My story...

[chiamarie23]

Fair warning, this is gonna be REALLY long.. or at least I think it might be... Guess we'll see. (Might I add I'm going to be very blunt with every last bit of it.)

Alright, so let me start from the VERY beginning here. I grew up in Michigan, moved to Indiana when I was 18. When I was almost 3 I found my cousin Daniel dead in his bed, I still hear my mom tell stories about how Daniel, Drew (my brother) and I were inseparable as babies. At almost 13 I lost my grandfather and was not emotionally strong enough to go to South Carolina for his funeral. At 14 I was raped by a guy I'd known since I was 4 years old. He lived across the street from me in MI, was supposed to be my best friend and the only one who was nice to me at school... and he raped me before moving to Florida. I was too scared to tell anyone, so he got away with it. I'd had countless broken relationships, but one specifically stands out in my mind that started when I was in 7th grade. The guy is now my ex fiance, and has been since May of 2008. His name is Kristopher. He moved with my mom and I here to Indy on his birthday (Feb 8th, 2008.. 2 days after my brother's birthday), then in May he decided that he was moving back to MI. He left on Easter Sunday (my favorite holiday of all time!) and I had school the next day. I went through school and tried to keep myself together. That evening he broke up with me, said the distance was just too far and it wasn't gonna work. The next day after school one of my closest friends who lives in AZ called me to tell me he was on my ex fiance's myspace (he was a bit of a hacker at the time) and said that he found a message between him and some girl back home. Turns out he left me for her. What's worse is that my brother had dated her sister when I was in 8th grade... so I knew her pretty well. I was so far beyond pissed I called him and went off on him. He hung up on me and we hadn't talked up until this time last year when he tried to get me to move back because he wanted to leave her for me and I told him to piss up a rope. He was the first guy I'd willingly slept with, and even to this day I can safely say I wish I had waited. I gave it up to him at 17... which in my opinion was stupid compared to what I have in my life now.. but we'll get to that. Anyway, I went and got with this guy, pretty much using him for a rebound. His name is Scott. He made me miserable, I cheated on him a few times (NOT OKAY AT ALL, might I add!),we fought constantly and I stayed with him for almost a year before I'd gotten fed up and broke it off. He was the second guy I'd slept with, and let me tell you I had to fake it EVERY time! So a few days later I started a relationship with a new guy named Cory, and things were great at first. He told me he was into dealing and stuff when he was in high school, but he'd stopped. Well, he got back into it, almost got us both killed one night and made me completely miserable. We constantly fought.. to the point that we'd go out of our way to piss each other off. One night he hauled off and hit me, but thinking he didn't mean it I stuck around. I never told anyone that he hit me either. I cheated on him right near the end of our relationship because he had me miserable (note the pattern here so far...) and I realized I'd deserved better. I finally said enough it enough after almost a year. I stuck around because I didn't think anything better would come along. I finally got fed up and told myself that if that was the best I was gonna get then I'd rather just be alone. I took about 2 months-ish to myself, while talking to a couple guys, but I stayed single and didn't get sexually involved with any of the guys I'd talked to. I'd focused on getting my life together instead (ex. Got my high school diploma, enrolled in college and got a part time job.). My first day of school ended with me meeting up with a guy I'd talked to and we decided we wanted to see each other the next day. His name is Nathan. So, after school he came over and we spent more time together. He and I dated about 7 months and because we couldn't see eye to eye on a lot of little things, he ended it. I was pretty upset about it for about a week, but realized that a lot of the time we were together I was trying to be someone I'm not.. not to mention right from the beginning I'd assumed that he was just another a-hole and cheated on him by sleeping with someone else while he was out of town... yep I know it seems like I didn't learn my lesson, but I promise you I did... and I'll get to it at the end, I promise. Anyway, about a month later I started talking to this guy that I met of the same dating site I'd met Cory and Nathan on, and his message had completely caught my attention right off the bat, which was surprising because most of the messages I'd get I'd just shrug them off and be indifferent about them.. but this guy had REALLY caught me. His name is Kyle. Now, given the fact that it was the end of January and the weather sucked, Kyle and I were stuck talking on Skype for a week straight. By this time I was pretty much to the point that I was ready to drop out of the school I was at because it was too much bullcrap that I didn't wanna deal with and I didn't think the job was for me. Kyle and officially got into a relationship on February 4th, and we lasted about 4 months. He stayed by my side through the school thing, trying to find a job because I'd quit my part time job to focus more on school a few months before that, my best friend/big sister's dad dying, my ranting and raving about the 5 other people that live in this small 2 bedroom house, my emotions and everything else. He never really understood it. One thing about Kyle is that I am the first girl he ever got passed 2nd base with, I'm the first girl he's ever had sex with, I'm his first for a lot of different things. He's the first guy I've never had to fake with during sex, as well as one person who was part of my first threesome. I trust him completely, and I fell really hard for him over those 4 months. He doesn't really have much relationship experience other than him being with me, and he broke it off for what he now says are ridiculous reasons. I stayed with my best friend Crystal for a full month after Kyle broke up with me because I couldn't stand to even sit in my room without wanting to crawl under a rock and die, I was in that much emotional pain. A