I think I might be falling for a girl I shouldn't be falling for.

[MynameisJesus]

Hi people. I hope this isn't a judgmental place because I need serious advice. I can't rely on friends or family because of the delicacy of the situation. Whew... okay here goes:

I met this girl last year in college. She's funny and beautiful. Her smile is like a sunrise. She melts me. It's awful and great.

She has a boyfriend. Dating 3 months though so I assume it isn't terribly serious. Plus she sometimes talks about how certain behaviors of his bother her.

At first we were just friends in class. Then we exchanged numbers. Then we went out with mutual friends. Then .. this week we went out alone, to a bar. We got kind of drunk and went back to her place. Nothing happened. Well... we talked but nothing physical. She teases me flirtatiously and I, her. The looks she gives me out of nowhere look like "I want you to want me." It kills me.

Last night we almost kissed, I swear. It was close.

Under normal circumstances it'd be cool. I'd be thrilled. Things are looking up.

Here's the first problem: I have a girlfriend, well... fiancee. We've been living together for over 5 years and I haven't let her know I'm hanging out with another girl.

Problem two: This new girl is almost 8 years younger than me. I'm 29, she's 21. It's a bit off.

I don't what to do. Logically I should just stop contact with this new girl and forget she existed. Problem with that is that the more I try the harder it gets. I've been painting pictures of her, writing songs about her. I think about her day and night. This girl is driving me crazy, and I don't even KNOW FOR SURE that she likes me like I like her. If I tell her she might bolt. What should I do?

Also my fiance has picked up on me being away from home at odd hours (I lie as to my location) and she's getting clingy. She wasn't clingy before. She's been asking me incessantly "Do you still love me?" "What's gotten into you?" and I can't tell her that I'm completely messed up in my head. I'm so confused. It's 2:30 in the morning now and all I can do is listen to sad music and yearn. I'm a mess.

Like the legendary smackie9 once said:
" If it doesn't feel right, it's not right"

My cousin was in your situation too. Identically the same other than the fact she's a female. There was this older guy, but he was married and had kids.
Him and her were in a long relationship all this time.
They went out just like you and her, but it escalated multiple times and she ended up having sex with him consistently.
She is not a natural cheater but she found it too heartbreaking to tell her boyfriend. They were about to get married just like you.

After one year of consistent cheating, her boyfriend found out via someone else. And I can tell you he was three times as brokenhearted as he he would be if she had told him right away.
You can not just erase this other girl from your mind.
I have ZERO relationship experience, but I believe that honesty always leads to happiness in the end.
Please don't lie to your girlfriend. She shouldn't be a second choice

[MynameisJesus]

For the future - this is why it's not a great idea to spend time one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex when you're in a committed relationship. There is always the potential for you to develop feelings for that person and **** up your life by becoming confused, as you presently are.

I find this very intriguing. Many people say this but isn't life a road with ups and downs, joy and happiness, where you just meet new people on the road?
Shutting down all contacts with the opposite gender to avoid this situation sounds like a very painful solution to me.
As if you know it's going to happen and try to anticipate on it.

If it wasn't meant to be, it just wasn't meant to be?

[IndiReloaded]

1. Break off with your fiancee.

2. Tell this girl you like her. Seriously, you need to either be laughed off or **** her and get it out of your system.

3. Focus on school. Clearly you are late going, why would you be focussed on anything else?

4. GROW UP.

Hope this helps.

[Bobtropolis]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I do need to grow up and stop acting like a tool. I'm gonna tell this girl we're quits and try and forget she ever happened.

[Miss_winter]

Wow.

I just got dumped by my partner after 3,5 years of living together. The situation was similar with yours. Only, it was her who cheated on me with a married woman (i'm a lesbian, by the way). At first, i didn't want to comment on this post as it's so painful to hear your story. But i will try to share my thoughts without being judgemental.

Before you go any further with the younger girl, you need to talk to your fiancee on the issues you two might have. Maybe you're unhappy with her (or vice versa - we don't know). Give your real relationship a chance. Try to make it work first before you decide to leave her for good. You are engaged, for crying out loud. And besides, what do you expect from this younger girl? She's also in a relationship. I pretty much believe this saying "if she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you". Let's say, she also break it off with her boyfriend just to be with you (if you're lucky) but once the sensation wears off, she might fool around with another guy. Just like what she's doing now to his current boyfriend. And you might have missed one of the best things in your life, your fiancee.

