The one who got away...?

[mickey06]

The first time I ever laid my eyes on him, three years ago, and though it was insignificant at the time, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember thinking exactly, "that guy has the face of an angel". That was when I first started my seasonal job in the summer of '09. I had no other feelings, let alone opinion, toward him that summer. It wasn't until the next summer that I started noticing him more...much more. It started with a smile, that led to a smile back. He winked at me that same day. This is when I started crushing. I began paying nonstop attention to him. Nothing too creepy but I always looked when he walked by. Hoping for a look back but it very, and I mean very, rarely happened. I didn't understand it. At this point he knew I had a thing for him. Despite my constant glances, a coworker, a very "open", quirky and comedic one had mentioned to him that I'm interested in him. Only in words that mentioned "booty call". His response was "any time" and that was good enough for me. He walked up to me once and was about to say something. I chickened out and turned the corner before he said anything. I still kick myself for that and wonder what could have been. He never made anymore attempts after that. And I never knew if he wanted me to either. So I left that summer. I got laid off just like I do every year at the end of the season. I missed him. Seeing his face. I don't know why, he drove me crazy during the end. The situation did. Having such strong feelings for someone that I had never spoke to. Getting mixed signals and then nothing at all. Hoping to God he cared enough to talk to me before the season was through...and nothing. It was just over. And I never really understood my feelings for him. My attraction toward him was more than his face and the rest of his physical appearance. It was the way he did things. The way I could tell he had a lot of self control, and strength. He had confidence but wasn't conceited. He had the most beautiful eyes and hardly talked. He was always in deep thought...and he rather listen to music in his headphones all day than associate with anyone. He likes hockey and he can have a temper. But these are all things I admired about him, and at this point miss observing. I felt so alone that winter. I felt desperate to fill the void of that emptiness, and regret of being a coward. So I sought after a relationship. And I found one alright. On a dating site with a "pretty boy" looking guy, just like him. The relationship started to excell and I was falling. But even though I was falling, I thought about him. He never left my mind completely...and he never stopped being my first choice. I don't say this for any other reason than to add to the story, but I am an attractive woman. Its very easy for me to attract attention of men. I'm very easygoig and nice to be around. But I don't want the attention of men...just him. And so I continued my relationship with this other guy and it turned out to be a rotten. I was being lied to constantly...and cheated on. I went back to work in the summer of 2011. He was there, back in my view again. I had let go of the idea of him a lot at this point, but sure enough, each day that I was around him, my feelings grew back just like they had been before. I was mad at myself. I didn't want to feel this way again. I got a smile, a few stares from a far distance. I was still in my relationship...though very unhappy and ready to be done. And then I started getting a feeling like he was involved with someone else. This feeling threatened me so I finally did it. While I was walking past him one day I said hi. It felt like the duct tape was finally ripped from my mouth. And though I feared talking to him because even just his precense made me shake uncontrollably, when I finally talked to him, in that moment I was calm. I said hi and his name in a very flirtacious way and he said oh hello (my name) how are you doing? And I said "I'm doing good how about you" and we both walked away in our different directions. I then found out for sure he had a girlfriend..and I wondered if he heard that I was in a relationship. I ended my relationship that summer. We spoke very briefly one more time after that. It felt like he became more distant. It felt like I lost all of my chances...and my attempts to reach out were too late. Its the off season again now. And I still think about him. And I'm just trying to make sense of what is going on inside my heart. And if there is such a connection deeper than the spoken and if I share that with him. I've never felt this way for someone before. Any advice would be very appreciated. Perhaps someone out there has been through this kind of thing before. Thank you for your time.

[Way2Roux]

It just sounds like you have a really big crush on him. You don't really even know him, so I would stop paying so much attention to this stranger and start focusing on more important things- like taking care of yourself, catching up with friends and family, mastering some hobbies, or even dating :-)