week after he broke it off, FedEx, the place Kyle had encouraged me to apply to, the same place Kyle works at, called me and offered me a job. I did take the job, and am still there, but Kyle and I do not even work in the same area. Anyway, after 2 months I knew I STILL wasn't over him, but I tried to move on anyway. I got into another relationship with a guy named Patrick. Patrick is a marine, has a 1 year old son, lives 2 1/2 hours from me and was everything I'd ever wanted in a boyfriend.. but yet I still felt as if something was missing. I kept finding myself wanting Kyle, missing him. Sure, the sex was amazing... but I didn't feel as close to Patrick as I did to Kyle. Kyle knew all my secrets, and kept them, still knows and still keeps them. A few days before Patrick broke up with me, Kyle and I talked about what went wrong between him and I and why it didn't work. Tears were shed, things were said, both of us vented and every little bit of truth we'd both been hiding came out. Kyle eventually said that if things didn't work between Patrick and I that he wanted to give it another try with me, and I told him, "we'll see what happens.". Being the (mostly) honest person that I am, I fessed up and told Patrick that Kyle had confessed he still had feelings for me. It wrecked Patrick. No matter how much I told him that I wanted him and not Kyle, it STILL bothered Patrick because when Patrick was with his ex fiance/baby's mom, she left him to go back to her ex, but then her ex dumped her again and she went back to Patrick. Two days later, when I thought everything was getting better, I was sitting on Skype with my friend/little sister Lexxie after talking on group with her, her boyfriend Cameron and Patrick... Patrick left to go help a friend of his and Cameron got off the call to help his cousin because she'd called him crying again. Well, while on call with Lexxie, Patrick texted me and broke up with me, telling me that he was afraid of getting hurt again. Before I continue, let me add that Lexxie had gone off on Kyle before he'd left for work that night (I'd called in sick because I was having cramps so bad I was crying and Advil wasn't helping at all). After reading text after text of Patrick FINALLY telling me straight up, "I'm breaking up with you.", I bawled my eyes out. Lexxie texted Kyle, telling him it was all his fault. Normally Kyle's not off until about 5 or 6am, but that morning he left early because he was sick. He texted me right after he got to his car and said "I'm sorry Patrick broke up with you. I'll understand if you never want to talk to me again." and I told him "I do want to talk to you. I am hurting pretty bad over this and I don't really have anyone here for me." because Lexxie and Cameron had both gone to sleep, and I wasn't about to call Patrick to cry about him breaking up with me. That would've been just flat out dumb of me. Kyle called me while he was driving home (or so I thought he was heading home...), and I bawled my eyes out, telling him I didn't have a shoulder to cry on and how bad I was hurt, even though he'd already known that I'd fallen for Patrick a little bit. At one point I told him, "f*** relationships, f*** all of it. I'm better off alone." and his response was "Well then I guess I'll just go home then.". Not believing that he was there, I poked my head through the blinds in my room and sure enough, there was Kyle's car parked right in front of the house. I slipped out of the house without waking anyone, and walked up to Kyle, barefoot, in sweats and a huge ass t-shirt, hair in a mess and looking like I hadn't slept in days, and all he did was put his arms around me and let me bawl my eyes out. I cried so hard I just about puked. He literally had to hold me up so I wouldn't fall, I was crying that hard. He kept whispering things in my ear like "I'm right here.", "just let it out." and "It'll be alright." and I just let myself cry until I couldn't muster out another tear. My mom and step dad took me that Friday to the state fair while Kyle sat at his house, sick as could be, sleeping as much as he could and trying hard to get better. I was scared for him because he was really sick, but his strep test came up negative so he didn't have strep. On the way to the fair, I was texting Patrick. Normally I'm not the kind of person who will pour my heart out to someone who has hurt me because every time I'd ever done so in the past I'd only gotten shattered even worse (Kris specifically is a perfect example.). Usually I just completely shut them out, but I poured my heart out to Patrick, and all he could say was "Sorry but I'm not changing my mind.". Kyle and I spent that weekend together, and I realized that the person I really wanted all this time was right there with me, it was Kyle. We got back together that Sunday night, and the first person I told was Lexxie. Lexxie flipped out and went off, talking about how much she hated Kyle and didn't trust him because he's just gonna hurt me again... blah, blah, blah. It was perfectly clear she wanted me back with Patrick, but I knew that wasn't happening. She started telling me as days went by that Patrick was saying he was thinking about taking me back (as if I'd done something wrong... even though I knew that he knew I was back with Kyle... thanks to Lexxie, and he was really hurt about it.), that he still loved me... all kinds of crap pretty much.... all while Kyle was right next to me, and I told him every little bit of it because I wanted to be honest with him. The final night that all this had happened, Kyle and I went to work together (He started earlier than I did, but I managed to occupy myself.) and he finally told me that he felt it was best for me to take sometime for myself, but that we could just date monogamously if it was what I wanted, he just wanted me to take time to get over the pain Patrick had caused me because he loved me and didn't wanna see me hurting like I was. I cried, but I knew he was doing this for my benefit. He hugged me, and kissed me even. The next morning I told Lexxie Kyle and I had broken up and she was happy, even though she KNEW by my voice and whatnot that I was very unhappy. She told me, "Great, so you and Patrick can get back together!!" and kept texting Patrick, begging him to take me back... again as if I'd done something wrong. I eventually the other night texted Patrick.. This was the conversation:

