Am I wrong? Need some advice please.

[BLR88uK]

Hello everybody,

First time user of anything like this, but after a recent argument with my girlfriend I thought it would be best to get some outside comments on the situation.

First off you may need a little back story. Through or relationship there has been quite a few down. With possible cheating from her side (Found messages to an ex saying she loved him and then lied about where she was one afternoon) Also being made to feel worthless and unloved over the nearly 4 years together.Even more so when she has had messages with boys, but refused that she has spoken to them and then asked her mates to cover for her. Along with many many lies, but to many to detail.

The current thing is over a old friend of hers. A little while back, a gay friend of hers and her fell out. During the time her friend said some nasty things to her (Saying she lied about being molested as a child) and he also insulted myself quite badly. Recently she has started to talk to him again, and at first I was like "I don't care, do whatever but I don't want anything to do with him" but after saying this they became like best mates ages with constant chatter over phone and facebook. Upon seeing this it made me quite mad how she could be so friendly with someone who insulted her like he did, and even if she wanted to forgive him how she could chat with someone who insulted her boyfriend. And her talking to him is making me feel bad and worthless like she doesn't have my corner.

So as I talk to her about it, she begins sticking up for him saying "Oh he's said sorry now" (she says that's not sticking up for him) and then calling me stubborn because I am not willing to forgive him. She then goes on to say that he has said sorry for everything but I then see the actaull message and he says sorry to her (Sorry to you) not to me, or for the other things. And even now she says that she seen that as a sorry for everything, including me even though it says to her. But through the whole chat about it she repeated that I am being a child, that I have a warped sense of what a lie is (I call something a lie when someone tells me something that isn't true even though they know it's not) So as it stands now, I refused to budge (For once) and ended the relationship. I ended it not just because of what happened now, but everything all together. And I refused to be in a relationship with someone who only puts how they feel first, and puts the other persons feeling on the sidebench. Also not to be with someone who would continiu a relationship with an old friend that insulted the partner.

Now I know I can be a little rash, but what do you other people think or this situation?

*Edit* Once i told her she can do what she likes with talking to him. But after that I told her (Camlmly ) how I was feeling after seeing the actually interaction to not talk to him, or to at least not be so chummy. Also it was off my own back that I said at first I had no problem. She never asked me, it was me who came to her.

[bloodtippedrose]

This isn't about this guy friend. Or how he insulted you and how shes taking his side.. It's about so much more. You've been her personal doormat for the last four years now? The relationship went sour the first text to her ex you saw. There was a huge loss of trust on both sides. You should not have been snooping or have had the need to snoop through her things, and she pretty much emotionally cheated on you by telling her ex she loved him.

She had some sort of social or love need not being met by you alone, why else would she seek out the attention of other men? It's extremely inconsiderate for her to not have let you go if you weren't doing it for her, and it's a shame you continued to let yourself feel used and like crap. Her reunion with her old friend is what tipped the iceberg, you weren't being rash on that one thing, you were acting out for the whole relationship of her showing attention to other people without your consent and her being completely selfish.

Did you do the right thing by breaking up? Yes, and you should have done it sooner. The two of you were not compatible. Do not let yourself go soft for her again (she obviously has a way with old flames and friends getting to like her). You need to continue to be strong for yourself and find someone who will show you respect. And never let yourself get treated like a doormat again.

[GaryUranga]

I agree with bloodtippedrose you cant kepe being a doormat.

At some point in relationships we all just want to hold on to that "sure thing" and start basically disrespecting ourselves.

Funny because, the reason people actually become "doormats" is because we've made it clear for our partners that we value the relationship more than we value ourselves

[Bridie]

I agree with what has been said so far. I have been there and done that with my son's father. Good for you for breaking it off. It may hurt now, but you'll hardly even think about her when you have taken the time to heal yourself. Be confident and know that you are worth more than the cost of a doormat. You're priceless, not worthless. anyone who treats you as being worthless isn't worth your effort.

[Tanguerra]

Hmmm. I have to admit it doesn't look good. Let's leave the alleged lying and possible cheating aside for a moment though.