So before you make foolish decision (out of lust), you need to take some time off from this younger girl. Focus on trying to save your relationship first. You may think that by breaking up with your fiancee, you are doing her a favor. Well, you are not. You will break her heart into pieces. If you think you shouldn't have done this to her, then don't. Stop it now before it's too late.

[Leona77]

Oh great!!! I think that you and ''I don't know if I like her yeat, but I love her'' should smokE 1 00000 tons of marihuana, get married IN vEGAS and then both continue cheating to each other with whoever comes along that can open a condom with their mouth! Seriously???? Do your fience a favour and set her free form you so that she can have a decent man instead!
You and your 'candy girl' so deserve each other- both immature cheaters! Get a grip!
oh, btw...I am noy judging, just saving some innocent people!

[MynameisJesus]

Oh great!!! I think that you and ''I don't know if I like her yeat, but I love her'' should smokE 1 00000 tons of marihuana, get married IN vEGAS and then both continue cheating to each other with whoever comes along that can open a condom with their mouth! Seriously???? Do your fience a favour and set her free form you so that she can have a decent man instead!
You and your 'candy girl' so deserve each other- both immature cheaters! Get a grip!
oh, btw...I am noy judging, just saving some innocent people!

are you on something?

[Leona77]

are you on something?

Yes, on common sense!

p.s.
oh, and PMS, too

[HeartIsAching]

are you on something?

I think she's on TO something. That was great!

[Bobtropolis]

Oh great!!! I think that you and ''I don't know if I like her yeat, but I love her'' should smokE 1 00000 tons of marihuana, get married IN vEGAS and then both continue cheating to each other with whoever comes along that can open a condom with their mouth! Seriously???? Do your fience a favour and set her free form you so that she can have a decent man instead!
You and your 'candy girl' so deserve each other- both immature cheaters! Get a grip!
oh, btw...I am noy judging, just saving some innocent people!

That doesn't sound too bad. Sometimes I don't think I'm mature enough for my fiancee. I kind of want to go mess around and have a good time. Sometimes. But it's dumb, so I won't.

[MynameisJesus]

Yes, on common sense!

p.s.
oh, and PMS, too

I respect every opinion Leona, but I don't get it at all.
Why is OP not a decent man? Because he admits that he is developing feelings for a younger girl while being close to marriage?
Is that a crime? Is it even unlikely to happen?
In fact the majority of couples that are close to marriage get in these spots. Because it is a huge step to take.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless you both hide in your room for the rest of your life to avoid any social contact with the opposite gender so there is no threat for your relationship. Congratulations

Denying these feelings or even calling somebody indecent because of it goes totally beyond me.

The average indecent man you describe, would not even mention this issue on a forum.
He would get married to a rich woman, cheat on her consistently and not even take time to open a thread about it on a forum

[devonbrown]

You have to deal with your fiance and your relationship with her on its own terms. Forget about the other girl and decide if you want to be with your fiance. The thing of it is, if there are problems in your relationship, you need to deal with those. Otherwise there will be other girls and other issues in the future. Plus, it is only fair to your fiance.

If you break up with her BECAUSE of the other girl, then when things don't work out with the other girl, you will doubt if you made the riht decision, try to get back with your fiance, etc. It will just be a mess.

Good luck.

[Leona77]

Dear YournameisJesus,

…Just when I started to get Bobtropolis to come to his senses ( if that’s possible at all) now I have to deal with you, too!!!

I met this girl last year in college. She's funny and beautiful. Her smile is like a sunrise. She melts me. It's awful and great.

Well, if this is ALL Bobtroplis thought/felt, than I’d say it’s pretty likely to happen to anyone & if the person is mature and in a committed relationship they should RUN THE OTHER WAY as fast as they can in order to avoid possible emotianal & physical affair.
That would be a decent thing to do.

An INDECENT MAN (with a streak of guilty conscience & hope that not all faith in him is lost if only he manages to put all his wrongs right) will do the following:

PUT HIS THOUGHT INTO ACTION, WHILST KNOWINGLY HIDING IT FROM HIS FIANCE

Then we exchanged numbers.Then we went out with mutual friends. Then .. this week we went out alone, to a bar. We got kind of drunk and went back to her place. Nothing happened. Well... we talked but nothing physical. She teases me flirtatiously and I, her. The looks she gives me out of nowhere look like "I want you to want me." It kills me.
Last night we almost kissed, I swear. It was close.

