Easing her into it

[BigRedDog]

Okay, recently my lady and I made the jump from friends to lovers. She's 22, I'm 27 and very inexperienced. Mostly due to low self esteem issues coupled with a nature that tends to make me come off as cold and arrogant, both of which she has helped me work through. It was awkward at first, getting used to thinking of each other that way. For a while, it seemed like it was doomed from the start, but over the past month, we've both managed to ease our way into a relationship.

A few weeks ago, while cuddling and enjoying a movie, she brings up sex. Specifically, she inquires as to my penis size (which when erect is average sized, around 5 inches, but embarrassingly small when flaccid) and indicates a desire to watch a porno together. We weren't able to see each other for 2 weeks afterwards, as her schoolwork got in the way (she's in college for a career in medicine)

The next time we speak, she makes it very clear she is not thinking about sex, and indicates she doesn't want to until marriage. Which I don't agree with, but I'm willing to hold out for her.

This past weekend, I prepared a romantic candlelit dinner for the two of us, something she says none of her past boyfriends ever did. However, for a period of days beforehand, she was suspicious of my motives, asking if I was expecting her to have sex, and making sure I wasn't. After reassuring her, the date went perfectly. After dinner, we cuddled up to a movie and made out for several hours. During which, she allowed and encouraged me to caress her breasts and rear. She once again brought up sex, and while she re-affirmed her desire to wait, she also brought up that she had thought about it with past boyfriends, and seemed to be not 100% committed to the notion.

now, every time we've talked about sex, she has been the one to bring it up. We're both virgins, though she has dated several more people than I have (which by all accounts, were mostly jerks). I want to make love to her, and I want that first time to be special, but I'm pout off at how defensive she becomes about the subject, even while seemingly taking an interest.

How do i ease her into the notion of having sex? I believe that if we keep talking about it, it will cease to be so intimidating for her, but I'm unsure on how to go about it without her throwing up her defenses.

[Boisdevie]

So you are 27.
She is 22.
And neither of you has had sex before?
Here in the modern world most of us have had sex well before then. Perhaps you need to think about why you and she had not had sex YET.

[romantic_guy]

So you are 27.
She is 22.
And neither of you has had sex before?
Here in the modern world most of us have had sex well before then. Perhaps you need to think about why you and she had not had sex YET.

This was not really an answer to your question and I really don't think that just because you have not had sex yet is an indication of anything. Maybe you have not found that special someone yet. Before I give suggestions, I would like to help you with the "self-esteem and cold and arrogant part". Message me if I can help.

I think you are probably easing her into it just fine. Just keep doing what you are doing. Generally speaking, women view sex very differently than men. Many women need to feel an emotional connection, and emotional intimacy before they want to be physically intimate. Guys obtain emotional intimacy through sex. It also seems like she wants to make sure you have no ulterior motive to being romantic. So have none. Don't be this romantic guy that uses romance to only get her into the sack. Romance and love her for her and her only. The sex may come as a byproduct once she trusts you. BTW, I can't tell you how many times I hear from married women say something like, "What happened to that romantic guy that I married?" So many men forget that the way you won her is the way you keep her.

Oh, and I am a "grower" too. I go from about 1" (when cold) to 6.5" erect. My wife loves and is fascinated by it when she makes it "grow."

[bulrush]

I've had girlfriends with insecurity issues, and they were real insecure about sex. We might have sex once a month, if I brought it up a lot. Lesson: dump her and find someone else. I don't think your gf is going to budge. I mean, you are 27, at the peak of your sexuality and hormones. You deserve more. She is not going to change because she doesn't have the balls to address her fears. In order to grow as a person one has to address their fears. You addressed one of your issues, now it's her turn to address her sexual issues.

Waiting for the "right" girl was a romantic notion I also had when I was a virgin. And as soon as I had sex, I promptly tossed it out as complete crap. My first time was great, and I wasn't going to wait 4 weeks for more sex. So I dumped the girl shortly therefter and began looking for confident girls who weren't uptight about sex. IMO your gf is not just "inexperienced", she is just plain uptight about sex, and will give you any reason to avoid it. And that's how your relationship will be. Forever.

Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do: stay with her with little or no sex, or find someone who will have sex with you. You can fall in love again, you know.

[oldskool83]

you cant make her have sex with you, and the harder you try the farther back on the line its gonna take. wanna have sex with her prove it you dont care. but i will say at thi stage in the game waiting for marrige is utter bullshit.

[warriormaiden]

So I dumped the girl shortly therefter and began looking for confident girls who weren't uptight about sex.

I bet that made her feel real good about herself afterwards.

Your posts are usually very insightful, but that last reply was kinda douchey. Maybe this girl could be THE one. You never know. He could just continue what he's doing now, she doesn't sound a 100% committed to it, anyway.

[Wakeup]

"What happened to that romantic guy that I married?" So many men forget that the way you won her is the way you keep her.

... Amen! ...

[HeartIsAching]

I bet that made her feel real good about herself afterwards.

Your posts are usually very insightful, but that last reply was kinda douchey. Maybe this girl could be THE one. You never know. He could just continue what he's doing now, she doesn't sound a 100% committed to it, anyway.

Why is her insecurity his responsibility? If she acts in a way that loses her boyfriends... then she is going to lose boyfriends. Amazing how that works.

