The Vanishing Act?

[Curious1]

Stop living by all these dating rules about not contacting, letting the man do the work, take it or leave it. Those rules are dead in the modern age, if you want someone, show them you want them.

As long as I'm not smothered, I'm flattered when a female shows interest in me and has the initiative to act on it.

Based on this, it sounds exactly like that, let the man plan everything, let him so all the work, and never initiate because your fear seeming needy and desperate.

The balance is doing what you feel comfortable with, calling and texting when you feel like it, sometimes planning things, and sometimes just doing your own thing. You're here pretty much telling us that you expect the man to come to you, and as soon as he pulls back, he is guilty of disappearing. What have you done to retain these men? When the guy pulls back, to you contact him or just let him go?

I'm starting to understand this a bit better now. I think you're just not putting in the effort when you find someone who does like you.

Most women have been conditioned to think that men lose all interest in us after we sleep with them... That can really be confusing and make us insecure... By being insecure we sabatoge ourselves. We have also been taught to "do nothing" and if a man wants to come around he will. If not,"do not call him", God forbid we call a guy we are interested in or tell him we like him.

If you ever get a chance, read some of the books written for women. Even the ones written by men telling us what we should do and how to act if we want a relationship. Games!! I know what neediness is and I know what confidence is. I am a rather confident woman and I am comfortable with myself, However I have the idea that men are always out to get something from me (negative past with men) so I can come off a bit closed off emotionally until I feel safe... I not over affectionate and I keep them at an arm's length. This may be percieved as disinterest. I may not be putting in enough effort as I should... I do make the man work quite a bit. I don't really know how to show my interest, I guess. I do jump to conclusions.. If a guy I am seein starts pulling away I assume he's over it, so I try to move on.

Real relationships are hard for me to cope with. I stay independent because I am tired of the pain that comes with it all. Relationships also mean expectations.. sometimes expectations that I cannot meet. I've been single for 2 years. It is hard to express my feelings so I have a major emotional wall. I would like to have something meaningful now that I am older. I kind of feel that if a man is not willing to be patient with me and break through that, then why bother??

Thanks for all of your input. I am seeing things differently.

[MaidenMinx]

Please don't take offense to this, though it sounds like you could use some counseling. It appears as if you are projecting your past problems onto future paramours Nd that will get you no where.

Before meeting my husband, I went through a stage where I was doing the opposite of you with the same result. In was clubbing a lot and attaching myself to any good looking guy that came along. I'd get physical way to quickly and then hassle the crap out of them. Then I read dating secrets of the 10 commandments. It is a brilliant book, I highly recommend it. Rather than teaching you how to game play it teaches you how to spot games and avoid them and what to do instead if you are in a game playing pattern. After reading that book I put myself through a period of celibacy, learnt quite a bit about me (and guys. Saying "I'm celibate" to a guy in a nightclub is an interesting way to sort the jerks from the genuine. The jerks bolt, the genuine stay to chat) and was ready to start things with my husband by the time things fell into place.

Point of my story, change your tactic and you should have success.

[Curious1]

Please don't take offense to this, though it sounds like you could use some counseling. It appears as if you are projecting your past problems onto future paramours Nd that will get you no where.

Before meeting my husband, I went through a stage where I was doing the opposite of you with the same result. In was clubbing a lot and attaching myself to any good looking guy that came along. I'd get physical way to quickly and then hassle the crap out of them. Then I read dating secrets of the 10 commandments. It is a brilliant book, I highly recommend it. Rather than teaching you how to game play it teaches you how to spot games and avoid them and what to do instead if you are in a game playing pattern. After reading that book I put myself through a period of celibacy, learnt quite a bit about me (and guys. Saying "I'm celibate" to a guy in a nightclub is an interesting way to sort the jerks from the genuine. The jerks bolt, the genuine stay to chat) and was ready to start things with my husband by the time things fell into place.

Point of my story, change your tactic and you should have success.

Oh yes, Counseling it is!

[skeeziix]

Simple. Don't put out. Make'em beg... Works every time...

[MaidenMinx]

Simple. Don't put out. Make'em beg... Works every time...

Only if the guy is overwhelmingly into you to start with. This tactic will help to separate the men from the boys, much like telling guys you are celibate. That was so much fun back in the day.
"I'm celibate"
"really? Why?"
"cos sex has a habit of turning seemingly nice guys into arseholes"

It was funny how many guys bolted. I can assure you every single one that bolted was strictly looking to get his dick wet.

[HDBadger]

Cerby has some good posts in this thread. Read them again.

I can tell you, coming from the viewpoint of a decent 29-year-old dude, what I think.

1) If you're interested in a guy, show interest. Don't overcomplicate this.

2) Playing hard to get will get you nowhere with a normal dude. It may work on a desperate guy or a player who enjoys chasing things. I'm guessing you don't want either of those types of guys.

3) NO GAMES. Game playing gets you nothing.

4) Get out of clubs. Could you find a decent, attractive, intelligent bf in there? Maybe. But your odds aren't good.

5) Have sex when you are comfortable having sex. But. Trying to turn a ONS into a relationship maybe isn't the best way to go about it. You don't have a prude about this, but waiting a little while to get to know the guy won't hurt anything. I'm not saying wait a year, but what's the harm in waiting for a month until you get to know what the guy is about?

[Gypsybell]

Whatever happened to just being yoursellf and acting naturally? What's with all the contrived behaviour and analytical bullshit?

I get so frustrated listening to the plots and counter plots of 'how to pretend to be what guys/ girls theoretically 'look for' or supposedly expect in a 'quick screw' versus a 'relationship' etc etc, ad nauseum. Sounds like you all expect go go fishing in a Woolworth's datery and order up a specific type and what, throw the nonspecified, or shop soiled ones back? I wonder if its a city thing? or if no one respects the process of social meet, greet, get to know and gravitate to couple exclusivity via normal community and honest knowledge of each other?

Maybe you should just move to a small town or get a dose of reality, as in, try being a poser and wagging a false tail at a boy when his mother knows your mother and everything you've got up to from the cradle!

My point is, why try to be what you are not and then suffer a rejection phobia when your falseness is not accepted? Its pretty ridiculous whichever way you look at it. If the contrived behaviour gets the guy then you are still set up to fail when you, by your own words, 'relax' and HIGHLIGHT the false facade, so, duh, he leaves anyway.

Best advice: Be exactly who you are and if that does not attract a mate, ask yourself if YOU like who you are? If you don't, then why should anyone else? Work on that. If you do, then go find your own kind and stop trying to bend yourself out of character to please wankers you don't want anyway. Being alone is better than being lonely in a bad relationship. And the one you don't have to analyze and don't want to fool is the one who won't want anyone but you.

[MaidenMinx]

Best tip I heard for knowing when to put out, 30 hours of conversation.

[oldskool83]

my normal plan is a month, ill know or have a good insight to what sum1s about by then, sleep with me before the 1st date....i dunno look at it as too needy and well i peace.