I hate myself... the girl I am in a relationship

[cupnoodle11]

I hate who I become in a relationship. I just hate me.

I love who I am single, and, for the most part, so do many guys. But it's when I start a relationship I become this different girl that just makes me feel shitty because I feel really inadequate.

In my mind, I process the many things I want to do for my special guy. I want to always surprise him with food or treats, learn about his passions and interests and become involved with them, and show him amazing experiences involving my culture & interests. I try really hard to be, what's in my mind, the perfect girl to him.

However, I've started noticing a pattern with how I behave when I do this. I start to expect similar treatment from him even if it's not his style and that I overlook the big picture of the things he wants from me. For instance, I was late to meet him because I forgot to get him something, so I spent extra time beforehand trying to find & buy it. He told me being there when we agreed was important, not the item. Also when he's trying to explain his feelings, I would stutter (in desperation) some points about why I am this way, and he would get upset that I'm not listening.

I just absolutely hate myself for being this way, and I want to change that about me so badly. I want to stop trying to think what is the perfect girlfriend and just be more natural in my ways of caring and listening, and stop interrupting.

I just really hate who I am in relationships, and I don't feel confident about being a good girlfriend and I don't know how I ever will be.

I have to try listening more and being more observant, but that's easier said than done. How do I really make myself be that way?

I'm still learning, and I'm afraid I'm going to keep making so many stupid mistakes that it'll eventually drive him away. What can I do to make sure I really change for the better?????

[SapphireBerry]

In a relationship they always say you gotta love yourself otherwise you cannot love another. One day you will begin to realise that you're focusing TOO MUCH on your own actions and how you should be as oppose to him and his feelings and the time that you two get to spend together and how special it is. I can relate in some ways too sweetie, I myself get so wrapped up in how I should be for him and what I should do to make him happy (or how I look for that matter) and then I do tend to get a bit uptight when I don't get the same sort of treatment, but the thing is; why should we expect that sort of treatment back? when all this is pretty much stemming from lack of self confidence and too much self awareness as oppose to awareness of those around you.

Guys want nothing more than for you to be yourself, because if you keep on trying to hard you'll soon see that you're not being you and so will he, you'll start to realize that you're becoming someone else - doesn't matter what you do whether you're changing your hair color to look better than you initially did, if you're buying too many gifts, if you're kicking yourself because you didn't sound 'intelligent' enough when you last had a decent conversation with him. Really you have to learn to be yourself, when you go on a date and you turn up ON TIME you're doing something right, when you make him laugh you're doing something right (same goes for when you make him smile), when you tell him how great you think he is you're doing something right - these are little gestures which don't require that much effort but in the end WILL be appreciated by him, he doesn't expect you to run around and tire yourself out worrying and wondering if you did a good enough job or if you ran around enough trying to find him a nice gift.

And honestly, with gifts it's good to space those things out so when you do go to give him one he'll appreciate it even more because he wont EXPECT it. Most guys want a girl who is relaxed and herself AND comfortable in her own skin (and if he wanted you to run around after him anyway it would go to show that he is the idiot that's not worth it, not you!). It's time to work on your own self esteem issues cause really, that is what all of this is and don't sit there feeling bad about it because WE ALL are not 100% happy with ourselves and by we, I mean us girls...

Be yourself is all I can really say, you don't need to try hard because that is who you were made to be.. yourself! Your man wants someone real, not someone who will fake it to make it and run around ALL THE TIME to show how much she cares. You may feel like you're flattering him but there is such thing as OVER flattering him too..

Hope this helps xx

And this is good, you are aware of your own mistake, so all you have to do now is get a hold on it and fix it and unless you're an idiot you shouldn't make that same mistake again.