What do I do next?

[bob1234592]

Dear LoveForum members,

I'd been with my girlfriend for just over 9 months, it was amazing, we never broke up or had any type of conflict whatsoever, it was like the perfect relationship, the only problem was, was the way we got together...

I first met her when she was in a relationship with a friend, who to say the least was mentally abusive towards her, I think he dumped her over 30 times in 3 years of them being together. I helped her to get out of the situation as a friend (i never knew she liked me nor did I have any intention of ever telling her my true feelings), however as a result of me choosing her side (which liking her or not, i still feel was the right decision) we both lost all our friends, it took just one night in a club for us to realize how we felt about each other. We had no one else except the friends she had (which her Ex had originally stopped her from seeing).

Her Ex kept in touch every so often, but during the summer he went 2 months with no txts at all, then her friend unfortunately died, her Ex heard of the news and emailed her to check she was alright (which as sick as it sounds, i still think it was a way of abusing the situation), day-by-day she and her Ex got closer and closer, as friends. (this was 3 months ago)

It was about the same time that I realized she was txting him again (at first she told me it was her mum), a few days went by and everything suddenly stopped...no kissing, no hugs, no "i love you"...I knew something was wrong but put it down to the problems she was going through.

Each week felt like a month, I tried to do everything to keep hold of the one I loved, but nothing would work, she'd not see her Ex for 2 weeks at a time (so there wasn't anything going on that I didn't know about), but I felt suddenly she felt guilty for "leaving him for me" (although it wasn't technically like that).

We are still really close friends and live with each other (and will continue to do so up until May) however I'm finding it really hard to handle the times that she does go to visit her Ex, I'm pretty certain there's nothing going on between them as she'll do things like watch a movie in the shared living room of their house with friends...they're hardly ever alone together, in fact sometimes I think she prefers to hang with his friends them him.

She's finding it really hard to let go of me, she won't admit shes given up and that she keeps telling me to "leave the doors open" and that she just can't be with anyone right now.

She still says I was the perfect boyfriend and that i didn't do anything wrong, I cant see anything I've done wrong, we went on weekends away, I tried to make every day that little bit special, we talked about a future together...I mean really talked.

I'm at a point where I don't know what I should be doing, because of the situation I have no one else other than her but do I make her believe I've moved on, should I be trying to kiss her? I don't understand what the next step is?

We live together so I cant make her miss me :'(

I'm hating life at the moment, I feel like I've lost the one thing in the world I gave everything up for and wanted to spend the rest of my life with..

Please help, thanks in adv.

[jwinchester101]

maby her ex just finds it hard without her and just wants her in his life, i know i still want my ex in my life even if she gets another boyfriend, you should talk to her, tell her exactly how you feel and include what you wrote on this post, tell her to be honest with you and sort it out, don't just try and push it to the side otherwise it will just get worse

[bob1234592]

I'm more than happy for her to be friends with her Ex but I know hes the reason we broke up :'( so naturally I'm going to hate the time she spends with him.

In a few hours time she'll come in and we're going to watch some TV sitting on her bed, should I lye next to her and cuddle her or should I just sit up and watch the TV with her lying next to me, to show to her that "I'm not depressed and i dont need her" (when In fact i feel like i cant live without her).

Thanks for your reply btw.

[jwinchester101]

look at her body language, if she gets on the bed and folds her arms she may not want you to, but if you can hug her its probably a good idea, you need to try and give her a better time than she has with her ex, but don't constantly worry about it, just be yourself with her at the most, and it is a really good idea if you just talk about how you feel to her, you shouldn't try and pretend you don't need her, because then she might think you don't need her, you have to talk about it but dont turn it into and argument, and i understand that you hate that she spends time with her ex, its not really fair on you, if my girlfriend spent time with her ex when she could be spending time with me id be pissed, and its fine (:

[bob1234592]

You're right, it's a little hard to make her have a better time with me though because her Ex still has mates she can go to the pub and things with them, but because I have nobody (as i gave it all up for us) it's a little hard sometimes to compete with him, when we were together I was always the type to do a romantic meal, I cooked every night, I always had something to give her to make her smile...so now I feel like theres nothing "special" i can do, I think ill just try my best to not get into an argument, ill make it clear her going to her Ex's doesnt bother me and that its fine and see what happens, I really do think i've lost her though :'(

[jwinchester101]

don't just talk about how your okay with her going to her ex's tell her EVERYTHING, tell her all your feelings , tell her what your posting me, you sound like me that you find it hard to express your emotions, but to what I've learnt with someone who means so much to you, you have to tell them how you feel and vice versa, just say something like 'look i really need to talk to you about how i feel' and tell her how much she means to you and how hard your finding it, trust me.. the outcome could be that she takes it well and shows affection therefore talk to her more about it, or that she isn't interested at all, either way you need to tell her how you feel. but just don't pretend you have arnt into her because you don't want to push her away from you

[bob1234592]

Okay just to update, I tried talking to her today and it resulted in her turning to me and saying after Xmas she's moving out, when asked where to she wouldn't tell me, I eventually got it out of her that she was going to move into her ex's...I then told her to leave my room and I went out of the house, a hour later I got a txt saying she was sorry and that she wasn't going to move out, when I came back and spoke to her she said she never had any intentions of moving out (which I believe as there's no bed free in her Ex's student house and I know she wouldn't move into his tiny room, that's for sure.

