Lack of sex - what do I do?

[chansonnoire]

I've been with my partner for a year now and we're both in our early 20s.

At first our sex was pretty good, but now it seems like we do it less and less. He initiates maybe once a month, and even when I initiate (which is almost always) he doesn't seem to want to do much except lay there passively and let me take charge. Even though I'm more the submissive type myself so its difficult for me to always initiate and always take charge, I told him that I'm willing to compromise with him and go on top 50% of the time. This of course is not happening, and he continues to be very passive and seemingly disinterested. We have sex maybe 2-3 times a week.

I've always considered myself to have a high sex drive. With past partners we'd have sex multiple times a day, and they'd always be interested in ****ing, no matter what. That was ideal for me. Now I feel like me and my partner have next to no sex life, and I feel undesired and unloved.

I asked him how much sex he had with previous partners, and he said it was around 3-4 times a day. He told me that since then his sex drive has decreased, but I wonder if there's just something wrong with me, if I just don't turn him on.

I've tried to talk to him about how little sex we have, and every time I do he gets really insecure and he seems to get even less interested afterwards. I don't mean to hurt him by bringing this up, I just want him to be aware of my needs so we can satisfy each other.

I've tried things like putting on porn, roleplaying, cuddling, toys, but nothing interests him. I don't know what else I could do, I'm starting to feel like our sex life is a lost cause and its only going to get worse from here.

I love this man more than anything. He is my best friend, my partner, my lover. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't think I can continue staying in a relationship that has no intimacy.

Is this a lost cause? Is there anything I can do revitalize our sex life? I'm in desperate need of advice!!

[HeartIsAching]

If he's telling the truth about his sex life in previous relationships (and he's not talking about short-term relationships), and he's under 40... he should see a doctor. That's a precipitous drop.

Try communicating with him as well... don't say things like "You always" or "You never". Use [URL="http://www.healthyliving.org/hpc/Articles/IStatements.html"]"I Statements"[/URL] when telling him what's bothering you.

[vashti]

Sex 2-3 times a week isn't at all unusual after a year of dating. Personally, I'd be more annoyed by his lack of effort.

[bombboy85]

I agree with heartisaching, he should see a doc it could be a lot of things like low testosterone. Does he seem depressed at all because that can absolutely destroy a sex drive.

[smackie9]

Are there other things changing with your relationship outside the bedroom?

[tremolo]

Sex 2-3 times a week isn't at all unusual after a year of dating. Personally, I'd be more annoyed by his lack of effort.

Yeah, if he doesn't have a testosterone problem and isn't on antidepressants, then I'd be inclined to think you have a lazy lover. Lazy lions are not good for girls like us...

[vashti]

People with testosterone issues (or are having side effects from antidepressants) don't usually have sex 2-3 times a week...

[qwertz]

3-4 times a day?! how did he find the time?!

[chansonnoire]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

He told me last night that his sex drive has gone down considerably compared to what it used to be. I realize that I personally have a very high sex drive and would prefer far above what the average person would (at least 2-3 times a day), but I'm wondering if its normal man in his early 20s to only want to have it a few times a week? I'm so used to guys wanting it literally all. the. time... so maybe there is something hormonal going on too.

He also told me last night that he's always been more passive during sex, that that's just how he is. I think the fact that we are both submissive is a huge factor in the quality and quantity of sex.

He also said something interesting last night. He told me that the biggest thing stopping him from being intimate is his insecurities. He says he feels like he isn't good enough for me, or that he can't please me sexually. I tend to be very open minded and enjoy discussions about sex and various kinks, but these conversations intimidate him and he interprets me being open to discussions as me not being fulfilled with our own sex life. This makes him not want to have sex.

What can I do about this? I try my best to show him that I love and appreciate him, and I always try my best to show him that I love our intimacy and am always satisfied by it (which I am). He had these insecurities before we started dating, and I feel like no matter what I say or do, he can't help but feel bad about himself. I just want us both to be happy, but I'm not sure how to go about that anymore.

[vashti]

I realize that I personally have a very high sex drive and would prefer far above what the average person would (at least 2-3 times a day), but I'm wondering if its normal man in his early 20s to only want to have it a few times a week? I'm so used to guys wanting it literally all. the. time...

His drive sounds within the range of normal. I am more surprised at YOUR drive. (And how you don't seem to have much else to do!!!)

If you have never before been with a guy who doesn't want it 2-3 times a day, I am guessing you haven't had many relationships that lasted very long. EVeryone wants to do it constantly when the relationship is new, but after the newness wears off and people become more confident about the availability of sex, the frequency usually declines.

[smackie9]

He is what he is...shy about talk of kink and such, so tone it down and praise him more during sex.....when you want to do things more over the top show him, or do things to him, make it fun that way instead of popping out porn and costumes. There are a lot of guys that are embarrassed about watching porn openly. When he gets older and matures he will eventually be more open to communicating about sex. Just be patient.

[smackie9]

His drive sounds within the range of normal. I am more surprised at YOUR drive.

If you have never before been with a guy who doesn't want it 2-3 times a day, I am guessing you haven't had many relationships that lasted very long. Everyone wants to do it constantly when the relationship is new, but after the newness wears off and people become more confident about the availability of sex, the frequency usually declines.

I would be more worried about chafing lol. I remember those days and how sore we got lol.

[romantic_guy]

See my post under "difference in desire." It may explain some of it. Does she feel emotionally intimate with you? A woman's desire for sex comes from the place of feeling emotionally intimate whereas a man gets emotional intimacy from sex. Do you give her plenty of non-sexual touch? Do you talk to her? Here is a great article regarding the need that women have for emotional intimacy: [url=http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm]intimacy in marriage[/url]

[smackie9]

See my post under "difference in desire." It may explain some of it. Does she feel emotionally intimate with you? A woman's desire for sex comes from the place of feeling emotionally intimate whereas a man gets emotional intimacy from sex. Do you give her plenty of non-sexual touch? Do you talk to her? Here is a great article regarding the need that women have for emotional intimacy: [url=http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm]intimacy in marriage[/url]

Dude you didn't even read any of this thread....spamming loser.

[romantic_guy]

Smackie9...thanks for pointing this out because I would have never realized my mistake.

I am SOOOO sorry!! My bad!!! I was obviously distracted when I read the original post!!! I guess I mixed up he/she because this scenario is so often the other way around. I Just don't want to be accused of being a "spamming loser" here; it was an honest mistake.

I think the advice about praising him is good. Since you indicated that you are having orgasms during sex so tell him how good it is and how much you enjoy it. Would he give you oral when he didn't really want to have sex? At 56, I am "one and done" but I will give my wife as many orgasms as she wants that way. Maybe you can suggest reading a book together. "The Guide to Getting It On" is a pretty good one. There are many more. You might also compromise on the frequency. Instead of 2-3 times a day, maybe once a day, or 5 times a week instead of 3. Those are a few suggestions, but I think telling him how hot he is, how much you want him, how great a lover he is may do the most.

Like I have already said, this issue is most often the other way around, but the principles that would help a guy with a woman who does not desire sex as much don't really work in the reverse. If he has serious self-esteem issues, he may need to get professional help. Is he this way about other aspects of his life or is it just about his relationship with you?