Changed feelings - not sure if I'm interested now ...

[GirlOne]

About a month ago I posted about how I liked this shy guy in my group of ex-work colleagues.

Basically I was attracted to this shy guy when we worked together, he didn't feel the same and I'm getting over it. He wasn't a player and he didn't lead me on, he's single. There was some friendship there.

Our whole work group finished the project and we've gone our separate ways. However, the whole work group of guys and girls like to meet up about once a month to catch up news, have a beer etc.

Half the group hasn't found jobs and are getting despondent (including I think the shy guy I fancied).

Some of the group have been contacting me asking me what I'm up to and about meeting up again.

Here's the rub: I spent a lot of time organising the last social event where some of the group didn't bother turning up/bombed out at the last moment (including the shy guy as he had something better on).

The others are kind of suggesting I organise another event or we meet up, but I feel let down. The last time took weeks to organise to pick a day when everyone could make it. I picked a venue which was cheap, easy to get to for everyone. Also, people were emailing around saying they miss everyone and really wanted to meet in the weeks beforehand and they were excited about meeting up.

I'm thinking if you really miss people and want to meet up, you make the effort to meet up.

The social event before the last one also had a low attendance (although the shy guy was there and we had a good time, so I was happy). That was organised by one of the guys. When I offered to organise the last one the other guy organiser was happy and grateful, obviously he felt the same as I did - went to a lot of effort, talking up the social event and not that many turned up.

My issue now is one of the girls in the group: she was one who was insisting she missed everyone and wanted to meet, and said she could make the night. In the end she never turned up. I called her on the night and she never returned the call or the email a few days later asking how she was etc and I sent her another email a week after that.

Now this girl has contacted me after a month saying sorry she's ignored my texts/emails as she's been busy and changed jobs and she wants to meet up me one-on-one (on her terms).

I'm thinking she's plain rude for standing me up (there were 6 other people who turned up on the night, so I wasn't alone, although she had no idea how many people would turn up) and also she ignored several emails asking how she was.

When I said had I done something wrong, she said of course not, and she never turned up on the night before as she was working overtime (I understand that).

However, I tend to think however busy you are, you can still text to say you can't make it. Also, I know she's not that busy.

In a funny way, I more annoyed at her attitude that the guy I liked not coming, at least he emailed the day before to say he couldn't make it.

Incidentally, the shy guy has been completely silent and I haven't contacted him for about a month, as I sent him several emails and didn't get a reply, so I thought if a guy is keen he will chase, which he hasn't. I'm assuming that's it with the shy guy. Although he might be keeping silent as he doesn't have a job so doesn't want to meet as he doesn't have too much money/doesn't want people asking what's he up to when he's unemployed and finding it tough getting a job.

Thus, I'm feeling like I can't be bothered with this group if they are half-hearted about meeting up, yet always say they really want to meet up and they miss everyone.

I have other groups of friends and they say they really want to meet up and it's simple, we meet up.

Am I right to think I'm let down/messed about? or am I blowing it out of proportion?

[smackie9]

There's a saying my mom uses when she gets upset about something: Be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and to have the wisdom to know the difference...You are wasting your time wondering what is going on with these people. You don't work together anymore, you have a new job where there are new people to make friendships with.......learn to just accept it and move forward from it.

[GirlOne]

Thanks.

Well, it's true we no longer work together. However, our work group had such a laugh and good times that it seems a shame to let it fade away.

I don't mind making the effort at all.

I don't know why I'm annoyed about the girl who didn't bother to turn up on the night. Even if she was doing overtime at work a quick text to say she can't make it was all it needed. Over the month I sent her one or two emails asking how she was, which she didn't reply to. Now that it's convenient for her, she wants to meet up, which I regard as selfish behavior.

The guy who did the organising last time suggested me and another person go on holiday with him next year, so there is the friendship there.

Another girl in the group has suggested a house party once she gets a job, so we all get on well.

Maybe I'm over-thinking this and the rest of the group are more casual about meeting up than I am.

For me, when I say I'm turning up to stuff. I turn up. Also, if I can't make something on the night (rare I would let someone down), I text the organiser to say sorry I can't make it.

[oldskool83]

im not friends with people outside of work....its pointless. shy guy is not into you for whatever the reason, when we are into someone you know pretty much istantly and we kinda tell ya also.

move along now, nothing to see here.

[GirlOne]

lol. Thanks.

Yeh, I realised the shyguy wasn't interested. I'm done with him.

However, the girl's attitude ... when we worked together we were chatting a lot and quite friendly. She seems to blow hot and cold when it suits her - wanting to meet up when it's convenient for her on her own terms. I'm more annoyed by her attitude than the shy guy who at least told people he wasn't turning up.

I tend to make friends with work colleagues (not all of them, just a few I get along with). Your work area is a small world - everyone knows everyone even in the future, so it's best not to burn bridges, as you never know when you will see these people again. Also, we were working very long hours together and we socialised after work, whilst we were working together, so it wasn't a case (as is fairly normal) where people do the work, with the occasional water-cooler chat, then disappear home after work. Our group socialised all the time after work, that's why I'm a little sad about it ...

[oldskool83]

i cant help on the women, she seems to have sand in her vag or somthing.

[smackie9]

Stop dwelling on the negative and focus on the good things in your life, new job, the people that do show up and the new friendships you are going to make. It's my way of saying, get over it.

[GirlOne]

i cant help on the women, she seems to have sand in her vag or somthing.

???? LOL ... :-D

yeh, I'm not too worried about this girl, as there are other girls and boys in our work group. Also, this girl knows I can help her career out, (I don't need anything from her), so you'd think someone who wants favors in the future, should be trying to impress me, so I help her out in a tough job market, not (what I consider) jerking me around and only meeting up on her terms, when it's convenient time/place for her.

Thanks, you made me laugh out loud :-)

[GirlOne]

Thanks, this is wise advice.

Usually in my life I'm very busy and I've moved around a lot so I make friends with everyone and the people who stay in contact with me, I reciprocate and people who don't bother to reply after I make an effort, I fade out. Simple.

Consequently lots of people have passed through my life, that I'm no longer in contact with, not a problem as I have a lot of different friends.

However, I was chatting to a good friend recently who still maintained friendships from when she was 10, whereas my friendships are a bit scattered. Also, sometimes friends have gone through different stages of their lives and I've lost contact, for instance, a friend got married and had children whilst I was single and going out clubbing and I initially kept in contact for a while, but then I moved, lost her contact details etc etc. I really liked her as a person and our friendship was fine and didn't have a problem with her never going out when I was out every night, just that I was too busy with other things and the friendship drifted. Now we've lost contact. So philosophically, I wonder if I should have made more of an effort in the past with friendships. Now the past is the past, fine, but now I think have I learned my lesson, so should I make more of an effort with my recent friends, otherwise at the end of my life the only friends I'll have is some old dears sitting next to me in the retirement home ...

Also, in the past, people have asked if I want to go out, and I've turned them down as I was too shy (unbelievable now, as I'm so extrovert lol, but at the time I was super-shy and grateful for the invite out and they'd thought of me) and also I've turned down nights out (in the past) because I was unemployed and had pennies to survive on, so going out was out of the question, although my pride meant that I replied I was too busy, rather than the real reason which was I was totally poor. I know my friends would have paid for the drinks etc, but I didn't want to owe anybody anything, so I turned down the invite.

[smackie9]

As your life changes so do your friends. You out grow them, or they shift gears into a different way of life, etc. I have a GF that I have known all my life, even she shifts gears and exits my life from time to time.