help guys!

[teacher37]

. so..i have a bf of 3 yrs..we get along super...have everything in common..etc. weve always,said we are a perfect match. I then found he decided to have an online relationship for three mos,over his phone chatting on fb..and five phone calls...when I found it, he freaked out, said hed do anything..so I had him delete his entire fb acct. I was hirt...but had been quite sick for six mos or so....so I felt guilty for not being there much either. I spied on his,phone to make sure it wouldnt happen again..what I found was...porn..ok..yah porn is fine. but from 7am til 5 pm..alllll day long?? OR looking at craigslist for casual encounters?! wt...? he replied with...its curiousity, educational lol, and,boredom..nothing more. hed never ever cheat...and he is ALWAYS.home at night...so a mo later I found porn on his phone this,wkd on a trip amd daily thru wifi at work.... I always initiate sex...i have a high sex drive! but I figured hed had enough pleasure from his,phone all,wkd so I havent for two nights. and nothing....hmmm....so today he asks whats,wrong..i said I have alot on my mind. my question is..how do men feel when they view these 2 dimensional images? i feel replaced when he does this!! itd be different if it were periodically..but its daily. ive read porn addiction ruins relationships so I dont want to spend,my life wondering if hell keep USING porn as,his,crutch....i need a guys POV..thank you! ps..alot vested in this relationship. we both have kids thst love us both, live together, share a home, etc. I want to tslk to him tonite when the kids,are gone. please help!

[Devilsbane]

Porn addiction is real, there is no doubt about that. I also unfortunately know that it can destroy a relatiionship. While I wouldn't be too bent that your guy looks at porn (most do and it is nothing to be concerned over) when it turns into an obsession and leads to looking for casual encounters, even if it's just a cheap thrill with no intent to cheat, then something has to give. Tell him what you told us. If he loves you he will try to stop, but your will need to be supportive. Trust me, it's an adiction just like smoking or drinking. It won't just go away over night. But with love and support it can be done.

Good luck

[teacher37]

well...he doesnt have access to internet all the time. he has 200 mb of data a month and can go sit in a parking lot with wifi at work...sometimes he has hours in between work...i dont have it at home and I have unlimited on my phone to pay bills, etc. the thing is...sometimes he seems really into me and we do have really good sex and sometimes we both work alot and are tired like everyone else..but then I read too much into it and think..is,it because he already had enough all day? he does treat me well. we dont fight muxh because we,are both pretty laid back...its hard to manage everything we do. the other thing is..when we dont have,kids..one or 2 nights,a week we spend every minute in bed together...either watching movies or having fun together. he doesnt even get on his,phone much at home anymore....I think now that he knows that I know he purposefully leaves his,phone laying around and doesnt use it much. So..i wonder if I bring it up AGAIN...if it will cause issues?? Im not a prude..I enjoy a little porn once in awhile..but the way he WAS using it was very scary!!!! Also, he swore he had nothing emotionally vested in the fb conversations..but it boosted his ego amd he is insecure because of his broken marraige 3 yrs ago so he thought something was,wrong with him. is it common, when a guy has everything he needs from one person to need that,attention? i told him if I ever catch him callimg someone sexy or anytjing I wil leave.m just trying to get more facts...tell more of the story before I talk to him. thx..and,sorry abt the typing. my phone keyboard..yuk!!

[Devilsbane]

Don't worry about the typing, I'm on my phone too (wouldnt be caught dead on a love forum at work lol) and it was still more coherant than some of the other things I've read.

I really believe that if one person is giving you everything that you need then you won't need to turn to other sources. Knowing that and practicing that can be different though. Sometimes you do just say things without really thinking about it. Maybe he hasn't came to terms that he has a porn problem? Honesty and communication are the keys to any relationship. I don't blame you for saying that if he starts openly flirting then your gone, I agree that crosses a line. But if you start a conversation with a threat or an attack then you likely aren't going to get what you want out of it.

I obviously don't know this guy, and maybe this would be terrible advice for him. But if it were me, plan a romantic night. Make him dinner, give him a back rub, that whole thing. When you are both in a relaxed mood, sweetly tell him what he means to you. Share your fears about what he is doing. Don't raise your voice or get upset by anything, just talk like adults. If he really is worth it, he'll see how much you care about him and will want to work with you to fix your relationship.

