Won't stop contact with his ex

[Jackdup]

This is going to be Pretty long, my boy friend and I have been together for almost three years.
He was married then divorced and then got back together with his ex for 20 years, they have a son who is 21 who lives with his mother. The ex wife is supposedly engaged to the man she cheated on him with (one of many apparently). They were split up about 1.5 yrs before we met.
When we started dating he didn't have contact with his ex at all, then about three months into our relationship she started calling and texting him, he told me at the time that she just wanted yo be "friends", but he started acting very distant, finally after a couple weeks of this after having too much to drink he admitted that she was pressuring him to come home to her, he assured me he wasn't going back to her and that he really liked me, that he had told her he just wanted to be friends/civil with her. The they went through another period of not talking (they were still trying to legally divide property that had been purchased during the "not married" portion of their relationship")
As soon as they resumed contact again, he became distant again.. And everytime he talks to her he gets like this, he is short with me and we end up in a huge fight EVERYTIME he has contact with her.
He proposed to me in June and we came to an agreement that he would not have contact with his ex if I would not spend time with a particular male friend of mine (not an ex or anyone I have ever or would ever be romantically involved with, he is actually the uncle of my BFF but for whatever reason he makes my bf extremely jealous/mistrustful). So one evening a month or so after we became engaged I said something about making plans for a wedding, we had both agreed to wait a few yrs to be married, and it wasn't like I was picking out a dress or invitations, I just said something in conversation like "when we get married we oughta go to this cool place I saw on tv" or whatever, he COMPLETELY blew up! Said I was "pressuring" him ect. And in the course of the fight he said " I do want to marry you, someday, maybe, if everything works out" this is not what I feel an engagement is so I broke off the engagement and offered to return the ring and told him that when he was ready to offer it to me on my terms he could ask again, we made up after fighting for a week, and as we are having our first non fight convo he says "the other day when I was talking to (the ex)" and I lost it, the whole week fighting with him and him being withdrawn and snappy was bc he has resumed contact with her...again.
He says he has to talk to her bc they have a child together, that "child" is a grown man who is 21, his father provides him with a cell phone, so if he needs anything I feel like he should call his dad hisself and not have his mommy intervene for him. I have made all of this clear to my bf, I have explained the way I feel and he isn't going to change, so I started hanging out with my BFF's uncle again and last night he got really ugly about that and I told him that if he gets to act however he wants with no regard to my feeling why should anything be different for me, and he said "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore" he says some variation of that EVERY time we fight and I have also told him the last time we fought that I wanted him to stop saying that, so when he said it last night I just said "ok". I would really like to know if I am being unreasonable in asking that he refrain from contact with his ex.

[Wakeup]

he said "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore"

I agree with your "boy"friend.

I would really like to know if I am being unreasonable in asking that he refrain from contact with his ex.

What does it matter what we think? He thinks you're being unreasonable and he's NEVER stopped talking to her even when you've asked him to 100 or so times not to.

Either you put up with it or you leave because he's not about to do what you want. He's proved that over and over again. He's not about to let you control him in this.. accept that or leave it. Your choice.

[Jackdup]

It matters what a bunch of strangers think bc I want to know if I am acting reasonably, of course all of my friends are going to be one my side and his on his...I want an opinion on it from someone who is not vested at all, I realize that when it comes right down to it that it's my choice to continue to put up with it or not, but I want to know if others think his behavior is acceptable...

[Cristian Luca]

What a manipulative man your boyfriend is. Ignorant and manipulative, and you are not being unreasonable. If you don't want to leave your life like this you probably should seek a man that respects you.

[Wakeup]

You need to be ABLE TO accept it if your going to be able to live happily with it. Those telling you that you should accept it, that you're being unreasonable, is not going to make you be able to be happy with it. (because it's quite obvious that his attitude does not promote happiness for you) Those telling you that you're not being unreasonable and that you're justified in your resentment WILL NOT make him change anyway. You have to decide what you can and cannot live with.

You enable him to do what he keeps on doing because you stay with him while he does it even if it makes you unhappy and dis-contented. He knows no matter how much you bitch, you aint going anywhere so he can continue to have his cake and eat it too.

P.S. You both are equally manipulative. He manipulates an outcome that suits him and you enable him to manipulate you... You try to manipulate an outcome that suits you, but he doesn't enable you to manipulate him. Perhaps you can come up with a compromise that he'll agree to where he only speaks to her via email when it is about their son. If he won't compromise, then you have to make a decision and you being unreasonable or not has little to do with anything if he won't meet you half way.

[Jackdup]

Well I officially broke things off with him today. I used to have self confidence and have never dealt with being insecure and jealous in a relationship before, and am going to work on getting back on even footing now. Thanks for the replies, I know that my reaction (intentionally hanging out with someone that made him uncomfortable) was manipulative and immature and not something I would have engaged in previosly, and that above all else has been the turning point for me, I don't enjoy playing games and don't know why on earth I have let myself get to this point but am going to figure it out and get back to my "happy place" before I engage in any more relationships...this last few years have made me so unsure of myself that it is ridiculous...