Here's my story, please, help me out!

[lilmissmood]

ok, so i have read over this like three time just to get the situation in my head!!!

Firstly, you need to find out how this relationship with the other guy ended? To me it sounds like she is scared to commit for two reasons:
Reason number 1: this guy she was with after you seriously screwed her over and betrayed her trust or something along those lines. She's scared to open her heart back up to you - even though she knows you- but once you get burned it's hard to trust.

Reason number 2: she never got over you. she thinks that breaking up with you in the first place was a big mistake and she went out with this other guy for a cover and she feels as though she hurt you and doesn't want to hurt you again because she feels like a bad person. The whole situation where she called you a jerk...maybe she was hiding the way she really feels.

You need to show her that you can trust her again. Girls are silly and over think things way to much (trust me i'm so guilty of this!). So lets go back to the old fashion way of things. TALK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! take her out for dinner or go somewhere casual and TALK TALK TALK!!!

Once you have spoken about things go from there, tell her how you feel and put the ball in her court. Once you have said your piece you'll feel better and if things work out for you two that's great!!! If not then you know where you stand and you would have heard it from her not any one else and you can move on...

Hope this helps!!

[Starkiller]

ok, so i have read over this like three time just to get the situation in my head!!!

Firstly, you need to find out how this relationship with the other guy ended? To me it sounds like she is scared to commit for two reasons:
Reason number 1: this guy she was with after you seriously screwed her over and betrayed her trust or something along those lines. She's scared to open her heart back up to you - even though she knows you- but once you get burned it's hard to trust.

Reason number 2: she never got over you. she thinks that breaking up with you in the first place was a big mistake and she went out with this other guy for a cover and she feels as though she hurt you and doesn't want to hurt you again because she feels like a bad person. The whole situation where she called you a jerk...maybe she was hiding the way she really feels.

You need to show her that you can trust her again. Girls are silly and over think things way to much (trust me i'm so guilty of this!). So lets go back to the old fashion way of things. TALK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! take her out for dinner or go somewhere casual and TALK TALK TALK!!!

Once you have spoken about things go from there, tell her how you feel and put the ball in her court. Once you have said your piece you'll feel better and if things work out for you two that's great!!! If not then you know where you stand and you would have heard it from her not any one else and you can move on...

Hope this helps!!

Well it never really ended, they just "take breaks" or whatever is what has happend. I don't really ask her much about it really, as I feel that she wouldn't really care to talk about it w/ me anyway. I know last time when we were really close it was about him being basically a bum and a dick. Like she worked two jobs and he worked one and they lived together, but he'd get pissed that she didn't do laundry or if she didn't loan him money for gas or a pay a bill, shit like that. That would the jist of their fights. He'd call her lazy because she sleeps a lot, not respecting the fact she works 3rd shift, AND works in a restaraunt where lots of times she goes in 10-8ish.

I know that's been a problem w/ them in the past, and I know when we hung out at the festival and danced and shit one of the things she was complaining about him was that he never wants to do anything but sit in the apartment and get high and how he was always bitching becuase he didn't have money to do things. Or she said that if he did go out w/ her he would just sit and not do anything while she had fun w/ friends so it made her kind of had a guilt trip thing.

As cliche as it sounds, this is all day every day a case of her dating an absolute trash bag, worthless clown that gives her nothing positive in her life. Honestly, her life has spiraled so downhill since being w/ him it's insane. So she could move in w/ him, she works two jobs, which caused her to drop out of college. I honestly feel its one of those things where she's in so deep that she's afraid to get out because she feels like she'd be starting over from scratch.

I know it's hard over a messageboard, but if there were EVER two people perfect for each other and meant to be together, it's me and her. But for whatever reason, I can't find the answer to make it happen.

[Starkiller]

Yesterday I was contacted again. She sent me a picture of some beer she was drinking at this place we've been meaning to go to for awhile that we always used to go to when we were together, my favorite restaraunt. She was there with her friend she was helping move. She made mention that next time "We will have to go together." Again, I'm still not messaging her first, but I mean everyday I want to see what she's doing and if nothing else just be around her. I'd be happy sitting on a couch watching football together.

[steviej]

Stop that sappy bullsh1t! This won't get her back. You've already proved that in the past that isn't what she goes for.

[Starkiller]

Stop that sappy bullsh1t! This won't get her back. You've already proved that in the past that isn't what she goes for.

LOL well I didn't say I said that to her. This situation is funny, I've done nothing or said nothing to her for her to think that I want to be more than 'friends' (even though I do.) but she insists that everything I do or say is hinting that, she also is hesitant to hang out because she feels I'll ''get the wrong idea''. The only one showing any signs of pursuing ANY kind of relationship together, friends or more, is her.

IDK, I just feel, that I've never heard of a girl being so hell bent on being "friends" with an ex b/f with no other intentions. In my experiences in life, males and females don't actively seek each other out just to be friends unless there is a clear boundary set up in the first place, in this case, I don't think I've ever heard of something like this.

