My girlfriend and I don't see eye-to-eye...

[tb1]

Hello, I am new to the forums. I have never posted any relationship problems anywhere before, but I really need help with this issue. This may be long, so please bear with me. I want you guys to understand the situation fully.

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past four years. We live an hour apart from each other, and try to see each other as much as we can, which is at least 2 or 3 days out of the week, sometimes more. I believe that we are meant for each other, and we say we want to spend the rest of our lives together. There is only one thing that we really don't see eye-to-eye on...sex. Before I go any further, I must explain our past for the issue to make any sense.

When we started dating things were great. I couldn't have been happier. At this time, we were around 15-16 years old. The relationship was exciting, and I just couldn't wait for the weekends to see her. She hadn't done anything sexually with anyone before me, and I had gotten as far as a girl giving me oral sex. Our very first date we went to the movies, and she started giving me a handjob. Now, I didn't intend for that to be the first sexual encounter together, but at the same time I liked it. The things we did together sexually were spur of the moment. She actually wanted me and it made me feel good about myself. A month or so after we started dating, I went into a deep state of depression for 9 months. She helped me through it, and I basically fell in love with her over time. Being only 17 I had no idea what love was, but I had never felt like that before. She was confident, happy, and outgoing, and I just loved that about her. As you can see, sex was not the only thing keeping our relationship together. Over time her sex drive decreased, which lead me to start talking to other girls, and not just as friends. I have a very high sex drive, and before our relationship I got attention from a lot of girls. This lack of attention from her lead me to find it elsewhere. The first time she found out I was talking to another girl was by looking through my phone. I knew then that was a sign that she was insecure. She was devastated. It took about an hour or so to get over it, and I told her that it would never happen again. Her sex drive remained low, and she showed no sign of wanting me. As you can guess, this lead me to talk to more girls. In turn, her sex drive got even lower. You can see this is just a never ending cycle. I talked to about 6 or 7 girls for over a period of a year and a half until I quit talking to them altogether. This was over a year ago. It's not like I didn't show that I loved her during that time, because I spoiled her and I was the one driving an hour to see her, and spending the only money I had. It was just the lack of sex which was driving me insane.

Anyway, I stopped talking to girls, realizing that I love her and it wasn't right, regardless if I was content with our sex life or not. I basically matured during that time, and learned a lot. Since then, I have been spoiling her and treating her like a queen. If she wants something, I would get it for her. If she needed someone to talk to, I would be there. If she wanted to do something, I would do it with her. I spent what little money I make on gifts for every occassion. For example, she was sort of interested in photography, and doesn't really have any hobbies, so I bought her a $375 dollar camera for Christmas as a suprise. Also, I forgot to mention the promise ring I got her in the very beginning of our relationship. It was a cheap $30 dollar promise ring from Walmart that she wanted. I ended up replacing that with a $150 dollar promise ring, with the birthstone of the month we got together. On our 4 year anniversary, I went to the spot where we meant, and gave it to her, sort of like a new beginning for us. I was hoping that this would help her forget what I had done...well regardless of everything I have done for her, she still brings it up to this day.

This brings me to the main issue. She looks at sex completely different now, and she is all worried about being known as a "slut" or "whore." Living an hour apart is tough when I want her every single day. It sucks to not hear a single word about sex for 4 or 5 straight days. She never sends me texts or IMs saying she wants me. She used to send me sexy pics of herself all the time, this was while I was talking to other girls too. I just don't get it. Now that I have stopped, nothing has changed. I have been really trying to show her that I changed and I am more mature and committed to our relationship. I tell her she is beautiful every day. I know she is sort of insecure about her weight, but I tell her that I love her body and I don't want her to change it. Every time I hint that I want it, over IM, text, or even in person, she just brushes it off and says "I'm sorry" or "of course." She is too worried about our relationship becoming all about sex that it's actually doing the opposite. I would say on average I get oral at least once or twice a week, and sex every 1 to 2 weeks. The girl I knew 4 years ago, is not same now. I realize people change, but she has lost all confidence in herself and is now depressed, and sex isn't spur of the moment like it used to be. I try so hard to make her feel happy and beautiful, but she isn't willing to try at all. She is a lot more negative than she used to be. Thinking about it all, I feel like I ruined our relationship just by talking to other girls. It is going to remain a problem in our relationship forever. I really love this girl and want to stay with her, but how are we supposed to continue our relationship when it is stuck in the past? To be honest, I wish that other guys would talk to her just to give her attention and make her feel good about herself. She thinks she is ugly which is not true at all. She thinks showing a little cleavage makes her considered a slut. I don't know what to do from here, I feel like part of it is because of her depression, but she has no will to make herself happy. She is the only one that can do so.

