Caring for partner with Mental Illness/Deficiency

[LorienArmada92]

I've been in love with my boyfriend for the past year and cared for him as a good friend in the year before that. But this involves difficulties that one doesn't encounter in an ordinary relationship because he's a special case...he *is* special. I met him when I was doing peer-tutoring in a special education classroom. I've never bothered to ask directly what illnesses or defects he has.

I think I underestimated the difficulty of handling and caring for a mentally ill/deficient person. At first, I understood certain conditions. That he is supposed to never be left by himself except when he's asleep, that he has to take this pill at this time, that he's sensitive about this, etc, for example.

But not until I spent extended amounts of time with him did I realize what other behaviors I would see. He will go on for days refusing to speak or eat, burn and lacerate himself, and intentionally make himself sick, for example, by infecting his own cuts.

Conversation with him becomes confusing when he starts blending reality with whatever else...he talks often of people who don't actually exist as if they do. I don't know when he's talking for real and when he's talking nonsense.

But he isn't always like this. It's as if he alternates on any given minute, hour, day, or week between some form of all of the above and being the boy I love. It's becoming increasingly difficult to take...one minute he's hugging me, the next minute he's talking about 'ears' or something, and the next minute he's twisting my fingers (yes, he has done this before).

I do not want to leave him because I love him...I wouldn't remain with him if I didn't. But I feel like he's going to eventually drive me insane. I feel terrible for this because if I truly love him I should be able to stand by him and help him get better, but I can't do either...I need help.

If anyone has experience being in a relationship - not even necessarily romantic, but close - with someone with a mental illness, it would be great if you could offer some words of help. I don't exactly know what to do. I'm stuck. I want to be with him, but hi erratic nature is hard to deal with.

[MaidenMinx]

Not knowing what is 'wrong' with him makes it very hard to understand what is going on for him. I suggst you find out what is the issue and educate yourself on it.

[vashti]

If you choose to stay with a mentally ill person, please don't get pregnant. Children need stable home environments.

For the record, they only require people to be constantly supervised if they are a danger to themselves or others, and mental illness can be progressive AND hereditary. Good luck with that.

[MerryH]

A person who can't be left alone, intentionally hurts himself, cannot sustain reality, has erratic mood changes, and hurts you physically is not a suitable boyfriend. I understand that you think you love him, but that's not enough, to be honest. He's not in a position to be in a relationship. And it's possible that he never will be.

Also, I find it really curious that you "haven't bothered" to ask what his illness is. Don't you think that's relevant? If you're trying to help him, you should probably find out if this is something that can even be treated successfully. Why haven't you asked?

I'm not asking this to be rude, but do you have any issues or disorders yourself?

[ices]

Are you in love with him. Or do you pity him and feel constrained to remain in a situation which is obviously becoming intolerable for you.? You need to sort these issues out within yourself before you can fully give anything to a handicapped person. It is a difficult role that you have chosen.
You definitely need to find out what the problem is and how best to deal with it. It is really surprising that you haven't already, as this is the main focal point.

[LorienArmada92]

I know, the reason I avoided asking or hearing about his illness at first was denial. I've really wanted to pretend that him being sick doesn't matter, or that it isn't serious...various excuses. Kind of like 'ignoring' or glossing over something to make it not exist.

But as I said, it's become increasingly hard to ignore. I guess it had actually become so ingrained in my approach that it 'didn't matter', that I actually didn't even think of asking what exactly he suffers from!
I know I should ask someone or at least look up what he's medicated for...but if it really is something that never goes away or gets progressively worse, that would only make my outlook more hopeless. But you're right, that would help me see where things are going. So thanks for reminding me of that.

And is it possible to love and pity someone at the same time?

[ices]

My take. Yes it is possible to love and pity someone at the same time. I do think that love is not really a romantic love, if the pity is present.

[surfhb]

Its simply mind boggling why you would continue a relationship with this person. Your SO is supposed to help you flourish in life. Dont you understand that the number priority in your life is you?