There is no fixing a serious disparity in drive between two people. If they're incompatible, it's not reasonable to ask him to put up with getting some once a month when he wants it every day. It's also not reasonable to ask her to have sex more than she wants to... the only real solution is to look for someone more compatible.

[romantic_guy]

Why is her insecurity his responsibility? If she acts in a way that loses her boyfriends... then she is going to lose boyfriends. Amazing how that works.

There is no fixing a serious disparity in drive between two people. If they're incompatible, it's not reasonable to ask him to put up with getting some once a month when he wants it every day. It's also not reasonable to ask her to have sex more than she wants to... the only real solution is to look for someone more compatible.

I beg to differ with you on that one. Early in our marriage that was the case. I wanted sex all of the time and she did not. I would say to myself, "What happened to this girl who seemed to be horny all the time before we got married? Now she hardly ever seems to want it!" As I look back, we both had to grow. I had to learn that her lack of sexual response to me was related to how I was treating her. If I had been treating her with the love and respect she deserved, and if I had been a much better father helping take some of the burden of child care and housework off of her, she would have responded. If she had realized that I did not want sex just to get off, but that I needed it to feel emotionally close and intimate with her, she would not have declined my advances. Today we realize these things. We both have grown and our sex life is AWESOME!!!

[HeartIsAching]

I beg to differ with you on that one. Early in our marriage that was the case. I wanted sex all of the time and she did not. I would say to myself, "What happened to this girl who seemed to be horny all the time before we got married? Now she hardly ever seems to want it!"

That's not a serious disparity in your sex drives, that's a lack of communication. She didn't tell you what she was feeling and why, and you didn't either.

You can beg to differ if you want, but you'd be wrong.

[warriormaiden]

Why is her insecurity his responsibility? If she acts in a way that loses her boyfriends... then she is going to lose boyfriends. Amazing how that works.

There is no fixing a serious disparity in drive between two people. If they're incompatible, it's not reasonable to ask him to put up with getting some once a month when he wants it every day. It's also not reasonable to ask her to have sex more than she wants to... the only real solution is to look for someone more compatible.

By choosing to stay chaste, is a destructive behavior to losing boyfriends?
I fail to see how not wanting to have sex is a symptom of some deeper, emotional insecurity.

The way he makes it sound like, they're compatible in other areas besides this one. And she sounds like, she's considering the option of going on and sleeping with him. If he can't wait, and he needs sex right this moment (which sounds really stupid and selfish to me) go right ahead and drop the girl. He does have that right, and that option.

[bulrush]

Why is her insecurity his responsibility? If she acts in a way that loses her boyfriends... then she is going to lose boyfriends. Amazing how that works.

There is no fixing a serious disparity in drive between two people. If they're incompatible, it's not reasonable to ask him to put up with getting some once a month when he wants it every day. It's also not reasonable to ask her to have sex more than she wants to... the only real solution is to look for someone more compatible.

THANK you. I cannot be responsible for issues she doesn't want to deal with, so I choose to find other women I am more compatible with. It doesn't mean I am mean to them when I break up.

I said on this forum "I dumped her" but I was actually very nice and sensitive about the whole issue. "I dumped her" is simply quicker to type. When we broke up, I didn't volunteer that sex was the issue, but she asked, and I confirmed. She cried, we hugged, and I wished her the best.

Yes I come off as a douche bag on this forum, because I sometimes don't want to explain all the details about how I do things. I simply say WHAT I did. But actually I'm a very nice, respectful guy, very aware of the feelings of other people.

[bulrush]

The way he makes it sound like, they're compatible in other areas besides this one. And she sounds like, she's considering the option of going on and sleeping with him.

My experience tells me that she is simply leading him on because she doesn't want to lose him....because she's insecure.

If he can't wait, and he needs sex right this moment (which sounds really stupid and selfish to me) go right ahead and drop the girl. He does have that right, and that option.

You're not a man, so how would you know what it's like to have a man's hormones? Sometimes it's just not fun. You are thinking like a woman, when you need to think like a man, because the OP is a man. He has needs. Super high hormones at that age make sex a "NEED" not a "want". Hence my advice for him to leave her. He is welcome to stay with her all he likes, but he will rarely have that closeness and intimacy that sex brings to a couple.

[BigRedDog]

I appreciate the differing viewpoints. If we all had the same opinion, well, the world would be one very boring place, no?

I don't think I could bring myself to leave her over this, however. In many ways, we've both helped the other grow. When we first met, over a year ago, I was a conceited, arrogant person who used inappropriate humor to keep people at arm's length.I was the very definition of "brilliant but lazy." I hadn't bothered to learn to drive, I spent most of my time at home or at work, and regarded most of the world with general disdain. She was even more defensive, and still hadn't left the protective wing of her mother. She used school as an excuse to not have friends, or a boyfriend.

Other the months we spent as "just friends" she helped me to shed my insecurities, my fragile self-esteem and my rampant ego. I helped her to finally stand on her own and not use her mother as an excuse to prevent people from getting close. By the time we started dating, just under two months ago, we were two different people than when we'd started.

I'm confident that, with the same patience, understanding, and communication, I can get her to accept physical intimacy as a normal, natural thing. She helped me to confront my personal fears about letting someone get close, now its my turn to do the same for her.