He rather not tell me everything

[vx8550]

So I'm in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend told me he rather not tell me things (i guess such as, chilling with a girl) because he's afraid I will overreact.

I asked what's better, to not tell me things and I find out the hard way and get mad more or you telling me anyway? All he could say was, "it's a lose-lose situation."

So I guess you could say, he is/can be hiding secrets from me. If he lies to me, then our relationship is built on lies, am I right or no?
If he's not going to tell me stuff, that means I can't trust him even more now.

Please give me your thoughts, advice, or anything!

[searock]

I agree with you - he should TELL THE TRUTH no matter what, as soon as possible. Tell him this is your firm stance and you are not going to have it any other way. So if he still lies to you, you'll know he isn't to be trusted. This way it's like he asked you permission to lie, and you're letting him get away with it!

[sadie_genie]

Yup. He should be honest with you. Hiding things is as bad as lying. Trust and honesty is important especially if it is long distance.

[oneandonly]

Did you give any reason why he felt it's a lose lose situation? I mean, if there is no issue between you two and when you regularly talk to each other with 'what you two have been up to', it's only natural to mention what he's been up to or/and with whom.

He would feel a lose lose situation if he thinks you overreacted or he actually hangs out with someone inappropriately. If there is complete trust between you two, either of you should feel 'whether he/you should mention this or that'. You two should feel VERY comfortable talking about each other's routines and encounters....

[Twiz]

My boyfriend once told me something similar (I was 17 at the time and he was 16 when this happened). One time two summers ago he wanted to make new friends. It all started when he started texting some girl. When I was there and he'd be texting her, one time he said "It's *insert girl's name, my cousin". I thought, "he doesn't have a cousin by that name!" so to me it was weird. Then one day when I went up to my aunt's he met up with this girl who he didn't even know and went to her house. I didn't know what happened, he stopped texting me as soon as he got there and then 20 minutes later I got a text from the girl saying "guess who is next to me". I was so angry and confused because that day my boyfriend told me he was going to see his friend George, but that means of course he lied and instead was going to hang out with some random girl! I asked what happened to seeing George and he said "He never got back to me so I went to *insert girl's name*'s house. I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he thought I would be mad or get upset if he had told me. Which I then told him it's worse when he doesn't tell me because then he's lying to me, and especially since he suddenly stopped talking to me that day it seemed so suspicious. Although, he said they didn't do anything but watch sci-fi movies, but still. It was awful and awkward and made me upset even though he claims he "didn't want to hurt my feelings" honestly not telling me was worse. He said he'd never lie to me again like that but ever since then I wonder if he does when it comes to seeing other people. Because when he hangs out with other people/friends he rarely tells me. We talk regularly and see each other a good amount of time during the week but for example, a couple weeks ago he was with his I guess two guy friends and he didn't mention it, but last night he mentioned how when he was hanging out with them the stuff they did and I asked "when did you see them?" to which he said "two weeks ago". And that happened another time too where he went out but didn't mention anything about it. Not like him seeing his friends is a big deal, I want him to socialize with his friends too, but I don't want him to fear telling me he's with his friends would result in some "overreaction" because it wouldn't and it's odd he'd assume that. It comes down to honesty and trust. Your boyfriend shouldn't be afraid to tell you things even if he thinks it would make you jealous or upset or whatever. Lying is a million times worse and only leads to distrust.