What to do: Sex slows in long-term relationship

[s_mccalister]

Please help.

I am overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I have been dating this girl for 2.5 years and things are generally going well. We are both in our mid-20s. I think we both really love each other. I think we both feel really comfortable around each other and we are able to relax and be ourselves. We have talked about marriage, but no specific plans are in the works. We hang out with each other's families a lot.

We have one big problem: We rarely ever have sex any more (I mean once a month at best). Our sexual relationship has been on the rocks for about a year, maybe longer. I think it is fair to say the problem lies on her end. She is not heavy at all, but she has body image issues (which I think I am very understanding of). She says this is the reason for sex rarely happening. It's not a new issue and she says she has always had body issues. I try to be supportive whenever she brings this issue up and I even encouraged us to go see a relationship counselor about 6 months ago. We saw a counselor a few sessions and now my girlfriend is going on her own to address personal issues.

My girlfriend says she has no interest in sex and no interest in changing that for the time being, although she says that will change if she can lose a couple pounds and feel better about her self. (She is like 120 pounds, probably 5-10 pounds heavier than when we started dating. I could care less about the weight and tell her that.)

The first six months we started dating we had wild sex. Then it slowed. I bring up the issue from time to time and express my concerns in what I think it is a respectful manner. It feels like every 2-3 months I have a conversation with her about my sexual needs not being met (I would like to have sex at least 1 or 2 times a week).

She also doesn't like to go out as much (ie: bars, seeing friends, leaving the house) since we started dating, and she says her weight has something to do with it.

I am honestly stumped. I love her and really care about her and want to make things work. We are compatiable in so many ways and I really care about her. While our sex life has died, we have grown a lot closer together the past year or so. I think we have both become more mature and are better at communicating and better at compromising and working together. We really laugh and have a lot of fun together.

Despite all these good things, I can't help but think I should end this relationship at times. Sometimes I get so sexually frustrated. I would never cheat on her but I find myself thinking about being with other women. I can't help but assume if our sex life is dead now, it will only get worse in marriage. Sex isn't everything to me, but I feel it is part of a relationship. Part of what is frustrating is I don't feel intimate with her now. We don't even kiss passionately and for long periods of time anymore. It's all snuggling and pecks on the cheek. She likes to blow on my stomach and be silly, but rarely seriously and intimate. She doesn't even like me to see her naked anymore. She changes out of view. Sometimes I don't feel wanted and attractive because she scorns my advances.

OK, I know I am highlighting more of the bad than the good in our relationship, but I need some opinions here. What do you think?

[MaidenMinx]

Women go off sex for many reasons.

Is she on the pill? I ask because the pill can actually kill libido in some women. I personally am one of those women and you could have been describing me on the pill. Take me off the pill and I wear my husband out.

[Boisdevie]

It's not going to improve. You have a few choices:
1. Leave her.
2. Learn to love your right hand.
3. Cheat.

[oldskool83]

2.5 years a good amount of time...but if you require more it might be your deal breaker to end it and find sum1 who wants to at least have a little more sex. the changing when shes not around you is kinda BS by this point. my ex wife started pulling the BS. I knew it was over by that point. it seems like she is kinda shielding herself from you and i would take offense to it...unless she joined some amish comunity and has not told you?

[MaidenMinx]

I was actually taught that a couple shouldn't change around each other all the time to keep some of the mystery alive. I couldn't be arsed leaving the room whenever I am getting changed but hubby only sees things if I want him to. He finds it both frustrating and mesmerising.

I do find it amazing how many guys on this forum will give up on a woman simply for lack of sex.

[Boisdevie]

I do find it amazing how many guys on this forum will give up on a woman simply for lack of sex.

Some of us on this forum enjoy sex a lot. And if you're not compatible sexually with your SO then what kind of a relationship do you have? IMHO not much of a relationship.

[bulrush]

and no interest in changing that for the time being, although she says that will change if she can lose a couple pounds and feel better about her self.

She will not change. Find a new girlfriend if sex is important to you. Sex is really important, especially for younger men. This is a deal breaker issue.

I do find it amazing how many guys on this forum will give up on a woman simply for lack of sex.

So you still don't understand that sex is important to a man? This guys gf clearly said she has no intention of changing, ever. That means little or no sex, ever. With women like this, if they don't address their emotional issues (the "body image" issue) they almost never get the desire back. And he will get less and less sex over time.

[MaidenMinx]

I didn't mean that as a "you guys are so shallow" kinda comment I meant that as a "wow sex really does mean that much to guys". sorry for the lack of clarification. And yes I do find it hard to wrap my head around that. I am completely aware of my immature theory of mind and I'm working on it.

Boisdevie, I could go into all the ups and downs in my libido and what hubby and I both get out of our relationship when my libido is down but that would steal the thread. I'll sum up by saying I do enjoy sex and hubby and I are quite compatible and the times of low libido in me are very easily explained.

[luvleegirl]

Speaking from my own personal experience; I was with my ex for 6 years. I lost my sexual desire for him around the 2 year point.. After that, doing it became a chore for me. I finally realized that I was not attracted to him anymore... At all. I don't know what happened, but I was over it. I think sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship. I will not date someone who has a lower sex drive than I do. Once the sex is over, so is the relationship. I'm very sexual, however. Some are not.

I think you should spice it up or maybe ask her what's up.