The surface disagreement about her friend in my view should not even be a source of discord in the first place. She should be able to have whatever friends she wants, even if those friends of hers don't like you. Even if those friends of hers say mean things about you, that's not nice, but it doesn't mean they can't still be friends. That's annoying, but it's allowed. She ought to say to her friend 'now, that's not nice. You shouldn't speak about my boyfriend like that', but it doesn't mean she has to break the whole friendship off over it. The fact that she had a fight with her friend, but then they worked it out after an apology, is actually I think rather sweet and is certainly 100% none of your business. Being big enough to accept and apology is a good thing, not a bad thing. People do dumb stuff all the time. We're human. It happens. If someone apologises and says they won't do it again, that should be the end of the matter 90% of the time.

"Through or relationship there has been quite a few down. With possible cheating from her side (Found messages to an ex saying she loved him and then lied about where she was one afternoon) Also being made to feel worthless and unloved over the nearly 4 years together.Even more so when she has had messages with boys, but refused that she has spoken to them and then asked her mates to cover for her. Along with many many lies, but to many to detail."

As for all this stuff, according to you she's been sneaking around behind your back getting up to all sorts of mischief, but let's just do a quick reality check... This is just to help you see the other side of the story for a minute from a 'chick perspective' if you like. It takes two to tango after all.

Are you perhaps being a bit controlling? WHY are you reading her text messages? Maybe she does still love her 'ex'? I still love a couple of my exes - just not in 'that way' any more. After all, we broke up because it wasn't 'working' for whatever reason, not usually because I just didn't like them any more. There is one in particular I sometimes say '"luv ya xx"' or whatever at the end of a text message. I do love him. I love him like a brother. He's one of my best mates. That's cool. Anyone who was so insecure that they couldn't handle me being friends with him wouldn't last long with me. If they were so controlling they said I couldn't be friends with him any more they'd be shown the door quick smart.

WHY are you making her account for her whereabouts all the time, so that if she goes 'missing' one afternoon you suspect she's having an affair? How do you know she didn't go to the gynecologist or something and didn't think that was any of your business? Does she have a right to her own life? I'm just saying, there are two sides to every story and sometimes a perfectly innocent explanation for things.

However, I assume you know this woman quite well after four years.

You say things haven't been too good for a while though. 'There have been a lot of downs' and you feel worthless and unloved. Have you tried discussing this with her? Or do you just trudge on bravely and hope that things will improve? What have you been doing lately to make things better between you? Does she ever complain to you about what she wants you to do, like take her out more often, or be more romantic or that kind of thing? Maybe instead of focussing on trying to control her and make her behave the way you want (especially in terms of who she's allowed to be friends with) you could put a bit more energy into being nicer to her, more attentive, more romantic - you know, doing stuff that girls like? This might help?

Before you just give up on a four year relationship over something that really is a bit of a frivolous issue on a scale of one to ten, maybe it's time for a little outside help even, from a counsellor so you can get both sides of the 'story' worked out by a third party?

Just a few thoughts. Hope it helps.

[BLR88uK]

Hmmm. I have to admit it doesn't look good. Let's leave the alleged lying and possible cheating aside for a moment though.

The surface disagreement about her friend in my view should not even be a source of discord in the first place. She should be able to have whatever friends she wants, even if those friends of hers don't like you. Even if those friends of hers say mean things about you, that's not nice, but it doesn't mean they can't still be friends. That's annoying, but it's allowed. She ought to say to her friend 'now, that's not nice. You shouldn't speak about my boyfriend like that', but it doesn't mean she has to break the whole friendship off over it. The fact that she had a fight with her friend, but then they worked it out after an apology, is actually I think rather sweet and is certainly 100% none of your business. Being big enough to accept and apology is a good thing, not a bad thing. People do dumb stuff all the time. We're human. It happens. If someone apologises and says they won't do it again, that should be the end of the matter 90% of the time.

"Through or relationship there has been quite a few down. With possible cheating from her side (Found messages to an ex saying she loved him and then lied about where she was one afternoon) Also being made to feel worthless and unloved over the nearly 4 years together.Even more so when she has had messages with boys, but refused that she has spoken to them and then asked her mates to cover for her. Along with many many lies, but to many to detail."

As for all this stuff, according to you she's been sneaking around behind your back getting up to all sorts of mischief, but let's just do a quick reality check... This is just to help you see the other side of the story for a minute from a 'chick perspective' if you like. It takes two to tango after all.

Are you perhaps being a bit controlling? WHY are you reading her text messages? Maybe she does still love her 'ex'? I still love a couple of my exes - just not in 'that way' any more. After all, we broke up because it wasn't 'working' for whatever reason, not usually because I just didn't like them any more. There is one in particular I sometimes say '"luv ya xx"' or whatever at the end of a text message. I do love him. I love him like a brother. He's one of my best mates. That's cool. Anyone who was so insecure that they couldn't handle me being friends with him wouldn't last long with me. If they were so controlling they said I couldn't be friends with him any more they'd be shown the door quick smart.

