me and wont even hold my hands for prayer( last time we saw each other). please I need your feedback on why she acted this way with me. Up til 2005 I never would had thought that she had feelings for me all this time. Currently there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I truly love this woman and don't seem able to forget her. please advise.

[MerryH]

Odd reaction, for sure. But the more I read, "I want to apologize for allowing my feelings for you to interfere with our friendship," the more I'm seeing how that statement could have been taken the wrong way. She might not have realized that you were talking about the past. She might have thought you meant it more like, "I want to apologize (in advance) for allowing my feelings for you to interfere with our friendship." Or maybe she was just plain upset that you brought it up again.

It doesn't matter, though. Don't try to explain or apologize. It's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with you, for whatever reason. So you're going to have to respect that and move on.

Up til 2005 I never would had thought that she had feelings for me all this time.

Wait, what? Why do you think she has had feelings for you all this time?

[Zabs]

Hmm... Ok... Well you met in an environment which is conducive to support (bit like this really) however, 12 step plan is a structured programme that all participants follow. Now for this to be effective, each person has to identify particular issues that can collude with remaining alcohol dependant. A popular reason is unhelpful/co-dependant relationships. Now, at the end of the day, how realistic do you think it is to engage in a relationship with another individual who is travelling along the same healing process, without knowing 'where' they are on their journey? Could it be that the Sponsor was trying to support Tracy in sticking to her own tailored plan for recovery? Breaking destructive cycles is something that everyone has to learn to be fulfilled and happy.Perhaps she has been involved with a person in similar circumstances and it contributed to where she is now.

On the other hand, seeing you looking well? After such a long time, it is refreshing Thunder...because somany people don't complete their journey and end up 'in the Upper room' far sooner than intended. Could Tracy be happy that you made it? Could she shudder at the fact of where she's been and only want to focus on where she is going? Some people after trauma like to talk about their experiences. Other's don't.

Emotionally, I would suggest that you examine your own perspective on this and look a little deeper. As Merry pointed out...what made you think she had 'feelings' for you all this time? Perhaps you could look at what 'your' own needs are and start from there. Hope this helps....Zabs xx

[thunderheart]

Notice to all who responded.. I posted this question originally back in 2009 on a eHarmony advise forum. I posted it almost exactly verbatim and received exactly the same type of feedback. In reality I did not allow myself to be discouraged and thru a series of events I met with this woman again, reconnected, found out that the reason why she ran away that day was because indeed she was in love with me and had been since 1991. We are now both divorced and engaged to be married in January 2012. So there you go. The great wisdom of the collective dysfunctional deflated me but did not keep me from believing in the best possible outcome. And even if she had not been in love with me, I was never a stalker or delusional. JUST IN LOVE>

[MerryH]

Oh, cool, I'm glad I wasted my time trying to actually help you when you only wanted to prove some kind of point. Good show.

[thunderheart]

" It is better to love and hurt than to have never loved at all." Love is kind, patient, tolerant, forgiving,trusting and magical.

[MerryH]

Shut up. Just get out.

[thunderheart]

Let's face it . You would have loved to have been in her shoes and have a man love you in silence for 20 years and wait for you to come around. I am actually writing a book about it.

[MerryH]

I am actually writing a book about it.

lol.


__________

[thunderheart]

Some people read about romance. some people write about romance. some people live romance. I live them all. Thanks for being happy for me. You are a real class act.