We're back on a talking basis but it's not the same, is it my time to give up? If she truly loved me would she treat me like this?

The problem is I'm very "picky" about the girls I like and it's not often you come across a slim blonde, blue eyed girl that's so selfless and kind, she means the world to me and I'd stare down the barrelof a gun to save her :'(

[bob1234592]

Also I'd like to add during the talk we had she said "he's a gigantic part of my life and always will be" shes also text'd him 3 times throughout the time we were watching TV....I could see what she was writing, nothing unusual, but it's the fact if she was truly sorry wouldn't she make an effort not to txt him while we spent a bit of time together?

[IndiReloaded]

Have you read the Shining Knight sticky in the main Love Forum? You should, then post what you think.

The problem I see is that, after everything, you run a high risk of emotionally investing in this woman while she heals from her "ex"perience and then dumps you b/c you remind her of that low period in her life. Beware becoming the emotional tampon, its not a good place to be.

[bob1234592]

Thank you for your reply, I haven't seen the thread but I'll take a look now, the problem is I don't think I do remind her of a low part of her life, in fact I think is the opposite. I just think she's confused over who she wants to be with, but is that fair when iv lost everything for us?

We will also be living together till may whatever happens so any suggestions of my getting out of the situation is impossible, Im still going to be around her most of the day.

[bob1234592]

Okay, well a few days have past, my ex has been really ill and iv spent most of the time looking after her at her bed side, but can't help but to actually enjoy spending the time with her, she's quite ill still so she's decided to go to her parents house until Monday and it's killing me!! Even though we've not been together for 2 months, Its the fact that she was still always there and now I miss her so badly, i can't bear to think how I'm going to be able to handle the Christmas break when she goes home for 3 weeks...I will also gohome where I don't really know anyone so I fear I'm going to feel like this all through those weeks.

I'm sick of this life now, I miss her so much it's killing me inside, I find no other women attractive. I miss everything she is to me :'( I wish there was some way I could get her back, I know she still loves me (she said so when she was thanking me for looking after her) and weve probably txtd each other like 30 times today, at onepoint I said "I miss you" and she replied "I miss you to", she also put 4 xxxx's on the end of her goodnight txt.....does this mean she still wants to hang on to me?

If there's a chance we could be back togethere i somehow need to know and how I can go about making it happen, she means the world to me!!

[alwaystryin]

It seems like you've been her sanctuary and maybe you need to get rid of that stigma attached to your relationship with her. Why don't the two of you go out together and make your own friends? Why not create your own lives instead of remaining what's leftover of a past situation? Find your own pub or favorite place. It's one thing to have 'rescued' her and offer her comfort and security, but what's next? Maybe if you progress with her and build your own 'thing' together, she won't be as fond of looking backwards. Build something for the two of you to look forward to. Seems like she's stuck and afraid to let go and lose what was comfortable.

[bcgirl]

sorry about that. But to cut it simply, look at the facts. Her ex dumped her 30 times in the 3 yrs they were together....she came back right to his arms 30 freaking times when she could have just said "f*ck off". You've been such a great guy to her...but nice guys finish last. And as much as her ex is a douche....girls like bad boys even if it hurts. She is texting and hanging out with her ex, while you are right there waiting for her decision who she might pick. Why not take a look at her phone and see what kinda text messages they are sending to one another.... i'm sure it's more than just friends. Her brain is telling her to pick you because you are kind, nice and treat her well.....her heart is telling her to pick her ex because he is exciting, fun, thrilling, and passionate

[bob1234592]

Thanks you for your reply, I've seen the texts on her phone and they are far from romantic, it's just normal chit chat....and I can guarantee her Ex is not the passionate one...nor fun and thrilling (but the friends he hangs around with are).

I just dont understand her, tonight shes textd me saying..."going sleep x" (instead of the normal goodnight)...I've asked her "whats wrong?" and shes said "Just fed up of texting, night xx".

I don't understand her, one minute it feels like she wants me the next it's like she can't be bothered and I'm more of an "effort" than anything else, I'd love to be able to just back off but I can't face the fact he could be texting her and showing he cares more than me :'(

x

[Saya]

How old are you and how old is she?