Break up advice

[whoisthis]

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old guy in desperation of some relationship advice. I've been with my GF for over 2 years, we've lived together for 6 months, been on a couple of expensive holidays together. I'm generally quite happy and I think she is too. Might also be worth mentioning that this is the longest relationship I've ever been in and never had to dump someone before.

The only problem is we are complete polar opposites, and although I have known this for a long time, it only really hit home when last week I went to a party and met another girl (nothing happened, I'm not a cheat), we got on like a house on fire, there was just something there that isn't there when I'm with my GF, which made me think that maybe I'm with the wrong person? (not that I should leave her for this other girl, because I have no idea if she even likes me... but if there is one out there that I get on with better, there's loads out there!)

I'm an adrenaline junkie, love everything fast, I'm ambitious and earn well, very sporty, funny, Mr nice guy. She is lazy, unambitious, doesn't have a full-time job, doesn't exercise and I'm pretty sure she would be content with being a housewife. We rarely have a meaningful conversation about anything else that reality TV, and I only have fuel for these conversations by reading tabloids! I also think we have poor chemistry in the bedroom, once we went for months without sex, because every time we've ever had sex I've had to initiate or basically rape her (without the forcefulness obviously) and I just couldn't be bothered to put all of the effort in when I could just masturbate - I don't know if it just gets like this after a while in relationships? Maybe a woman could answer this one for me...

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, if I didn't then I wouldn't find it so hard to end our relationship. The reason I'm finding this hard is because I know I'll break her heart; she doesn't expect this at all, we haven't argued, ever, and as far as she knows the relationship is going perfectly. I haven't been completely happy for a few months and I've been waiting for an opportunity (argument) to explain our differences, but I don't really think this is the way to do it.

Please help me!!

[alicehardt]

Giving breakup advice is very hard, because there are so many complexities to it.
But I would say the first thing you need to be thinking of is yourself. If you believe you are with the wrong person, than you are with the wrong person. The fact that you have never argued before sounds like it's because either you don't communicate at all, or there is nothing of interest to even argue about. It is very healthy to get into fights. If you're not fighting, you're not getting anything out in the open and you're not learning anything about your partner.

If it is this close to being over I would sit down with your current gf and let her know you are concerned about your differences. But I don't see that this would achieve much other than letting her know you're not as happy as you could be. If your differences are all personality driven (and it sounds like they are), than she's not going to be able to change those things, nor should you expect her to.

At any rate, I would talk to her about it soon. If you're having these feelings now, dragging anything out is not fair to you or her.

[Saya]

Have you talked to her about this? I think that you should talk to her and tell her what kind of relationship your really after (not that bit where you talked to a different girl). I know that she may not change, but she can put some effort into things like, having a decent conversation with you or going out and have fun, change her living style by little bit at a time.

My relationship is probably similar to yours... my bf is ambitious, but I'm not and we live together, we communicate about a lot of things since I enjoy talking. We do things together all the time and he loves sports and I'm not really into sports, but because he loves sports so I encourage him to play sports with me.
Before I wouldn't even try and do anything which I do not like, but because I love my bf and would want to be with him, and I want to make him happy so I would want to try new things with him. Eg, going to different places, playing sports with him even though I'm not good with it, trying out new food which I don't like or never tried it before.

Has your sex life always been this low?
Depends on the relationship, but usually sex drive is really high at the start and it decreases.. . it doesn't mean that they don't love you or don't have desire having sex with you.

My bf have told me once that, if the relationship was going great and no sex at all or hardly any sex then, it isn't a relationship... it's friendship.


So before you break up with her, talk to her about your feelings and if nothing changed then maybe time to move on?

[whoisthis]

We've talked briefly about it before, she actually brought it up a few weeks ago but I dismissed it and she just agreed, so she has definitely thought about it before - now I've been thinking about what said to me and I agree that we're pretty much at a dead end. When I say not ambitious, I mean she can't hold down a job, not that she doesn't want a decent job. It just seems that she wants to leech off of me.

We used to have a lot more sex than we do now, but its always been one way traffic, its only been recently that I couldn't really be bothered because she makes no attempt to have sex with me - before anyone mentions it, its not that she doesn't want to, because she complains that we don't have enough, its more along the lines of her not knowing how to turn a man on.

[Saya]

Have you asked what she wants to do with her life? Eg, within few yrs time, get married, have children, and then what? Or working hard? etc
How old is she now?
Is this her first serious relationship?

Why don't you teach her how to turn you on?

[whoisthis]

She wants marriage, kids etc, me working hard, her at home basically. I don't want that for 5 years. She's 27 - same age as me.

Its not her first serious relationship, but it is her longest

And I've tried to teach her how to turn me on, suggested possibly watching an adult movie, prompting her to try stuff, but she thinks I'm trying to belittle her. I thought by starving her of sex would make her try it, but it doesn't, she just moans that we don't have enough

I've pretty much persuaded myself to end it with her, I'm pretty sure I'm just in this relationship because its convenient. I just don't know how to end it

[Saya]

I suppose, she's around the age of wanting to settle down/getting married and have children...

How does she feel about you and the relationship?
Is she happy being with you and being in the relationship with you?
Or is she comfortable now so she have no desire to end the relationship?
Being comfortable with each other within times is good thing, but getting too comfortable is in a way not a good thing because they stop caring too much and stopping putting a lot of effort in the relationship.

Have you told her that you want her to have a stable job?

If she complains to you that you two doesn't have sex enough then, she does wants to have sex right?
Have you told her that, you want her to turn you on when she desire to have sex.

Do you think that she loves you and wants to spend rest of her life with you (marry you, have children with you) Is this her plan?
Has she mentioned this to you or your just assuming thats what she want with you?

If your future plans doesnt match then, most likely there is no point to continue with the relationship...

[Saya]

If you really want to end the relationship, you should just be honest with her and let her go.
Sooner is better than later.

[IndiReloaded]

You want a partner. She needs a kick in the butt to become self-sufficient.

Sometimes, people come together for a time to learn these lessons. Its time to breakup. Just be kind in how you do it. Things aren't working out for you, you don't see this becoming a longterm partnership, thank her for the wonderful time together--its that simple.