[teacher37]

I agree with you there. I thinl its,more,of a "make him feel better about himself" thing. im positive theres,no more flirting going on. of course..its a long time coming with no kids.....heres the other thing. I can,see things changing in the bedroom. he,is alot more aggressive..so hes def bringing it in bed...and, well, its not bad..but the fact I know,where its coming from is..sometimes I think I read too much into it all, too. but I def agree a night like that is in store, as well....i hope its not playing out the movies,in his,mind though..but I tend to wonder what,hes,thinking about when were having sex. uhh!!! thanks!

[Incognito]

While I wouldn't say you're a prude, but you definitely have a problem with porn and perhaps even have self esteem issues. As a guy who watched porn for years and had a fairly strong addiction I can say that I wasn't playing scenes in my mind during sex. Everyone is different and watches porn for different reasons. I did because sex is/was very sporadic. My best friend watches porn because he likes the idea of being able to "have" any woman he is watching without any emotional attachment. I can't say whether he plays back scenes while having sex with his wife, but he has never said anything close to that.

He has some issues too, probably self esteem also from the sounds of it (along with the porn addiction, if indeed he watches as much as you lead on). Bottom line: either learn to live with the porn, tell him to really limit the porn watching because of how it makes you feel, and definitely DEFINITELY get out of there if he even gets close to cheating again.

[teacher37]

lol..no!! I was 100% confident in my body, my sexuality, and willing to try just abt anything (one on one) until this..i am afraid after all of my reading I could be replaced by porn...it happens! so if he wants to watch it while we r together....is that ok? All im saying is when a problem starts...its always there....i would much rather it be something we do together than a hidden problem..yet, I dont want to drive him to hiding it all the time and having sex with his fantasies and phone more than me..im sure this makes sense to everyone! & yes, we have sex almost daily and its great and a coupke times a month we go all night! im sure im not lacking invthis department. so...do I invite it in the bedroom..once a week..once a month?? never?? I dont know the answer to this!

[smackie9]

This guy has an addiction. Suggest he gets himself into treatment, or you could say "see ya later then" kids or not.

[oldskool83]

he is addicted....id get to the rear root of the problem. 1st id take his phone, 2nd id ask you doctor where you can get him help...3rd id make him an apointment asap.

[teacher37]

yah..its been 2 months and no matter what..its hard to regain that trust when you know someone has a problem. I do take his,phone periodically and go thru it..but he erases the history in it now most of the time to hide the porn..which,is,stupid because,he,knows that,i,know.....i dont want to be,in a relationship,where I feel like I,have to watch him 24/7...thats,stupid. I would, however, waituntil we have some joint stuff paid off.....and the kids would be devastated..I really love him...and he loves,me, but his outside,actions,were inappropriate,and for you men who have cybercheated...WILL he do it again?!?! .so can I like..."break" his smartphone on accident?!

[Incognito]

No, don't break his phone. That is destruction of property and you can be sued because of it. If you can't trust this guy to the point that you feel like your constantly watching him and you are unhappy then it is time to leave. Happiness is the bottom line since you two aren't married yet. Kids should not determine whether you stay in a relationship or not.

[romantic_guy]

My best friend watches porn because he likes the idea of being able to "have" any woman he is watching without any emotional attachment.

Therein lies the difference (generally) between men and women. For women, sex is an emotional attachment. That is why pictures of genitals or even naked men don't turn women on all that much. They are much more likely to become aroused when there is an emotional connection. Men can look at a naked woman or just her genitals and be very turned on.

A couple more observations: I also thing that there is an addiction here and the problem with sexual addiction (like any other) it is never enough. It leads to more time, more extremes in the act of sex, and can never be satisfied. The other issue here is trust. You cannot have a successful relationship without trust. The fact that you are checking up on him means you cannot trust him. The fact that he hides his history means that he is trying to hide his activities from you. I think he may need professional help. At the very least he needs to earn your trust. IMO you cannot continue the relationship as it is.

[lovely2082]

why continue and be with him??? that is not healthy having to check on ur bf that crazly.. leave!

[Incognito]

Thank you for stating the same thing that romantic_guy and I did, only without proper capitalization, proper punctuation, and proper spelling.

[smackie9]

Therein lies the difference (generally) between men and women. For women, sex is an emotional attachment. That is why pictures of genitals or even naked men don't turn women on all that much. They are much more likely to become aroused when there is an emotional connection. Men can look at a naked woman or just her genitals and be very turned on..

That is not all true! Porn really turns me on so I don't know where you get your data from. Most women just don't like to admit they enjoy it because they are taught that porn is dirty and they should like it . I've had many females friends confide in me that they get turned on by porn. Seriously, who needs a storey line, it's just sex! I even had a GF ask where to find the best hardcore porn site. There's a lot of things you don't know about us women.......we are most definitley not all the same.