How Can My GF Get Over Her Ex

[dario4]

My GF and I have been together for 6 months. She split up with her 6 year ex during our first days.

The problem is that all this time she's missed him and still does. She often asks herself (and discusses with me) whether i'm right, whether she should go back, whether she made the right decision being with me. She's often sad and often talks about him. I understand he was very important to her. She truly did love him, but in the end she left him because the relationship came to rot and die over the last 3 years due to the fact it was a long distance relationship, his total lack and degradation of affection, and how he prioritised her beneath his career and excluded her from any personal and relational plans and projects.

She left him because she saw that I was totally in love with her and that the story came to rot and die. But she is now still missing him. She is confused because she tells me she misses him badly and is unhappy, but at the same time tells me that the love I give her is perfect and she loves me too and cares for me very much.

When we discuss about this, I tell her I totally love her but if she wants to leave me I understand, and I will let her. I even give her advice by telling her she can contact her ex any time to express how she feels and get his answer. At least this way if he wants her back and is willing to change, she CAN go back, but if he says no, she knows where she is. I tell her not to worry about me, to leave me and go back to him because I am obviously not making her happy, or am not loved as much as she loved him. Even if we argue beforehand about the source of our unhappyness, she always softens and returns to me emotionally when I try to let her go for her own good.

I used to be far more possessive of her a few months ago. Not accepting the possibility of leaving her. But now I don't see any point to that. I love her so much that I am prepared to lose her.

My complaint is that obviously this all hurts me. I am often sad because she still doesn't know what to do. I feel obstructed and although she sais my love is perfect and exactly what she wants, but I know (and she admits) that this is nothing compared to what is behind the obstacle. She loves me, but not fully, and she admits this.

What can we do?

[Tanguerra]

Your girlfriend is still in grief over her previous relationship. If they were together for six years it will take (on average) about a year to get over it completely. Many people make the 'mistake' of launching into a new relationship before they are fully over the previous one. That's OK. Sometimes that can work out fine. But grief is a tricky process and it's important to remember, it's not about you. It's about her. It's about her feelings of loss that have not yet had time to heal over. In an ideal world you would have met her about a year after the break up, once she'd had time to process it all properly. But we don't live in an ideal world, we live in this one. So, this is the situation you are faced with. What to do?

If you really love her, just love her. It's simple. Just be there for her. Listen to her talk about the problem by all means, but you don't have to let it dominate your life as well as hers. It's not actually your problem to fix anyway, it's hers. If she starts talking about it a lot, just gently listen for a little while (without trying to fix it, make it stop or change the subject). Give her half an hour or so to just lament (whine, complain, reminisce etc). Then quietly change the subject. Then talk about something else. Something 'neutral' is good. Maybe put on a movie or some music or go out or do something else just to try to 'switch channels'. Eventually, if you keep doing this - first the listening then the 'something else' - the wound will heal. Then she will start to think (all by herself) "Wait a minute. What am I doing talking about this other guy that didn't work out when there is another, much nicer guy right here right now with me, loving me, being sweet and kind to me, taking care of me, being here with me, showing concern for me...' That's what women want. It's not really all that complex when you get down to it.

In short, give it some time. Be patient. If you really love her, just support her and show her you are a great guy. She'll figure it out soon enough.

[dario4]

Should I suggest to her that in order to help clear her mind, she should contact her ex and express herself and help resolve the confusion?

[Tanguerra]

Good suggestion. After all, it's their problem, not yours.