Cool, Charismatic, and Confident.. What am I doing wrong?

[AlexD]

Hi ladies.. Thought I'd post here to see what's so messed up about my relationship problems. Well anyways, I have absolutely no problem approaching girls anywhere, having a few dates, getting the kiss, and other sexual things. But, for some reason.. After two weeks these girls eventually grow cold on me. I genuinely enjoy meeting new people and each person has a fascinating thing about them. I have great conversation skills and always tend to lead on the date. I'm rather spontaneous and I like to joke around a lot. I also am in college full time work part time and plan on going to grad school in the future.

I have a bunch of girls who are friends of mine, and even they don't know what my problem is. They all tell me I'm a pretty handsome guy, I dress well, and I seem super confident.

Some things that may factor into my "problems"...

- I was raised by my mother.. Father was in and out of jail for most of my youth into early adolescence. Father was also abusive.
- I had very low self esteem most of my life as a result of verbal and physical abuse from my father. I was overweight when I was very young and he would call me fat to my face (terrible thing for a 7 year old kid) I would often not eat lunch at school hoping I would lose weight if I recall.
- Later on in junior high I developed acne. I still have some acne, but not nearly as severe. This really affected my self esteem since both girl and boy class mates teased me on it.
- Most of my mother's side of the family often talks down on men (most divorced), it has been something that has affected my self esteem for a while.
- Had almost no dating experience in highschool. I had one girlfriend for a month, then she left me. The next year I had a girlfriend again for 2 weeks but I wasn't really into her so I broke it off.
- Got into college and was very shy and reserved, didn't make many friends and didn't care to. I had a big social group back home. (I changed this thought process about a year ago when I moved out on my own for the first time. I did a complete 180)

Now I'm a pretty successful guy, I have looked past all of these things that have affected my psyche negatively throughout my life. I'm a very positive person and shoot for the best. I also play in a rock band that has toured through a few different countries which has pretty big notoriety in my hometown.

I just don't get why the girls I date go cold on me after a few weeks? Some of them even tell me I'm incredibly amazing, had another girl tell me she loves me, and another girl told me I was the best boyfriend she ever had only to leave me without a word 5 days later (We had scheduled a date and she just said she couldn't come, I called her a few times and eventually she picked up.. I said "Hey is something on your mind? I'm kinda concerned, you seem different lately." She just told me "It's over" and hungup. I took her word for it.)

Maybe I'm just an ugly guy? I 100% honestly think I'm pretty handsome.. Maybe they just find someone better looking, but I know I'm WAY more adventurous and fun than most guys out there.

Just looking for some insight here. My female friends say all the girls I date are insane to leave me, but maybe my female friends are just saying that because they don't want me to stop hanging out with them.

[sтαяıιgнт]

I'm sorry but i don't know what it is. You seem like a guy everyone would fall for. Maybe every girl you'e dated is a player?

[AlexD]

I'm sorry but i don't know what it is. You seem like a guy everyone would fall for. Maybe every girl you'e dated is a player?

Well most girls I've dated tend to be the types of girls that can make a guy do whatever they want by the snap of their fingers and can probably get guys that are A LOT better looking than me. The thing is, I'm probably a tiny bit above average looking, but no matter how "hot" a girl is, I don't cater to their every request like I'm some kind of butler. After a while they just go cold on me, then I say to them "Hey haven't heard from you in a while, is something on your mind?" Because I genuinely care about them.. Maybe they think that's me being clingy? No clue whatsoever.

[sтαяıιgнт]

I don't see why a girl should think of you being clingy. It's probably because you didn't do what they wanted. That's most likely why they dump you. Good luck finding someone

[Tanguerra]

Hmmmm. I think there are a couple of things I would do to approach this.

1. Have you asked the girls why they broke up with you? If you've still got any of their numbers (particularly if it's one from a little while ago and there are no hard feelings) you could just meet for a coffee and ask her for some advice? Maybe there's an annoying habit you have that you're not aware of but the girls didn't want to hurt your feelings? Try to listen with open ears and not get offended. If you've got bad breath or something, you want to know, right?

2. Beauty is only skin deep. Being good looking is not enough on its own to make someone a good person or an appropriate partner. This goes for the girls you've been dating as well as for you. If you value looks over personality, kindness, honesty, integrity, sense of humour, etc, you might keep hooking up with girls who are just shallow (maybe not too bright if you really are a great looking, nice, positive guy). They might be the kind of girls who just want you to buy them things and tag along with them for 'show' but will move on the minute someone richer or taller or whatever comes along? Maybe you should change your 'type' and seek out someone with internal beauty, even if only more modest looks? It's what inside that counts really. Do you usually meet girls in bars or at parties? Why not join a book club or dance class or something where you might meet a different type of girl?

3. Keep looking. Keep improving. Keep being positive and keep being you. You've obviously had a lot of issues to deal with in your life, any one of which would damage most people's confidence and sense of self worth. Remember to love yourself and respect yourself and don't hook up with someone until you're sure they're interested in having a meaningful relationship. There's worse things than being single. In between relationships take a good long break and work on doing something for yourself. Maybe learn a language or go on a trip. Learn to be happy and comfortable in your own skin (without the need to boast about it or show off which might come across as arrogant or conceited). Most women find that quality of quiet self confidence irresistible in a man, at least the ones who are worth dating do.

4. When you do find a girl who's worth the effort, appreciate her. You say you 'won't do things for girls like a butler'. Sometimes girls will ask you to do something for them to show that you care. Sometimes it's a test. Obviously you shouldn't let them boss you around, but doing little things for a woman can be a nice way to build trust and mutual care. Watch a couple of 'chick flicks' - romantic comedies - and you'll get the idea of what girls like and how the ideal fantasy man behaves. See if you can adjust your actions to be a bit more like the guy who gets the girl in those films, not always the guy who loses the girl?