How can I be cool with her?

[ksmit]

See this thread for full details: Friend her or avoid her? (I cannot include hyperlink because low post count)

In summary, I was dating this coworker (late 20s) for a few months (4 dates) but we never really got romantic besides subtle flirting because we are both very shy. She started acting depressed and tired the DAY AFTER the 4th date (I might have friend-zoned her with a hug) so I told her I liked her a few days later because she probably wanted a kiss and my intentions were unclear. Next day she surprise visits me at my desk, so I ask her out over the following weekend. She's up for it but didn't follow through, followed by treating me to a dinner the next day (apology?) though I insisted we went dutch and did.

Next week I visit her desk for first time since last and she's very flirtatious. Long eye gazes, enthusiastic about seeing me, shoulders squared towards me, undivided attention, touching hair, wrists, makes dating reference about her never getting a boyfriend, etc - all signs that I see as flirting. Later that day I ask her if she feels like a walk but she claims she has a headache. I visit her once more that week and she's tired and uncomfortable. TOTAL shift in mental state. At this point she cuts ALL communication with me.

This upsets me because we were good friends but now she can't even stand being around me. I swing by her desk innocently the next week just to touch base and be COOL with her for a couple minutes to show that I realize she isn't interested but I'm cool with it. After all, we work in the same building and shouldn't feel awkward with each other. At this point though she is very uncomfortable around me and avoids me at all costs. I must have really creeped her out.

I'm in a pretty big goddamn mess with her and want to ease her stress. Can I admit I never dated before (which is TRUE!) and apologize for any awkwardness I might have caused? I basically want to communicate that:

1. I realize the mistakes I've made and sorry for creeping you out, it was only because I cared
2. You can still feel safe to talk to me on occasion, I don't want to pursue you anymore
3. I feel terrible for making things awkward between us
4. You can be comfortable around me again

So ladies, when that guy you used to like starts giving you way too much attention and you run away, is there anything he can do to explain himself or make you comfortable? I realize my mistakes being new to dating, but I feel like I need to clear the air between us because it's just too goddamn awkward now.

Much thanks.

[smackie9]

4 dates for a few months? I hardly call that dating. She is frustrated alright because you left her hanging so long between dates with no physical contact she probably wondered what was wrong with her, then you got weird on her by giving her a hug that a wet blanket would have been more exciting and realized there's something is wrong with you. Don't confront her or explain yourself...you will make yourself even a more pathetic loser. Just leave her alone, just be polite with her at work and don't push the issue any further. Tip: women want a man that is confident, that shows interests in her like asking for another date within the next few days, kiss her by the second date, take the lead and suggest exciting things to do, rather than another dinner....as they say you need to man up, and get over your fears. You want experience, date many women, don't focus on one, get out dancing, clubbing, anything.....

[ksmit]

Thanks for the reply. I learned a lot from the experience since she was the first girl I ever dated. If only she knew, heh.

That hug on that crucial 4th date wasn't just any hug. It was romantic and she said she wanted to see me again that week. It never happened because I think I became way too forward over the following few days out of crazy excitement because I was ready to kiss her next time. After she flaked out twice, that's when I confessed that I liked her to clear up any doubt.

Why is communication so frowned upon if things get awkward? I think she would feel more comfortable around me if she knew I had no more intentions of pursuing her and that my intentions were always good. Remember this is a workplace so it should be kept professional. We are both adults and this childish shit makes me insane.

[smackie9]

Sometimes things are just better left alone...professional yes...never date people you work with, now you see why it's not such a good idea.