[DonJuanInc]

Just wanting to bump this for anymore advice/opinions on what I should do. It pretty much stays on my mind all day long.

Man.. someone else got it exactly right: when thing aren't perfect with her boyfriend she falls back on you for an emotional state boost. She turns to you for validation, i.e. if her boyfriend is being a douche and it makes her feel like shit she turns to you for affection, and when she gets affection from you it reinforces her self esteem and she no longer needs you.

Personally, I would move on. I have been in your situation before and thought I would never find another girl who could do the things my last girlfriend did (I was with her for 3 years), but now I am with a girl who is hotter, more ambitious, more loyal and basically a better match for me in every way. There are literally thousands of other girls out there I could form a close bond with; I'm not with my girlfriend now because I feel like there's no one else - I'm with her because I love her and because she enriches my life. There are just as many girls out there for you. It's a matter of putting yourself out there and finding them.

If you're really stuck on this girl though and either don't believe me or don't want to put in the work to get yourself back out there, you have to tell her how you feel. Let her know you still have feelings for her but it's not cool that she only wants to be around you when things are shit for her and her bf, and it's lame that she makes plans to chill when things are rough for her but backs out because they get better.

Let her know she's got a decision to make. Either she cuts things off with him and gives it another shot with you, or stops relying on you for emotional validation. She's going to pull all sorts of BS when you try this, she'll try to guilt you or make you feel like an asshole for being insensitive, or come up with a bunch of different reasons why that's not what she's doing. Don't buy it dude.

Also, she shouldn't be friends with people you introduced her to, especially since you were only dating for 8 months. It's probably too late to bring this up now, but when you break up with someone they shouldn't be contacting your friends anymore, and your friends shouldn't respond if she does. Your situation is a textbook example of why this is a bad idea. Now if you try to cut contact with her and make her choose between her bf and you, she can try to weasel her way in through your mutual contacts.

Good luck brother

[Starkiller]

All of that makes sense. The idea I had was to be just friends or whatever until the opportunity comes up like it always does and make a very aggressive move so that there is no grey area. The thing that is making this so difficult is I'm not doing ANYTHING. I'm not asking her on dates, I'm not contacting her first or flirting with her, only time I've ever invited her to do something is with other people that shes knows. She's the one who's made refferences about us being together, she's the one who got physical that first night we hung out, she's the one who stalks my twitter account (mine is public, she has blocked me so I can't see her tweets after the last time we had gotten into it.) and assumes everything is about her. So she's the one doing the "I want to be more than friends" thing, but condeming me for it. Couldn't be just friends even if we wanted to. And yes, it's only when her and that dude are "seperated". IMO, if we were going to have a solid friendship, it wouldn't be only during those times, and she wouldn't be so concerned with me taking things the wrong way.

[Starkiller]

Sorry for bumping this old thread but, but a lot has happened since my last posting and I thought I'd share it to see if there were any new thoughts.

Since the last time I've posted, we've continued talking often. We've hung out a few times, watch our favorite football teams games a few times together at a bar, etc...Her best friend had a birthday recently and they wanted to go down to the bar area here in town that I've been to a lot, but they've never been. My ex asked me to go with them as well. Leading up to it, she would text me and tell me about what she was buying to wear and whatnot, even wanted me to wear something to match whatever she wore. Anyway, we went out drinking, and danced all night. Danced w/ each other all night, while dancing she'd take my arms & wrap them around her so I'd be holding her close, even look real deep into each other's eyes, all the while grinding on each other.

I took our friends home then took her home and in the car before she got out she told me she had fun, leaned over and hugged me and when I pulled away she kissed me on the lips. Next morning she text me when she got up and we talked for about 4 hours that day via text.

Nothing really came of it. Recently, our friends who are married are going through some weird stuff where the husband is basically walking away from our friend & baby, so we talk a lot about that. We also went and hung out w/ the wife and baby all together not too long ago when the weather was nice & went for a walk. Afterwards she came in to the house when she dropped me off, which is the first time she had come over since we started talking again.

We've also started playing in a volleyball league together which is fun. It's just tough becase we are so unbelievably compatible and you can see it when we are around each other how we act and how there is a fire there.

I'm in a situation where I feel like if I lay it all out on the line I could lose what little of her I have, but if I don't it's almost like torturing myself because every day I just wanna be around her and when we are together I just want to be able to put my arms around her or just be close to her in some way. I do know through my friend that she is going through some tough emotional times too at the moment so that makes it hard because I don't want to add to her problems but I want to be able to be there for her.

Anyway, I would venture to guess that most of your opinions/advice will be the same, "move on" but call me stubborn or naive, but to me, there's just something to the fact that she does certain things like that instead of just ignoring me or making an effort to put distance between us instead.