Me: "You win."
Pat: "I win?"
Me: "Yeah, you win. I give up."
Pat: "Why are you giving up and what are you giving up on?"
Me: "I'm tired of crying Patrick. I'm tired of my heart aching and I'm tired of waiting for something that will never change."
Pat: "What do you want me to do with what you did?"
Me: "Stop telling Lexxie shit that's gonna get my hopes up. I'm tired of hearing it from her when you just go completely ice cold on me."
Pat: "Ok...?"
Me: "Do you even know what she tells me that you said?"
Pat: "No, I don't."
Me: "She tells me that you miss me, that you love me still and that you were going to take me back, among other things."
Pat: "I'm sorry but I never said any of that."
Me: "Well we both should probably have a talk with her then."
Pat: "How about this, just lose my number because I'm tired of getting blamed for shit I didn't do."

(Continued in post below)

[chiamarie23]

(Post continued here After that I stopped answering him. I felt better, but was still hurt because I didn't understand how someone could claim they love someone one week, but then just walk away without a second thought the next week. At the same time I was happy because that meant I could stop feeling caught between two men and focus on seeing where things go with Kyle. Things finally have cooled down since then, it's been about a week since my conversation with Patrick, and I told Lexxie that she's gonna have to get over herself if Kyle and I get back together because she's got two choices, stand by my decision and respect it or hit the road because I'm done with the drama and the bull. Kyle and I are doing really well, we're still dating monogamously, but we're getting close to the point of being in a relationship together. My love for him still is just as strong as it was during the 4 months we were together, but I think it's grown to be much much stronger. We have our fears, but we're not afraid to talk about them to one another. We have open communication and are working on building up the other important blocks of the relationship point, but in the mean time we are where we are. We both absolutely love each other like crazy though. He's my driving buddy, my shopping buddy, my work buddy, my rock, the person I turn to when things get rough, the one I run to when I wanna cry.. he's everything for me. He's my best friend. I've never been able to be like this with anyone before because of my past, and it's really new to me but I love it. He encourages me each week to go see my counselor so that I will be one step closer to fixing myself when it comes to my past because he knows I can't seem to forgive myself for everything that's happened. I'm sure soon enough he and I will be back to being boyfriend and girlfriend.. it's just going to take a little time.

The lesson I learned from cheating is that if you REALLY truly love a person, you won't cheat or even be willing to consider cheating on them. Kyle and Kris are the only two relationships I've been in that I didn't cheat on. I hate saying it because it makes me ashamed of my past relationships, but it's the truth. I love Kyle more than I loved Kris. I cheated on Patrick with Kyle, unfortunately... but I did learn my lesson and I DO know better. I do regret cheating... but at the same time all I can say is at the time it was what I wanted.

The moral of this story is no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and everything happens for a reason.

[steviej]

Wow, what a train wreck! Glad things seem to be working out for you finally.