LYING TO HIS FIANCE:

Here's the first problem: I have a girlfriend, well... fiancee. We've been living together for over 5 years and I haven't let her know I'm hanging out with another girl.

FALLING FOR A CHEATER WITHOUT EVEN KNOWHING IF HE LIKES HER, WHILST RISKING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND RISKING TO HURT THE CLOSEST PERSON TO HIM:

This girl is driving me crazy, and I don't even KNOW FOR SURE that she likes me like I like her. If I tell her she might bolt. What should I do?

LYINT TO HIS FIANCE REPEATEDLY AND ACTIVELY:

Also my fiance has picked up on me being away from home at odd hours (I lie as to my location) and she's getting clingy. She wasn't clingy before. She's been asking me incessantly "Do you still love me?" "What's gotten into you?" and I can't tell her that I'm completely messed up in my head. I'm so confused. It's 2:30 in the morning now and all I can do is listen to sad music and yearn. I'm a mess.

ACTIONING ON HIS FEELINGS-ACTUALLY PURSUING DEEPER EMOTINAL AND PHYSUCAL AFFAIR BY HOLDING HANDS ( unless you hold hands with you male friends for hours while you smoke weed)

Well I went over the deep end. We held hands in lecture. I think at this point she likes me not just in a joking/teasing way. She was giving me THE most strong bedroom eyes yesterday at the bar. We smoked up and layed in the grass on campus, holding hands and joked about stuff, talked about stuff. We kind of agreed that this is crazy, us both being in relationships and all. Awkward after that. We haven't spoken. It's hard to "get over" someone in this situation.

HE GOT CAUGHT!!!! WHAT’S NEXT?
TRYING TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS TO HIMSELF, THIS FORUM & PROBABLY TO HIS FIANCE BY PULLING OUT ALL KINDS OF EXCUSES FROM UNDER THE TABLE (GUILTY CONSCIENCE ANYONE?)JUST WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO PERSUADE?:

Also my fiancee went through my phone and now she's (rightly so) pissed off. She doesn't have any ... evidence ... but she was mad at the sheer number of my texts with this girl over my texts with her. She openly forbade me from having contact with her anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm so torn.

When my fiancee and I first started going out, things were great but we were younger. I was 23 and she was 21. Over the years she's finished college and almost finished master's school. She's in a stressful job and we have a house. Our lives are more complicated and we have less time to love eachother like we used to. I've taken to going back to some of my old hobbies/mannerisms from when I was 23, like wearing my lip ring, and dressing like a punk. I took up the guitar again. I hadn't thought of it but looking at myself objectively I am trying to become younger. It's really sad, but it's working. I've been really happy and feeling less stressed.

Another big thing recently is that about the beginning of this semester was when my anti-depressants started kicking in, which has OPENED MY EYES and made me realize how depressed I was for years and years. This coincided with reconnecting with the cute "Ramona Flowers"-esque girl from college. Bad timing, bad decisions made, and the true sign of ignorance -- I'm not stopping after realizing my error. I can't seem to help it. As much as I try and fight this feeling I can't seem to. I can't even really distract myself. I think I'm really falling in. Superficial or circumstantial or whathaveyou, it feels the same.

AND JUST WHEN WE ALL ‘’ALMOST’’ FELL FOR HIS EXCUSES, WHAT DOES HE DO???
CHEAT TO HIS FIANCE YET AGAIN:

Went out again yesterday. Lied about it to my fiancee. We had a fancy dinner + drinks, then went to a bar and had more drinks, then smoked a ton of green, then went back to her place. We were both messed up... she opened a condom with her mouth and tongue and I said "I have to go home now."

Whew. It was the most fun night I've had in years.

So, dear My nameisJesus, if you can’t see what’s wrong with this behaviour, I suggest you go for a threesom with Bobtroplis and the ‘condom-mouth-girl’’. But, please make sure she can impress you by pulling out her diaphragm out of her va –JJ with a cork-opener because surely she must be more capable to be able to handle two guys (oh, maybe three including her poor boyfriend)….

I do agree on one point with you, though. His relationship is in trouble. But one has to sort out that trouble WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP, not by'' I-want-to-stick-my-tongue-in-her-condom-opening-mouth'' kind of approach.

Sp, Bobtropolis. You've made a lot of mistakes. One good thing is that you still have time to do the right thing. I hope you would have figured out what I mean by that.