WHY are you making her account for her whereabouts all the time, so that if she goes 'missing' one afternoon you suspect she's having an affair? How do you know she didn't go to the gynecologist or something and didn't think that was any of your business? Does she have a right to her own life? I'm just saying, there are two sides to every story and sometimes a perfectly innocent explanation for things.

However, I assume you know this woman quite well after four years.

You say things haven't been too good for a while though. 'There have been a lot of downs' and you feel worthless and unloved. Have you tried discussing this with her? Or do you just trudge on bravely and hope that things will improve? What have you been doing lately to make things better between you? Does she ever complain to you about what she wants you to do, like take her out more often, or be more romantic or that kind of thing? Maybe instead of focussing on trying to control her and make her behave the way you want (especially in terms of who she's allowed to be friends with) you could put a bit more energy into being nicer to her, more attentive, more romantic - you know, doing stuff that girls like? This might help?

Before you just give up on a four year relationship over something that really is a bit of a frivolous issue on a scale of one to ten, maybe it's time for a little outside help even, from a counsellor so you can get both sides of the 'story' worked out by a third party?

Just a few thoughts. Hope it helps.

Hiya,

Just a small response and a thank you all for your replies. It's never been about checking her phone, but I will admit since the first time finding that message (And that was she left it on her laptop screen and I went on to check cinema times with her telling me to, she must of forgot it was on) I have checked her phone, and though it may not be right, it felt right as I was worried things where taken further than a few messages. As for the missing one afternoon, she still lives at home and told me she was heading out to sainsburys with her father. A couple of hours later, I called her house phone and her farther answered and said he didn't know where she was, and hadn't seen her all day. This happened a week after finding her message to an ex where she wanted to meet up with him. So I'm sure you can understand why I would pair the two up?

I've discussed all of this with her many times, and each time she breaks down crying and says sorry and that she will change. And she does change for a week or two, but then it goes back to normal. I don't understand why she does this to me, because I do everything for her. But even though we have had our downs, and it's always me thats the hurt party, it's also me whp picks up the pieces and fixes it.

But you're right, there is two sides of a story and I have always made sure to act on facts, not what I "Think". Again, like the going missing the week after confessing love to her ex and asking to meet up.

As for the friend thing, I must has I hold a different opinion than you do. I can understand your reasoning for a small time relationship, but once together for 4 years, and planning on kids and so on and so on. They you expect your partner to have your back. It's one thing a friend not liking you, it's another when a friend of your partner is openly insulting you to other people, just just your partner.

[Tanguerra]

Yes. I agree, it is disrespectful and rude of her friend to insult you. It is spiteful and mean and hurtful and he really shouldn't do it. But, it's about him, not about you. Gay men (sorry to be a bit stereotypical here) can sometimes say all kinds of 'bitchy' things. They think it's funny. It's not funny if it's about you though and I agree that your partner should be on your side and 'have your back'. Absolutely. But, this is perhaps something you could discuss with the guy directly, rather than trying to dictate to your partner what she's allowed to do and not allowed to do? Women don't like being bossed around on the whole any more than men do.

Perhaps you could speak to the guy and say 'Hey buddy, if you've got a problem with me, why don't we talk about it? Do I do something that annoys you? Maybe I could work on that?..." Maybe the guy was just making a joke and didn't realise he'd really hurt your feelings? Maybe there's something you could both learn from this?

You have the opportunity to be the 'big guy' here rather than whiny or bossy. That's much more attractive to most women I can think of.

Just a suggestion. Hope it helps.

[devonbrown]

You made the right decision to break up, but for the wrong reason. The friend of hers that didn't apologize to you directly? That is not a reason to break up with her. You think she didn't "haveyour back" but it was her friend, not yours. So if she accepted his apology, then that was the end of it for her. To try to make her make her friend apologize directly to you would actually be a little weird. If she was okay with his apology, then that's the end of that situation. You were just pushing it beyond its natural life.

But I agree that you were acting the doormat for her for years. Also, you have severe trust issues with her. No relationship can really grow without trust.

I have a feeling that the relationship "ended" quite a long time ago but you two have been hanging onto things for a long time out of fear of being alone or something.

Trust me, it is better for both of you to be apart.

Good luck.