I can't believe he said this! Really?!

[kbee]

I was playing a board game the other night with the guy I'm seeing, and he saw an attractive girl singing on the TV.
He says: "Woah. Wow, is she old enough to bang?"
Me: I looked at him, and was like, "did you really just say that?"
His response: "C'mon, you know that's what most guys are thinking, and if you didn't know, well, now you do...".
Me: "Some might think that, but they usually don't say it outloud."
He says: "yeah, I guess I don't have a filter..."
Me: "I guess not."

Later that evening, he makes another off-handed comment about another girl on TV who wasn't really overweight (maybe her arms were a little flabby): "...no, what you need is a treadmill..."

What's the deal? Is this guy a jerk? Or do some guys just make random, off-handed comments like this (and I'm being silly)? He usually doesn't make those kinds of comments, but we've only been dating 2-3 months, so maybe I just haven't been around him long enough. The lack-of-filter thing is nothing new, though.

[collegestudent]

while what he said was insensitive, i urge you to try to understand (or more accurately, not to understand) the inherent stupidity of male banter. if he says it a lot more, that's a problem. once or twice is fine, it's how men sometimes talk, as dumb as it may be. if he's proud of it or defends his statements, that's a problem. just my take.
you said the lack of filter thing is nothing new....in that case it's very much possible that he just doesn't think about it much. has he been in many relationships before? in my experience, a filter is utterly and totally necessary, unless you are able to find that one girl that can actually put up with guy stuff, which is like a needle in a haystack as far as i'm concerned.
i'd say that you should just nicely tell him that he needs to have a filter around you with things like that. what works with guys doesn't always work with the girlfriend....basic facts. if he doesn't take it seriously, maybe give him the same treatment so he can understand what you meant. just explain what you're doing, if you do, so he doesn't take it seriously, that could of course be a problem...
it's also possible he's just trying to make you laugh and failing miserably, so keep that one in mind....some guys do make that mistake.
hope this helps

[kbee]

Well, it doesn't help that I have been on the fence about breaking up with him for other things over the past couple weeks. There are things that are just so wonderful about him (financially secure, great with kids, not afraid to show affection, etc) and other things that just annoy the hell out of me--and they keep adding up. I don't have much tolerance for disrespect.

[kbee]

I thought you were done with this guy?

Wakeup-- I have plans to see him this weekend and sit down and have that talk. I don't want to do it over the phone or email or text...

[kbee]

...and I expect that it will be difficult because the man is in sales. And we have a trip to AZ planned in 3 weeks. And we have massages scheduled the weekend after. And I agreed to watch his dog for 2 weeks over Christmas. This is gonna suck.

[greentea11]

Sounds like he might be getting more comfortable in letting the bad side of him show. He won't change. I know from experience.

[bulrush]

Later that evening, he makes another off-handed comment about another girl on TV who wasn't really overweight (maybe her arms were a little flabby): "...no, what you need is a treadmill..."

I think there is a positive side to his comment. "Real men" typically address problems head-on, rather than running away from them. If they are too heavy, they lose weight, rather than whine about it. I think he is expressing this concept, though a bit crudely. Women who address issues directly, rather than try to take the easy way out, or dodge responsibility for their own health, are attractive to me.

Kbee, you don't have to make multiple posts in a thread. You can edit your posts for a few days if you want to add more info to them. I think 7 days is the cutoff point for when you cannot edit posts. When the post is 7 days old, the Edit button disappears.

[ksmit]

I'm a 24/M and I found his comment pretty funny. Guys have a different sense of humor so you should just brush it off as a joke you just don't find funny.

[chuckbartowski]

well i sm sorry but it seems like your boyfriend is a big jerk or he just want to make you jealous

[kbee]

I'm a 24/M and I found his comment pretty funny. Guys have a different sense of humor so you should just brush it off as a joke you just don't find funny.

Yes, you being 24/M explains why you think it's funny. He's 38. I'm in my 30's, past the immaturity phase, and expect my guy to be the same way.

Just because you think something, doesn't mean you always say it. If you want to keep a good girl around, you need to learn how to use a filter for the inappropriate stuff so you're not offensive to her. And if you say it with intent to make her jealous, then you have an insecurity issue, and that's not something I want to have to deal with.

bulrush--thanks for the edit info. I know. I just didn't use it.

[Wakeup]

Yes, you being 24/M explains why you think it's funny. He's 38. I'm in my 30's, past the immaturity phase, and expect my guy to be the same way.

Just because you think something, doesn't mean you always say it. If you want to keep a good girl around, you need to learn how to use a filter for the inappropriate stuff so you're not offensive to her. And if you say it with intent to make her jealous, then you have an insecurity issue, and that's not something I want to have to deal with.

bulrush--thanks for the edit info. I know. I just didn't use it.

I'm starting to see why he prepaid for so much. He wants to make sure you stick around because he's never sure when he's going to offend you and he wants to make it hard for you to leave over something silly.