Note: the post has ironic & sarcastic tone to prove the point. Nothing personal  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, too.

p.s. and MynameisJesus, please don't try to justify his actions just because there is someone worse out there by saying:
''The average indecent man you describe, would not even mention this issue on a forum.
He would get married to a rich woman, cheat on her consistently and not even take time to open a thread about it on a forum ''
There is a THIRD option, you know. The kind of man that has actually and would actually NOT CHEAT to his girlfriend/wife/fiance.

[Wakeup]

Why is OP not a decent man?

Because if he had relationship and personal boundaries in place he would distance himself from her and not do things that emotionally connect himself to her even more. Decent people have conviction and personal boundaries that they won't cross or let others (like young weed lovers) to cross. Had he not been doing one-on-one date-like hangouts with her, (a personal boundary would have not allowed him in his conviction and) he wouldn't be having an emotional affair with this girl. Men (people) who have no personal or relationship boundaries in place make very poor monogamous partners for the most part because they have no convictions, they don't understand loyalty and they are easily tempted.

Because he admits that he is developing feelings for a younger girl while being close to marriage?

No, because of the reasons already stated by Leona and now myself.

Is that a crime?

it used to be at one point. Now it is just a shame and usually causes great loss of joy for the person(s) who have to experience the emotional disconnect of someone who once saved those feelings for them and promised to forsake all others.

[IndiReloaded]

Dear YournameisJesus,

…Just when I started to get Bobtropolis to come to his senses ( if that’s possible at all) now I have to deal with you, too!!!




Well, if this is ALL Bobtroplis thought/felt, than I’d say it’s pretty likely to happen to anyone & if the person is mature and in a committed relationship they should RUN THE OTHER WAY as fast as they can in order to avoid possible emotianal & physical affair.
That would be a decent thing to do.

An INDECENT MAN (with a streak of guilty conscience & hope that not all faith in him is lost if only he manages to put all his wrongs right) will do the following:

PUT HIS THOUGHT INTO ACTION, WHILST KNOWINGLY HIDING IT FROM HIS FIANCE


LYING TO HIS FIANCE:


FALLING FOR A CHEATER WITHOUT EVEN KNOWHING IF HE LIKES HER, WHILST RISKING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND RISKING TO HURT THE CLOSEST PERSON TO HIM:


LYINT TO HIS FIANCE REPEATEDLY AND ACTIVELY:


ACTIONING ON HIS FEELINGS-ACTUALLY PURSUING DEEPER EMOTINAL AND PHYSUCAL AFFAIR BY HOLDING HANDS ( unless you hold hands with you male friends for hours while you smoke weed)


HE GOT CAUGHT!!!! WHAT’S NEXT?
TRYING TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS TO HIMSELF, THIS FORUM & PROBABLY TO HIS FIANCE BY PULLING OUT ALL KINDS OF EXCUSES FROM UNDER THE TABLE (GUILTY CONSCIENCE ANYONE?)JUST WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO PERSUADE?:

AND JUST WHEN WE ALL ‘’ALMOST’’ FELL FOR HIS EXCUSES, WHAT DOES HE DO???
CHEAT TO HIS FIANCE YET AGAIN:



So, dear My nameisJesus, if you can’t see what’s wrong with this behaviour, I suggest you go for a threesom with Bobtroplis and the ‘condom-mouth-girl’’. But, please make sure she can impress you by pulling out her diaphragm out of her va –JJ with a cork-opener because surely she must be more capable to be able to handle two guys (oh, maybe three including her poor boyfriend)….

I do agree on one point with you, though. His relationship is in trouble. But one has to sort out that trouble WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP, not by'' I-want-to-stick-my-tongue-in-her-condom-opening-mouth'' kind of approach.

Sp, Bobtropolis. You've made a lot of mistakes. One good thing is that you still have time to do the right thing. I hope you would have figured out what I mean by that.

Note: the post has ironic & sarcastic tone to prove the point. Nothing personal  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, too.

p.s. and MynameisJesus, please don't try to justify his actions just because there is someone worse out there by saying:
''The average indecent man you describe, would not even mention this issue on a forum.
He would get married to a rich woman, cheat on her consistently and not even take time to open a thread about it on a forum ''
There is a THIRD option, you know. The kind of man that has actually and would actually NOT CHEAT to his girlfriend/wife/fiance.

You dont have to "deal" with anyone here, Leona. Are you insane? You sound it.

Note: CAPS SOUND LIKE SHOUTING. ITS BAD TEXTING ETIQUETTE.