I am a mess.

[JannaT]

Hi everyone... I'm new to these forums and I could really use some support!

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years 11 months ago. Our relationship was completely dysfunctional... it was only ever extremes. When it was good, it was so good. I have never in my life felt more loved by another person then I did by him. But when it was bad, it was terrible. He was unable to cope with outside influences in his life, and he would shut down. He would treat me badly, and he would turn to other girls... he never physically cheated that I know of, but there were at least 20 instances where I found him exchanging photos, flirting, or meeting up with other girls secretly. He would tell them he didn't have a girlfriend, he would invite them over to his apartment. And to me, that is cheating. But I wanted it to work so badly, so I stuck around all that time. Fighting, crying, feeling inadequate, feeling helpless. Through all the bullshit, I have seen that he really does care about me. But the man is so unstable. I understand why, and I understand now that he has psychiatric issues that I cannot fix. I finally left last December. I know I can never be with him again, I know that he isn't good for me. But I can't get over it, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Since we broke up, my approach to healing and moving on from this has generally been to make myself angry, to convince myself that I never cared about him and he never cared about me, that I don't miss him, that we didn't have any good memories. But that hasn't worked at all, because it isn't true. So several times I've relapsed and found myself drowning in my own denial and unable to cope with remembering how good it sometimes was and realizing how much I love him and care about him. Several times I even went to go see him, and I'd let him hold me just because I wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened. It's so unhealthy and it isn't fair to him either. Luckily I haven't done that for about 4 or 5 months now, but I still want to so many times. I've barely talked to him until last week, when he told me that he's moved on and there's another girl in his life who he hopes to start dating. And then he said that he's never going to speak to me again, and that was that.

Since this conversation I am a mess. I feel like the idea of him being with another girl is eating me alive. Which is stupid. It's been a year, I left. He was with other girls even when he was with me. I'm just so scared. I'm not sure I could ever feel the depth of what I felt for him in another relationship. Especially now that I'm so traumatized from this relationship. I don't know how to explain what I feel, either... it's like the thing I want most in the whole world is to be with him again, but at the same time I would rather do just about anything then be with him again. I guess what I want is to redo our relationship in a version where he's honest, faithful, and emotionally stable.

So I need to move on. But I don't know how. Since we broke up, I've been so happy to work on me. I'm only 21 and I know that this time of my life should be about figuring out who I am and what I want. This year I landed my dream job and bought my first house, I've strengthened all my friendships and started new ones, I've made room for a lot of quality time with my family, I got into great shape, and I'm truly happy with all those areas of my life. Everyone says I need to date, but every time I agree to a date I end up cancelling because I can't stand the thought of it. But there's just this nagging sadness, this hole in my life where he used to be. And I miss him. I can't deny it anymore. So how do I do this? How do I let myself remember the good times and the pain, let myself miss him, let myself know without a doubt how much I wish things had worked out... and be okay with that? I know that I need to be honest with myself about those things, I can't just shove it all into a dark closet because it will come back, it always does... and then I'm back at square one. And he's moved on. I don't want to hurt anymore.

[oldskool83]

Have you ever heard the write a letter, tell him good bye and never send it. just throw it out the car window one day? It might help. Along relationship can take time to heal, it seems more serious ones at a younger age hurt more. Hope this helps!

[JannaT]

I actually did write a letter a few months ago... it's pages and pages of everything I felt, everything that happened, everything I missed. But then I didn't know what to do with it, so I kept it and I look over it occasionally. Maybe I should burn it? I don't know... I just don't want to miss him anymore. I want to feel hopeful that there's somebody out there who I will have that same passion for and who will love me more and better than he would.

[oldskool83]

You can try burning it. do you have any good friends who can tell you your are better off and give you the motivation you need to heal?

[JannaT]

I do, I've been very blessed to have a really good support system. I've just kept all of this to myself the past few months because I feel like they must be tired of hearing it and giving me the same advice. They've all went out of their way to listen to me and support me for the past few years I go was going through all of this, I feel like this is something I need to do on my own now instead of dumping it all off on them. :/