What he said really wasn't that offensive IMO It was just some off-handed comments about someone he'll never meet. and if I had thought it was I would have just told him straight up that it was and to put a cork in it. (nicely of course) Why all the drama about it, kbee?

I think you have two choices. You can choose to take offense and feel those negative feelings you're clinging to or you can forget it and consider it his sense of humour. If you don't find it funny, well then you just found out another area that you're incompatible in and perhaps you might reconsider taking advantage of him by using all those prepaid gifts when you don't even seem to like him much. *shrugs*

[quote]

well i sm sorry but it seems like your boyfriend is a big jerk or he just want to make you jealous

no offence but I'm thinking both you and Kbee need to lighten up a bit. If it's against your grain to lighten up about this, then give him up or speak to him candidly next time he offends you with his remarks to strangers on the T.V.

[toshiba]

while what he said was insensitive, i urge you to try to understand (or more accurately, not to understand) the inherent stupidity of male banter. if he says it a lot more, that's a problem. once or twice is fine, it's how men sometimes talk, as dumb as it may be.

I could see this being the case with some men, but most of the time (at least with me) there is meaning behind what is said. Most of my comments are quite calculated. I have been guilty of the same thing and it isn't nice.

I was playing a board game the other night with the guy I'm seeing, and he saw an attractive girl singing on the TV.
He says: "Woah. Wow, is she old enough to bang?"

IMO that was his way of saying he ideally wants someone that looks like that (at least that's what I meant when I said that to someone).

Later that evening, he makes another off-handed comment about another girl on TV who wasn't really overweight (maybe her arms were a little flabby): "...no, what you need is a treadmill..."

OOOF.... I have said similar things. Example: I have a preference for skinny women (this has been a very touchy subject for me and women). Instead of saying making a direct comment about her weight, I would comment about a girl that my girl mentioned, maybe about a friend or hers or something.

My GF: Tara (her friend) looked so pretty at the party last night.
Me: Yeah, but she has a kind of big azz (meanwhile Tara's ass is smaller than my GF's).

Or as you said, someone on TV, I would say "not really my body type, a little too thick".

[kbee]

Well I talked to him this morning about EVERYTHING. He agreed that what he said was not cool, and that he doesn't have a filter. Lighten up? I know when to take things lightly and when not to. "Is she old enough to bang?" is just not something you say to someone you are dating and trying to impress. I'm sorry. And I certainly don't think that all guys think that way. But then I could be wrong, which is why I'm here asking this question.

Wakeup-- I'm not easily offended. Also, your statement about the reason for him prepaying for everything is more your speculation than reality. He just genuinely wanted to do things with me and didn't think anything of it. He had no clue that he was offending me and thus was not walking on eggshells, wondering if he was going to offend me. After our discussion this morning, he understood where I was coming from, and we decided we will reschedule what we can and decide whether we want to do the other things when we cross those bridges. I have no intention of taking advantage of those prepaid activities, as I already indicated in my previous posts. I just think that's totally disrespectful.

I'm posting so much on here because I'm conflicted, and don't want to rush into breaking up. I feel like I might be too quick to dismiss a guy, and I am really trying to give this guy a chance. He said this morning that he still wanted to try this with me. He IS a great guy in many ways, and I like him for those things. On the other hand, as you correctly stated, Wakeup, there are many things that annoy me about him. The question is, what are annoyances that can be ironed out, and what are things that are engrained in his character, which cannot be ironed out, and which I don't stand for? Learning what those are takes some time--maybe more than 2-3 months, maybe not.

I sense you (Wakeup) might be getting frustrated with my posts. If so, don't read them then. But I am on here for some advice, some of which I am taking, and some of which I choose to leave. And along the way I am learning and taking things a day at a time. I will probably change my mind about things a time or two or three.

Nonetheless, I appreciate everyone's comments. Even your smart-ass, but often useful ones, Wakeup.

[Wakeup]

I think you should just learn to work out the small stuff with him rather than post here to get validation on what you think is and isn't offensive. If you choose to post about the small stuff then I'll likely comment on how I see you wasting your good and positive thoughts on dwelling on things that could easily be ironed out with him.. As you showed us you were quite capable in resolving this blip in your new relationship.

Smart ass or not, I knew that you could and you know that you could easily handle this on your own. Have faith in your own abilities at problem solving and conflict resolution. When you care for someone, truly care then you don't want to have people thinking badly of him.

Peace.

[kbee]

^^ It's not resolved. Just waiting to see if it can be. I have a right to post what I want on here. What you see as small stuff I may not consider so. Things are not so easily ironed out and not easily handled, as you seem to think it was for me. Writing about it and doing it are two different things. I know many other people who would not be careful and not give a potentially wonderful relationship a chance. I'll admit that I may not have painted a pretty picture of him. But it's not a pretty picture. It's complicated and kinda ugly right now. But I still see some potential, and I think he does too.