Fantastic relationship, terrible sex life

[veryconfused1]

I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. We have had the odd split up (one serious where we both saw other people), but we got back together and have been going strong for about 4 years with no real blips. We are both in our late 20s.

My girlfriend is awesome – sexy, intelligent, outgoing, fun, funny – everything I could want. She is my best friend and I have shared so much with her. However, there is (of course) a problem – my sex drive is far higher than hers.

Now, this is not a new occurrence, but it is something that I have found increasingly difficult to deal with over the years. It fluctuates, and we do have (short) periods where it improves to a level that I am more happy with, but generally speaking we must average sex about once (maybe 1.5) a month, with a bit of messing around thrown in every now and then. For me… this is not enough.

Now we have obviously discussed this and I feel I have tried everything (really everything). I’m not pushy about it and there are times where she offers, but I reject it because it is clear she is just "going through the motions" because she knows I want to.

The funny thing is, we are very close, and she is always very “kissy” and “cuddly”, so there is lots of affection – just not the type I sometimes want. When I “confront” her about it, she just says it’s really not that bigger deal for her. Personally, I feel this is a little bit selfish, although she is by no means a selfish person. I must stress, she is not distant from me at all, except when it comes to sex. I know most will real this and simply say "she is cheating", but I'm almost 100% certain this is not the case. I genuinely think she just has a much lower sex drive than me.

Writing this now it all sounds rather pathetic, but it is really getting me down and I am seriously considering whether I can go on with the relationship. I’ve not cheated on her, but when I go out with friends and get attention from other girls… god I have to remind myself not to be an idiot.

And so there it is, in all its pathetic glory, my problem. Am I being an idiot for even considering throwing away the potential love of my life simply because I’m not happy with my sex life? I really don’t know… Part of me thinks I am still young(ish) and shouldn't have to put up with feeling sex starved... but then the more logical part of me realises how much I stand to lose for the sake of a bit more sex.

[malteser]

I was in a relationship for nearly 9 years and for the last 4 years or so the sex was literally non-existant. The very rare occasion we did have sex I didn't enjoy it at all. To begin with it didn't bother me because I just figured that I didn't have much of a sex drive and that the relationship was great in other ways so it didn't really matter. Then one night I ended up getting very drunk and kissing someone else. I told him about it and he blamed it on the alcohol and it was at that point that I knew the relationship was over. I had been drunk on many occasions prior to that and hadn't once cheated on him, and what's more I only told him because I was worried he would find out, not because I felt guilty. Kissing the other guy had shown me what I was missing and my sex drive went wild. I knew I wouldn't be able to remain faithful because the sex in the relationship was awful and I realised that at the age of 26 there was no way I wanted to continue in a sexless relationship. I don't think you're being an idiot because I do think that sex is an important part of a relationship. You're happy in every other way in your relationship but can you see this continuing or can you see your desire for more sex growing stronger? I think you need to tell your girlfriend how you feel and try to work around the reason for her only wanting sex as infrequently as you describe.

[Neuro]

Sex is a significant part of the relationship. It is probably not as significant as good personality, but it is significant enough for it to be a deal-breaker if the sexual needs are not matched. And because of this, there's no reason you ought to feel selfish or bad. You can try and work it out, but after nine years of trying, I'm not so sure how far you'll get... If she loves you so much, but she is distant when you're sexually intimate, I'd almost wonder about her past... was she ever sexually abused? Is this a topic you've ever brought up? If she is affectionate but holds back in bed, it doesn't ONLY mean she has cheated... it could mean possible trauma in the past. If you love her as much as you say, delve into this and see how far you get. If there is no traumatic past associated with this, I'd consider either counseling or a break. A sexual mismatch for me is a deal-breaker.... Good luck!

[Boisdevie]

Sex in a relationship is important. You cannot be closer to someone when you are making love with them. If your love life is not good enough for you then you have to end it.

[sssspanos]

Sex is the only think that makes your relationship with a girl a relationship and not a friendship. Things are difficult as you describe them. I was like this for the last four years of my relationship, and it ended because of this... I m 45.

My next relationship will have the more sex I can get. Good luck!

[sadie_genie]

It just baffles me she doesn't love cock enough to want it very often.

[bulrush]

She offers sex and you turn it down sometimes? You could have said "yes" instead. Why not, did you feel guilty?

Anyway, if this is a major problem, and she won't change (much), then one solution is to break up with her and find a new girlfriend. But you will find almost NO single girls under 40, that have a sex drive close to yours. Just warning you. Once the ladies hit 40, their sex drives seems to peak for a lot of them.

It just baffles me she doesn't love cock enough to want it very often.

The vast majority of women I dated who were under 40, had very little sex drive, if any. Just my experience. Now I'm dating the 40s crowd, they (the women) can't get enough! lol. I guess I just know how to find them better now.

[lost_14yrs!]

Hi Confused1,
Reading this sounds like my life... my partner would say the same to me...Im exactly like your GF....I just wanted to say that she would LOVE you very much she just wouldnt think about sex like you do....Dont think she loves you less because she doesnt want to jump you every min of the day.... also how much would be enough?? My partner and i would have sex 2-3 times a week and that still wasnt enough... She is attracted to you or she wouldnt want to kiss and hug you..also when she tries to start it and say No because you know she is "going through the motions" just think she is starting it because she loves you and knows that you want her to do that (she is putting in the effort even if she doesnt realy feel like it)....has she tried herbal meds at all, that boost sex drive?? Im learning myself about how much sex affects a relationship..I hope you both can figur it out

[bulrush]

Sex is one of the top 3 things couples fight, and break up, about. There's a reason why so many answers here said that sexual compatibility is a major issue. Let me be blunt, for a man, no sex=no reason to stay.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sex is one of the top 3 things couples fight, and break up, about. There's a reason why so many answers here said that sexual compatibility is a major issue. Let me be blunt, for a man, no sex=no reason to stay.

Agreed.

You've already spent 9 years with her, and this is obviously not going to change. Time to leave her, and don't give her a chance to change or straighten up or whatever; it's obvious she doesn't want to. Tell her you can be friends, since that's pretty much what you are anyway.If you're constantly reminding yourself not to be an idiot, then it sounds like you won't have too much trouble getting a couple rebounds under your belt quickly to get her off your mind. You may even want to start laying groundwork with other women before you leave this one, so it's a cleaner break from her and you'll be less tempted to go back. You said you're in your late 20s so right now are your prime years. College girls and cougars, and everyone in between wants a piece of you, so don't waste your time with a relationship that you're not getting laid in. Like I said, tell her it's become nothing more than a friendship, so you may as well start seeing other people.