Moving in together

[elphie]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. This weekend he suggested moving into an apartment together this summer after another issue happened in my apartment this weekend and because there's been a number of things that have happened over the past couple of months, including most recently a burst pipe, flooding due to excessive rain, leaking pipes, and mold in the bathroom. I told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea right now, but that my saying no didn't have anything to do with him or how I felt about the relationship, and I said I appreciated the offer. He said that was fine.

Ultimately, I don't want to move in with someone till after I'm married, though hadn't wanted to get into that that day as we haven't talked about anything like that. It's not for any religious reason or anything. It's that it's not something that I want to do. And currently, it's not even something that would be feasible to do (based on where he wants to move to). For now he hasn't pushed the issue further or brought it up again. After consulting with a friend, I'm looking to move out of my current apartment in the next couple of months, and so mentioning that to my boyfriend may bring it up again. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any recommendations for how to talk to him about this? My friend (who is a guy) thought simply saying that I don't want to move in with anyone before I'm married isn't a good approach. And I get why. The concept of marriage, especially since again it's not something we've talked about, and I don't want it to come off as I'm giving an ultimatum or forcing his hand or anything. A concern is that he might take my not wanting to move in as a sign of my not wanting to commit, which isn't true; I'm just looking for a different kind of commitment first. I feel like we know each other fairly well and that he wouldn't actually think it was because I wasn't into him, but I also feel like it can't hurt to emphasize that my not wanting to move in with anyone till after I'm married is a personal decision and not due to him or how are relationship is going.

Any suggestions/help would be greatly appreciated.

[bulrush]

Talk to him and explain what you told us here. Make sure he doesn't misunderstand. If he's mature, he will understand.

Also, you never really know if you can marry someone until you live with them for a year first. They might seem great when you don't live together, but then when you move in together, all these small things start irritating you, and they blow up into bigger things. You can make your own choice, but living together before marriage is a good experience to really get to know someone, and this opportunity should not be missed.

1. Will he leave his sweaty socks all over?
2. Will he ever clean the bathroom or will you get stuck doing it all the time?
3. Will he leave his towel folded on the towel bar, so it cannot dry out, then it gets smelly and moldy?
4. Will he fart in bed and flap the sheets?
5. Does he snore?
6. Does he make weird gargling noises when he brushes his teeth?
7. When shaving his face, does leave his shaving "dust" in the sink for you to find?

[Saya]

I agree with your friend, you should talk to him about this. To have a good relationship, you both need to have good communication and good understanding.
But you do know that, you can't keep avoiding this forever since he is going to bring it up again.

Also, I agree with bulrush that, to able to get to know the real person, you should probably live with that person.
Because a lot of people who get married and find their partner change.... the truth is, they aren't changing...they begin to become more comfortable and show their real person.
Although, some may change WAY different due to work related stress or something may happen, sickness or some people can change after drinking lots...

I'm Japanese and my dad is very old fashioned and over protective... so he would say NO for living together before marriage... So I was respecting him...
But since I don't live in Japan anymore, and I am living with my bf at the moment and it's great! I'm kind of scared of my dad finding it out since he doesn't know yet... lol
But living with someone you love is truly a nice thing since you get to share more things together, do things together, spend more time together and get to know them REALLY well. Eg, you see them go through, sickness etc.
After living with them, you'll find out who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I mean, if you didn't live with someone before getting married and find out that you don't really get along well by living together, whats going to happen?

[devonbrown]

Don't worry about what you think he *might* interpret what you say. Concentrate on communicating with him effectively. Let him know your feelings on the subject. Including your concerns on how to talk to him about this. That will show you have his feelings in mind, and will not let it get to a point where he is misinterpreting your words.

If you just say "I don't want to live with anyone until I am married," and nothing else, of course he is going to think the worst. But not because he will think you are not committed to him. But because he will realize that you are afraid to talk with him and instead just talk at him.

Good luck.

[Cerby]

Awesome that you're sticking to what you believe in and not going for it, but I'm more to the approach of Bulrush, I need to see what the person is like living with them before marriage, otherwise you might be brutally surprised.

My gf ex used to live on her own, her house was always tidy and well kept, and it appeared she was like me, a bit of a clean freak. Once we moved in together, she stopped everything, dishes, bed making, cleaning up laundry, all the little things that can grind on a couple early on. I found that the person she was when she was alone was different because if she didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. When she had someone to do it for her, she just skipped on everything. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to clean up after someone else? You don't know until you live with someone.

I couldn't do it, bailed on it after 10 months of living together. Can't do that when married.

[elphie]

Thanks for the responses. A lot of the things that have been brought up are things that I already know about him. E.g. he does snore, though not all the time; he doesn't really clean, but he is neat, and does spot clean up after himself; he makes his bed everyday; if I make dinner, he washes the dishes. You can learn a lot about something by simply paying attention, without necessarily living with that person. Saya, you asked what happens if things aren't going well after we get married. What happens if things aren't going well living together before? You have to deal with finding a new apartment, moving/packing, all while dealing with a break-up. For me a big difference is that at least if we are married we are more likely to work things out. If you get married, generally it's because you love someone and are committed to them for the long-haul. If I'm moving from a place that I am content in, I want to feel content and have some stability in my new place. I almost moved in with an ex once, but it didn't work out (parents said no and they were paying for school and housing). A month later, maybe even less, he broke up with me. Had we moved in together it would have been a disaster. I realize that's probably not the norm (lasting a month), and it had nothing to do with how compatible we were or weren't living together; his feelings for me had changed, though I think in part it had to do with an ex-girlfriend he had reconnected with at a reunion. From the replies and from some of my own friends as well, moving in together first seems to be the norm nowadays. Does anyone have experience not moving in together first? How did things work out?

[Cerby]

Saya, you asked what happens if things aren't going well after we get married. What happens if things aren't going well living together before? You have to deal with finding a new apartment, moving/packing, all while dealing with a break-up.

Far better than dealing with a divorce. A breakup can be messy, but a divorce can be much worse.

and FYI, I make my bed every day before my gf comes over, but it doesn't mean I make the bed every day. You don't see the small perks of someone by just visiting, no matter how much you pay "attention". I'm not saying your idea is a bad one, I just like to know all the features of my car before I buy it. You simply don't know someones quirks before you live with them, whether you think you do or not.

But I know people who have waited to get married to move in and they're happy, so it can work either way.