Basically, whenever I bring up this issue to her she just brings up the past about me talking to other girls, and usually starts a fight. The word "sex" triggers her anger. She always says "what did I do wrong now" when I bring it up. All I want to do is talk to her about it like normal people in a relationship would, and find a happy medium. Sex is only during her convenience, not mine. When we do sexual things together, I feel like she doesn't enjoy it as much as me. I feel like she would realize that all I want is sexual attention from her. I feel unattractive to her because she doesn't want me when we aren't together. I know this is all coming out randomly, but this whole issue causes me to not be able to think straight. It is very frustrating and depressing for me at the same time.

So please, any advice you could give me to help would be great. I just want to fix what I have done to ruin our relationship. I want her to be happy and confident in herself like she used to be. Is it really acceptable for her to keep bringing up the problem even though it happened over a year ago? It's like she is blind and can't see that I changed completely. I have tried everything and have no idea what to do from here.

[steviej]

I'd cut her loose, she's got issues which she is dwelling on and refuses to try to get past. You being a doormat and jumping when she clicks her fingers is only encouraging her behaviour.

[Dune]

You ever tried venturing into the possibility that there may be some underlying cause to her behaviour? I mean when you were in depression, she was there for you, and at least you still get some sexual attention, and not none at all.

I'm not asking you to be a push-over people-pleaser. What I'm trying to say is, be there for her. Ask her what's happening. Find out more about her and what's going on in her head. She may be psychologically inhibited by something. Maybe she's hurt about something or she cannot let go some of the issues that's been bugging her. Try and get her to express herself, and if chance permits, help her resolve these issues.

I'd act fast if you don't wanna lose her.

[Kaius]

What's wrong with talking to other girls or flirting with other girls? At your age (back then) you need to explore yourselves, and not get tied down.
Understand that your 15-16 year old girlfriend is not likely going to be your wife. People change as they mature...so why put so much pressure
on this "relationship"? You like talking to other girls.... so GO TALK TO OTHER GIRLS!!!!

[bulrush]

First of all, here is how I would condense your story down to the pertinent details.

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past four years. We live an hour apart from each other, and try to see each other as much as we can, which is at least 2 or 3 days out of the week, sometimes more.

There is only one thing that we really don't see eye-to-eye on...sex.

Over time her sex drive decreased, which lead me to start talking to other girls, and not just as friends.

No it didn't. She never had a sex drive to begin with. She just did things to hook you in. Now that she has you, she doesn't have to make an effort. Don't you think both people in a relationship should make an effort to please each other? And I don't mean with just sex.

I knew then that was a sign that she was insecure.

Bingo. You got it. She is too young to deal with her insecurities. And you haven't mentioned that she even wants to change.

so I bought her a $375 dollar camera for Christmas as a suprise. Also, I forgot to mention the promise ring I got her in the very beginning of our relationship. It was a cheap $30 dollar promise ring from Walmart that she wanted. I ended up replacing that with a $150 dollar promise ring,

For some women, money and gifts increase their sex drive. In her case, it doesn't. Stop spending the money. It ain't helping.

She looks at sex completely different now, and she is all worried about being known as a "slut" or "whore."

Not true. She always felt this way, but she ACTED differently in the beginning to hook you. This is her true nature. She is so insecure she can't handle sex, at all. Because she doesn't want to change, the only solution now, is to find a new gf. I'm sorry this is so hard, but I had a similar gf. We rarely had sex. She had real problems. Had to cut her loose.

You are a normal male, you sound very respectful and sensitive to her feelings and needs. But you need YOUR needs met also. You need a different girl, no matter how hard this transition will be for you.

[tb1]

Thanks to all of you who responded

@stevej: I have tried everything to help her get over the past but I know that she is the only one that can do so, and she doesn't try. I wish it was easy to cut her loose, but I love and care about this girl. I have tried to be distant with her plenty of times just to see if her behavior would change and it didn't. It's one of those things where I am worried I will regret breaking it off with her.

