Confused about husband's behavior - alarm bells ringing

[Janene]

I would appreciate some other feelings about a scenario I just experienced with my husband that has me feeling very unnerved.
My husband's 60th birthday was this week. We are planning a large party with family, friends and neighbors in 2 weeks and I told him the date in advance so he wouldn't feel hurt or slighted that I didn't do something special for his 60th (he hosted a 50th birthday party for me last summer).

So last night, he tells me that on Friday night, when we have out of town guests coming for the weekend, that he and an old friend (male) whose birthday was last week are driving to a city 50 miles away so they can celebrate their birthdays together - oh, and they'll be renting a hotel room together and staying over night. He knows there is a big party in another 2 weeks and this same friend will be in attendance and this guy is also married. But they want to go away together to another city to celebrate their birthdays alone together.

I am really weirded out right now.... does this strike anyone else as odd or concerning?

[vashti]

It sounds like he doesn't care to hang around your out-of-town guests. Did he agree to help host them, or was this visit forced upon him? Are they also going to be at his 60th birthday party?

Another possibility is that you are worried he is having a homosexual affair. Is that correct? Do you have any reason to believe this is true?

[NeverDated]

Not really. It sounds, to me, like two guys who are trying to come to grips with their age decided to do something unusual spontaneously. Kind of a reminiscing "How long has it been since we...?" situation.

It also sounds like you were already unnerved by behavior. Has he given you a reason to be suspicious before this?

[bulrush]

Not really. It sounds, to me, like two guys who are trying to come to grips with their age decided to do something unusual spontaneously. Kind of a reminiscing "How long has it been since we...?" situation.

I agree. What do you think they are doing over there? Getting some hookers or something? Do you honestly think your husband wants a hooker, with all the diseases they bring?

[Janene]

There have been some times in the past where certain things have triggered questions in my mind. I don't think it has anything to do with the out of town guests since it appears they've been planning this for 2 weeks. These two get together every year to celebrate their birthdays, but they always go out in the neighboring town where his friend lives and my husband would crash at his house to avoid driving home after drinking. Which I thought was fine. It just seemed weird to me that two 60 year old men would want to celebrate their birthdays alone together in a city an hour away from our house (and 90 minutes from the other guy's house) and stay in a hotel room... when they both know there is a large, group party in 10 days to celebrate. And now here's probably the real source of my angst... we've only been married 3 years and for the past few months, every time we have sex, he brings up his fantasy of having another man join us... for me. Maybe it's just fantasy and maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion... but it hit a nerve.

[Janene]

Oh... and to answer one of the earlier questions... they weren't going to an event or doing an activity... just dinner and drinks... and then sharing a room. Which was part of what bothered me. We have Three cities within 15 miles of us and they couldn't find any place to go for dinner and drinks without driving an hour?

[Wakeup]

What a visual: Two 60 year old men getting durnk and getting it on in a seedy hotel. Ugh! Maybe the Loveshack Club they belong to is meeting in that particular city? Maybe they're meeting two other women there for a orgy? Maybe they're just good friends and they're bored with the cities, bars and restaurants close by?

Ask him outright if he's bi-sexual, it's the only way you'll know. Hopefully you know him well enough to know when he's lying even if you don't know him well enough to know if he's bi-sexual or not. You could always hire a private detective to follow them and set up camp outside their hotel room door.

Will it make you flee the marriage if he is cheating on you with another man or will you stay and accept his bi-sexuality (if he is bi-sexual as you don't say if he wanted to watch you and the "third" or he wanted to be involved directly with the third in his request for a threesome? ) Just curious.

[Janene]

I'm sitting here laughing because the visual you just described is exactly what flashed into my mind when he told me of these plans. I did share my concerns with him and explained why I thought the scenario seemed "odd" to me... the necessity for the two of them to have their own private, overnight party in another city when all of us would be having a party in 10 days. His response was an angry denial and that men go away for weekends together all of the time! Fishing, golfing, tennis, hunting... yes, I get that and it's usually with a group of guys. But two men just going for dinner and drinks and sharing a hotel room? I can't think of one time I ever heard of two men doing that.... ok, allow me to rephrase... two straight men.

[vashti]

I actually HAVE heard of that, but only in Las Vegas, to save hotel expenses.

So you ARE worried about them having sex, then. I think you should ask him directly. BTW - how good are your instincts? If they've been pretty reliable, I would probably trust them.

[Janene]

That's just it - my internal alarms went off like a smoke detector. And guys going to Vegas for a weekend is right there with the golfing weekend, etc.... it's planned around activities. It's not just two people going off for dinner and drinks together.... I thought that's what guys did with their wives or girlfriends? It sounded more like a romantic getaway than a guys' weekend and that's what was troubling me. Am I the only one who thinks it is a bit off?

[Wakeup]

That's just it - my internal alarms went off like a smoke detector. And guys going to Vegas for a weekend is right there with the golfing weekend, etc.... it's planned around activities. It's not just two people going off for dinner and drinks together.... I thought that's what guys did with their wives or girlfriends? It sounded more like a romantic getaway than a guys' weekend and that's what was troubling me. Am I the only one who thinks it is a bit off?

Have you ever stopped to think that he's made up the story that he'll be meeting with this friend (have YOU ever met this friend?) when in reality he'll be meeting another woman? or: That the two of them will be setting up meeting other woman and doing a swap kinda thing with one another? How long did you know this man before you married him? Is he a fan of Liza Mannelli, Cher or Bette Midler?

[Janene]

Knew him 6 years and yes I know the friend very well. They usually do get together to celebrate their birthdays, but it's usually at a restaurant close to the other guy's house (he's married, too) and then my husband stays there because they've had a few drinks. The place they want to go is an hour and a half away from the other huy's house. To the best of my knowledge he is not liza Minnelli fan, but he did do a lot of theater.

[Wakeup]

hmmmm. All this speculation is intriguing. *grinz at the theatre quip*

Maybe they're taking HIS wife to the motel for that threesome? What's she think of their little rendevous?

Six years is a long time to know him. In those six years has he given you any reason to believe that he was cheating on you or is it just this time and just because he happens to be driving a little further?

[Kaius]

Wait.... if a 60 year old man wants to have fun...or have some sex on the side, why is it wrong? I mean, at his age, he shouldn't have anyone nagging him about anything. He should enjoy his final years, and do whatever he wants.
Cheating is only traumatic if you are dealing with a "young" spouse because you are concerned about your future with him/her being jeopardized. At 60, a spouse is more like a roommate, so why would you stop a roommate
from having a little sex out of town? Makes no sense....

[Wakeup]

He can do what he wants, no one said he couldn't. He just can't do what he wants and keep his wife if she doesn't agree with what he wants to do.