@Dune: She is really hard to talk to about things. I know she has a problem with her weight (like a lot of girls do), but she really exaggerates it and makes it a huge deal. I offered to work out with her and eat better, but she said she doesn't want to do that. She really has no will to try to get over her depressions or whatever issue she has. I can remember her being depressed about her weight a year into the relationship. I try to get her to talk to me but she won't. I hate the fact that we can't talk about our relationship like mature adults, instead we always get in an argument that is not worth my time. All I try to do is work out the situation, she just brings up the past every single time. Don't ask me how it leads into that, but it does. I don't want to lose her, but I am losing hope that she will ever be happy and content with herself and her life. It is bringing me down as well and I am completely happy for the most part. I just would feel awful if I left her because she literally has no one. Her parents don't really talk to her, and she has one friend who she sees from time to time. I can't just leave her alone because I don't want her to hurt herself, which she has threatened to do before.

@Kaius: I am going to be honest and say that I miss the attention I once had. I always think about what it would be like if I wouldn't have met her, and what it is like to be single. I can't talk to any girls now because she thinks they are trying to get with me (which most of them are), and it would just make our situation worse. I feel like she has me on a leash after all that happened. She always says she has a right to be mad, but seriously for half of our relationship? I have to draw the line somewhere. I told her once, and I'll never say this again because she got really mad, but I told her if she wasn't going to give me attention, I will find it elsewhere. I mean I feel like I go out of my way to do things for her, but since she feels like I owe her for doing what I did, she doesn't pay me in return. Anyway, I am afraid to be single again, since I don't know what to expect now that I am older.

@bulrush: Thank you for making me realize that she had no sex drive to begin with. It all makes sense. It really makes me irrate to think about it, because I know it's true. I asked her once why her sex drive was different when we first started the relationship, and she broke down and said because she didn't want to lose me. I should've realized it at that moment. She does not want to change at all. She doesn't want to fix her issues or her depression, and she doesn't want to try and please me like she used to. The only response I get when I try to talk to her about it is, "I'm not good enough am I," or "Why don't you be with someone else?" She feels that I am lucky that she didn't leave me, when really, she is lucky I didn't leave her a long time ago. I can't believe I bought her expensive things thinking it would help. Our relationship is perfect other than this one problem, so I would hate to leave her just because she doesn't please me as much as I want. Is there anything, and I mean anything I can do to make her realize that sex/satisfaction plays a big role in a relationship? Everytime I get close to talking to her about it she doesn't believe me and doesn't care to listen to what I have to say before she goes off saying she isn't good enough and how I should go date so and so. Speaking of which, she bases her views on sex off other people she hates. For example, a girl who talked to me that she hates has a really high sex drive and is open about sex. She hates this girl, and says that she doesn't want to be like her. I just can't get through to her head that liking sex doesn't make you like another person. I need someone else to tell her because she won't listen to me.

[steviej]

You're unhappy because of her. She is unhappy for a whole host of reasons and she's content to wallow in her misery and drag you down with her.
Emotional blackmail to make you stay with her!? 'Don't leave or i'll hurt myself'
Seriously, walk away and don't give it a second thought. Think of all the fun and opportunities you're missing out on because you are to afraid to leave her.

Things will not change!

[Lover14]

This exact thing happend to me and my boyfriend, and i still think about him flirting with other girls behind my back, but it doesn't bother me as much now as i know he loves me. Have you considered showing her this post? It might help her understand that you don't just want constant sex, but it is a big part in a relationship. Just try once more to talk about it with her, and ask her if there's anything you can do to make it better for her.. If she still doesn't change then maybe some time apart, or a break, would help. Good luck.

[tb1]

@Lover14: Yes I have thought about showing her actually, but I have a feeling she would get mad/upset about it. I try to tell her sex plays a big role in any relationship, but she doesn't agree. It's almost like she needs someone else to say it. I have tried to talk with her to see what I can do to make things better, but she doesn't know exactly what is bothering her and she isn't willing to try to figure it out, so I can't help her. She doesn't believe in taking breaks. As tough as it sounds, I am not sure I can go on. I think about this issue every day. I want her sexually every single day, and she wants me once or twice a week. It really hurts me and makes me feel unattractive. I told her I like to be loved by sexual actions, but she said that doesn't make sense. How does it not? I feel guilty for finding her attractive and wanting her.